More Guruage
Mr Williams of London wrote:
Dear Guru
I am wearing a shirt that refuses to agree to both collars being underneath the jumper I am wearing. I control it and then within two minutes the left one, my left one if that makes a difference, escapes. Ideas ?
Mr Williams
There is only one way to fix this issue for good.
Procure a large industrial nail gun. Place the left collar of your shirt under your jumper and fire the nail gun into it.
This should firmly attach the errant collar to both the inside of your jumper and to the internal structure of your oesophagus, ensuring no further untidiness issues.
I hope this helps
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
1/30/2001 07:18:16 PM
More New Words
syrious - lack of humour in middle eastern states
inocks - the product of bollocks withdrawing into the abdominal cavity
inal - of a suppositary
penetwings - combination sanitary towel with wings and tampon for added security
benchernishlians - ancient and hermetic order revolving around the worship of public seating
debuffication - the process of removing a sheen from a surface
swal - an attempt to swallow, followed by gagging and regurgitation
patruettfrescrum - ancient roman surgical instrument
smootic - relating to smoos
totacircomizes - practised by certain african tribes, a right of passage, similar to circumcision but involving the removal of all skin from the penis.
misdayongs - failed attempts at dayongs
gushoecongy - medical name for female ejaculation
neracieton - brain control device for the creation of zombies
unining : going to a restuarant and not eating
stewendamaimage : the serious injuring of aircraft stewards
christologin : what a religious network user does first thing in the morning
repuns : achieving 2 linguistic jokes with the same word.
johandalls : jesus creepers / leather sandalls
sanhood : to be recognised after death as a nice person, but not quite worthy of sainthood
sobergers : sold by street vendors at three in the morning- eaten in an attempt to soak up some of the alcohol
proffensulting : the business of a person who makes a living from having a go at people
writabores : those types who sit in cofee shops in islington and talk about Vikram Seth all day
irrepumpana : pumpkin paraphernalia that has been irreperably damaged
radiolectiums : those christmas lectures on radio 4 or whatever
buttlings : children born anally
debold : revert to standard format
resubclag : serious complication arising from excess clags on anal hair
woolrolly : what certain sheep farmers smoke when they run out of baccy
graver : undertaker
tantalitatess : truly tantalising woman
crippinger : both ginger haired and crippled
raptists : violent sex offenders who recite public enemy songs while commiting their assaults
sufflerap : a period in which two episodes of suffering overlap (eg toothache still present when migraine begins)
partatic : to become ecstatic at a party
remania : losing it again
quotist : repeats what other people said
fabledick : ancient folk stories about valiant heroes with enormous penises
unlify - dead
This is turning into a bit of a game on the tsluts mailing list (you can subscribe if you like). And is still the fault of the random word generator.
posted by Joel Veitch
1/29/2001 05:03:08 PM
All Saints Anal Sex Shocker
Listening to the radio, I heard an All Saints song. The words appeared to be:
"I know you really want to be up my ass
Don't you know a guy like you wouldn't last"
Do you want to have anal sex with All Saints, but fear that your stamina may disappoint them?
It's probably quite common, but I'm surprised they wrote a song about it. I will be keeping an eye on their video diary incase it gets more interesting in the light of this development.
Interestingly this revelation coincides with the invention of the word chocrubbage by the random word generator (see below). I suspect that All Saints have been indulging in rather a lot of chocrubbage. Disappointingly brief chocrubbage though.
posted by Joel Veitch
1/28/2001 03:54:46 PM
Re-Writing the Dictionary
millipless - a deficit of millipedes
substaminast - a low-quality gymnast with poor stamina
spling - to pull (eg- "I'm on the spling this evening", or "did you spling her?" "I gave her a right good splinging" etc)
subling - less intelligent brother or sister
insockethinder - a device which blocks the socket you want to use
precip - to precipitate precipitation
exemy - has now become an ally
ibunquons - painful foot malady
eboover - a web-deliverable boover
gibrewinhibited - A person who has inhibited gibrew function
moroogied - how people used to dance to the Smiths. Morosely boogieing
grahattallusly - in excess, of food. eg- "The Baron ate most grahattallusly at the colonel's banquet"
limble - still nimble, despite unfortunate limp
expulst - to completely purge one's bowels
hoodstods - the product of expulsting
emenclimat - the mental state of one who has recently expulsted
exculmenbagged - of a person who has been forcibly expulsted as a punishment
callinativels - painful nodules resulting from excessive expulsting
huskippitarry - a medicinal insert for treatment of callinativels
why? blame dutchbint for drawing my attention to the random word generator
posted by Joel Veitch
1/27/2001 07:31:39 PM
Video Mayhem
I am making my first moves towards domination of the world of online video.
Relax: a comment on the nature of life and death, an epic tragedy in the homeric tradition. Um, it's a big file though, and it will make a lot more sense if you have sound on.
posted by Joel Veitch
1/26/2001 09:30:45 PM
Cannibal Conundrum
Hungry of North London wrote to the guru:
Dear Uncle Guru
I have a good job and a lovely girlfriend but I still feel that there is something missing from my life.
Is cannibalism the answer? I tried it while on holiday in Hull (It's very big up there) and it felt really nice. Apparently it could be illegal and I'm not sure if I should get into it in a big way.
Any tips, recipe's etc?
Thanks
Yours,
Hungry of North London
Dear Hungry
Being a cannibal is nothing to be ashamed of. Some of the greatest figures in history have been cannibals- Oscar Wilde and Alexander the Great to name but 2.
You need to think about what makes you happy, and the sort of person that you really want to be. The fact that not everyone in society may necessarily approve should not stop you from following your own path in life.
Do you fantasise about eating other people? It sounds like you enjoyed it when you tried it. You should come clean with your girlfriend and come out of the closet. Just tell her, your friends and your family:
"I make no apologies, I love to eat other people, it's the way I am"
The days when the "diet that dare not speak its name" was a reality for cannibals are long gone. We live in an inclusive society. Be proud of your dietary urges!
I hope this helps
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
1/23/2001 12:32:46 AM
Today I Have Been Mainly....
Manipulating aggression among juvenile halibut.
posted by Joel Veitch
1/21/2001 05:42:40 PM
Scissor Quizzer
Mr Welsh Idiot of (presumably) Wales asked the guru:
Can you tell me how to make reverse-scissors, that kind of stick things back together, and make hair longer?
Dear Mr Idiot
Unfortunately that is not possible in the northern hemisphere without resorting to the spreading of superglue on the blades of the scissors and then using them. This will work, but only for a short period of time.
The best way to achieve a genuine reverse-scissor is to go to Australia. Scissors work backwards in Australia due to the coriolis effect. This is the same principle which is responsible for your watch running backwards and the counter-clockwise curl of pigs' tails in the land of Crocodile Dundee.
I hope this information is of assistance to you.
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
1/20/2001 06:03:45 PM
More Guruage
Tom of an inderterminate location in the UK sent the guru the following query:
Dear Guru,
I have a question that has been troubling me for some time. I'm a fairly slim male of the species and I was wondering - if I was a woman, would I have nice breasts? I'm worried I might be a bit flat chested.
Cheers,
Tom.
Dear Tom
If you were a woman you would have lovely full breasts. Lovely full orbs of womanhood. Wonderous pneumatic buoyant full-aureoled globes of pleasure. Silk-smooth, softly yielding, sensuous joy-jugs that would keep you infront of a mirror softly caressing them for weeks on end.
I hope that this answers your question
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
1/19/2001 01:55:57 PM
Pyramid Velcro Ball
I've been working on a new game. It's called "pyramid velcro ball"
Basically the court is a very large pyramid with a goal in each corner and four teams. The base of the pyramid is a huge trampoline and the sides are covered in velcro, as are the players. Basically there are no rules except to get the ball in the other teams nets by any means necessary.
During the day, the pitch could be converted into classrooms and used as a school.
Also, the whole thing would be designed to be transportable by zeppellin.
And it would of course have the advantage of channelling positive cosmic energy as well, being a pyramid.
Players will get weapons- spiky balls on sticks and possibly some kind of spinny roundy burny bladey thing.
I would expect it to be televised, with Dale Winton presenting. We could milk the dale winton connection by having groceries available for the players to pick up for bonus points.
Scoring system could be:
1 point for canned veg
2 points for frozen goods
3 points for fresh chicken
4 points for maiming an opposing player
5 points for a fatality
10 points for a goal.
Dale could sit with the spiky top of the pyramid up his bum, giving ongoing commentary:
"And, yes, HE'S GOT THE FROZEN MIXED VEGETABLES!! FANTASTIC PLAY!! OH, WATCH OUT, YESS!! A LOVELY MOVE WITH THE ROTARY SAW THERE, THAT'S 4 POINTS FOR
REMOVING THE LEG"
Would you like to televise this sport, or invest in setting up a league? If so, please contact me.
posted by Joel Veitch
1/19/2001 01:52:26 PM
TV Gameshow Concepts
Phat Mess of England has sent me this suggestion for a TV gameshow:
Family Endgame.
A family have to survive 7 days in a special sealed box whilst tasks are sent to them.
Day 1
On arrival in the box, the lights are turned out and the sound of dying crows is pumped in.
Day 2
The mother and father are forced to copulate in front of the children, for each position they acheive the more food and drink the family gets.
Day 3
The mother is shot.
Day 4
The father has a cow's head glued to his head and the corpse of the mother is dropped in from the ceiling but wearing clown make up.
Day 5
A drunk pig is sent into the room
Day 6
The room slowly rotates whilst being filled with forks.
Day 7
The family have to do an obstacle course, if they do they win a car, or something.
Dunno if there is much mileage in that.
Lisa Rogers could host?
I think this is a fantastic idea. If you are a TV programming executive who wants to take on the format, or a venture capitalist who would like to invest large sums of money in making this entertainment dream a reality, please contact me.
posted by Joel Veitch
1/19/2001 01:45:45 PM
Depletion Conundrum
There's been a lot of worry over the dangers of depleted uranium lately.
One thing that's been worrying me is if depleted uraniums are killing people, what's happening with the depleted fisheries I keep hearing about?
There's no labling on my fish to say whether it's depleted or not! How many of us are going to die?
Well, it seems that the situation is not as bad as it seems. I am reliably informed by Mr Price of Maidstone that what is being referred to is infact depleted fish stocks. These are apparently the stocks used by fishermen to firmly grip fish to the shoulder.
Clearly, when you finally get the finished fish, there is no stock on it, and hence it is perfectly safe for consumption.
Never eat a fish with a depleted uranium stock still on it.
If you have any further information on the safety or otherwise of the use of depleted uranium fish stocks, please send it in.
posted by Joel Veitch
1/16/2001 05:57:14 PM
Soup
My favourite soup is chicken broth. I have been considering starting an internet soup opera called gimmesoup.com or similar. I think some chicken broth would be the star, but there would also obviously be room for other soups, such as oxtail or mulligatorny. It's guaranteed to be bigger than Dynasty.
Would you be interested in investing in my soup opera? Do you have any ideas for plots or opinions on which soups should be the nasty characters?
posted by Joel Veitch
1/16/2001 03:08:35 PM
Oh Jesus
Popbollocks just gets worse and worse.
posted by Joel Veitch
1/16/2001 02:56:15 PM
Moon Issues
I'm having a strange week. It seems that the reason for this is the unusual moony situation at the moment.
The combination of a full moon and a lunar eclipse produces freak tidal forces in your brain, causing odd things to happen. I suspect witchcraft.
If you know of any witches who are responsible for the recent deterioration in the normality of the moon and the subsequent tidal brain weirdness, please contact me so that I can organise a burning.
posted by Joel Veitch
1/10/2001 07:41:02 PM
Once In A Lifetime Offer
Have you recently been ill, suffered a bruise or been mildly uncomfortable? You have probably been cursed by a witch. Even if you have suffered no symptoms so far, 99.4% of people have been recently cursed by malevolant hags and so you can expect to shortly suffer terrible pain and anguish.
I can save you!
For a fee of only £50, I will happily visit your area in my capacity as Grand Inquisitor and burn some old ladies in public, saving you from a horrible fate. If you have recently sinned, I will also sell you bits of Saint Augustine which mean you will live for ever in heaven and not just die like everyone else.
posted by Joel Veitch
1/8/2001 05:14:38 PM
A Sad Tale of Thwarted Ambition
I used to go to school with a girl called Katie Jones. We were at her house around 15 years ago, and Mrs Jones asked what we all wanted to be when we grew up. Katie's little brother Robin said he wanted to be a buffalo.
When he was informed he could not be a buffalo he threw an enormous strop and cried and cried.
I haven't heard of the Jones's for about 12 years, but my mum went to see Mrs Jones just recently and it turns out that Robin is now a mobile telephone engineer.
How sad- from a life migrating across the open plain with a vast herd of similarly minded herbivores to a life fiddling with wires and switches.
I am crying inside. This is the Tragedy of Robin Jones.
Does anybody else know any such tragic tales?
Please send woeful anecotes to me.
posted by Joel Veitch
1/8/2001 03:53:39 PM
Invention Genius
OK- I've got a new plan for a world-changing invention. The edible coathanger.
Firstly- you know how you always end up with 30 coathangers with no clothes on them? Well, that could be avoided if you could have them as a nice snack. Maybe make them from pretzels.
On a more important note, they would be absolutely ideal for fashion-conscious famine relief workers, and also would make excellent survival kit for anyone flying over the wilderness on their way to a meeting / holiday etc.
You remember those Peruvian rugby players who had to eat each other when their plane crashed in the mountains? If all the coathangers they kept their clothes on had been edible they could have eaten them instead and it would have been more like a nice picnic in the countryside than a fatal disaster.
It could also be a good way to dispose of excess pretzel ingredients (pretzel waste contributes 35% of global warming emmissions and kills whales).
If anyone would like to invest huge sums of money in my edible coathanger business, please email, as ever, used non-sequential 5s and 10s.
posted by Joel Veitch
1/2/2001 11:45:37 PM
