Pubic Louse Lunacy
Tsluts list member Toby Slater is the proud owner of an animatronic pubic louse from the millenium dome body zone.
I cannot think of one single thing which would improve the quality of my life more, truth be told. This has to be the single best thing in the world.
Do you own an animatronic pubic parasite? Please email it to me.
posted by Joel Veitch
2/27/2001 11:31:40 PM
Karma Drama
Tamzin Richardson, a reader, sent me a note the other day. Here is our conversation:
Tamzin:
Joel,
I just have to say, a friend recommended your site a couple of days ago and it's brilliant. A true work of genius. I haven't laughed this much since my last Sales Training course. Well done, really!
Me:
Hi Tamzin
Woo! It's lovely to get notes like this- thanks loads, and glad you like it.
You are now my favourite person- I am sending you positive karma using the power of my brain.
Tamzin:
I can feel it flowing over the Oxfordshire countryside, in fact I've been feeling something a little unusual all weekend. Maybe that was you!
Me:
Undoubtedly.
You can expect all sorts of good things to happen in the short term future, involving monetary gain, niceness from friends and colleagues, eternal joy in heaven (I have contacts- I can arrange that for you) and possibly even acquisition of a U-Boat or Zepellin.
Tamzin:
Dear Joel,
Please can you stop sending me your karma. Since you have, I have had my car clamped, my best friend has not only moved onto my floor, but is now not talking to me, my boyfriend has finished with me, my manager has asked me to hand in my notice and this morning a large U-Boat landed on my house, narrowly missing myself and my housemates, but crushing the entire house and everything in it. I have spoken to the insurance company and they muttered something about it being an act of God.
Thank you so much for your assistance but I think I might try and do without your karma for the rest of my natural.
Yours, homeless, jobless and lonely,
Tamzin
Me:
Oh my God.
Fear not, for good things often come in surprisingly awful-looking packages, as the proverb goes.
This is a perfect opportunity for you to change your life for the better. This is the proverbial "kick in the arse" from on high that will set you on course for a life of freedom and adventure.....
Sell your (ex) best friend into slavery, and use the profits to hire a crane to get your newly-acquired U-Boat into the nearest canal.
Stopping only to torpedo your old office and ex boyfriend's place, sail out to the high seas singing "hey, fiddle-dee-dee, a sailor's life for me" and make your fortune and your name with piratical acts of derring-do, preying on the gold-laden spanish treasure ships sailing from the new world.
Bravo! Huzzah! You may also wish to invest in a tri-cornered hat, a red coat with gold braid, an eye-patch and a parrot.
I believe that prosthetic legs remain optional.
I hope this helps.
Joel (still sending karma so hard that the veins on my head are pulsing)
So, there you have it: definitive proof that my sending of karma using the power of my brain is life-changing in its effectiveness. If you would like me to send you positive karma using the power of my brain, please send me a compliment.
posted by Joel Veitch
2/27/2001 10:03:29 AM
Cult Fun
Tony Blews of Geekhaus is my new God. He's the large ominous yeti-type person at the back in this pic:
Why? Well, firstly he is much more accessible than the standard God, who doesn't even have email, and secondly, he has informed me that I can summon a demon to do my bidding by wanking on my own shit.
What to do if you could summon a wanky shit demon? I reckon I would ask for:
A curry volcano and beer fountain, also the last of the V8 Interceptors. However, I'm wondering if maybe I should also ask the demon for a pig which shits fags, and maybe a monkey that pisses tequila.
Err... there's definitely potential for some kind of submarine too.
Any thoughts on what else I should ask the demon for while I try to digest quicker in order to lay a really nice piece of cable to jizz on and summon demons?
What would you ask the wanky shit demon for?
Update from Tony:
Oh, worshipping volcanoes is mandatory, by the way. If you don't have one nearby, I find a small drawing of one will suffice.
Or you could sculpt one out of Smash and Tomato Ketchup. That would be important. That would mean something.
posted by Joel Veitch
2/24/2001 02:11:51 PM
Grenade Mayhem
I was talking to my flatmate and it transpires that his Dad once found a load of grenades. This obviously begs the question of what you would do if you had a load of grenades.
I have decided that grenade fox hunting sounds like fun. We could ride around on horses loaded with grenades looking for foxes:
"There's the little fucker!".......lob grenade.......BOOOOOM!......blow bugle.
Sounds fantastic.
After that, I could try grenade whaling. Take a little dinghy loaded with grenades into the English Channel looking for whales:
"Thaaaaaaar she blows".......lob grenade.....BOOOOOOM!......remove bits of blubber from hair.
What would you do if you had a load of grenades? Send me your ideas
posted by Joel Veitch
2/18/2001 11:08:53 PM
Battlefield Creature Discussion
Going back through old emails from the tsluts list, I found this conversation between myself and a friend.
Tim:
Chameleons are pretty remarkable too.
Joel:
This is true, though they are not so readily used as battle steeds by miniature pickled cucumber soldiers.
Tim:
Thats because they can blend in to the background more easily and so dont need to be so aggressive. What if you crossed a chameleon with a ferret. say 2 parts chameleon to 7 parts ferret, so it was a bit hard to see. You could then cross the ferreleon with a rhino, to give you a large furry hard to see fighter with a massive spike on its nose.
Joel:
Excellent.
I suppose it would be a ferreleino then.
They would certainly be absolutely excellent battlefield creatures. Why not cross it with a poison-arrow treefrog, so it could climb vertical surfaces, leap in huge bounds, have deadly skin poison and an accurate sticky shooty-outy tongue?
I think then the ferreleinog would be pretty much indomitable.
Unless of course you also crossed it with a shark so it had huge teeth and could survive underwater too. For amphibious operations, such a shaferreleinog would be an absolutely unstoppable assault animal.
Would you not agree?
If you have any thoughts on hybrid battlefield creatures, please send them to me.
posted by Joel Veitch
2/17/2001 05:23:12 PM
Gak Attack
Hoorah! Gak Attack lives again. My greatest work (done for popbitch) is once more live, and in the Big Issue this week. Unfortunately it's had to be moved due to destroying the server it was on before through excessive usage, so it is now in banner ad hell and without a high score table.
However, it is still very cool.
Woo.
posted by Joel Veitch
2/14/2001 09:39:27 PM
Toilet Turmoil
Mr Manuel of tsluts asked:
I've just been to the loo for a pee.
Someone had used the toilet previously and hadn't flushed.
By pissing in another mans urine, i'm making a physical connection between my knob and another chaps wee.
Could an infection be passed in this manner?
Mr Manuel
Thankyou for your query.
You must cease this practice NOW. It is very very dangerous and irresponsible to make such a connection with another man's wee.
There is a strong possibility that you will be impregnated, and go blind.
Statiscally, you have a 46 percent chance of contracting "nob worm" - tiny larval parasites which swim in the other man's wee will swim up the stream of piss and into your nob, where they will grow to the size of a large Anaconda. They also lay millions of eggs which infest your brain and turn you into a gibbering psycopath.
On reaching maturity they will burst forth from the tatters of your knackers in a bloody, slimy, writhing heap.
Cease immediately.
I hope this information helps
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
2/11/2001 02:49:16 PM
Join My Crusade!
It is very important that you sign my petition to ban the moon.
Go on, sign it. THE MOON MUST BE STOPPED.
posted by Joel Veitch
2/6/2001 10:09:57 PM
Career Conundrum
Ph Moby of London wrote:
Dear Guru
Are you qualified to give careers advice? I am stuck in an administration job that does not utilise my ninja skills, I am tired of practising my stealth skills on the biscuit barrell and my boss doesn't appreciate me talking in code language at meetings........ how can i find a job where these skills can be nurtured?
yours
ph moby
Dear Ph Moby
Hmm. This sounds like a serious problem. It is necessary to fully dedicate one's life to the way of the Ninja if adequate ninjage is to be achieved.
I would suggest that you join the Ninja Commandos, Zeppellin Division. I remember my days in the Ninja Commandos as some of the happiest, and most brutally violent, of my life.
The Zeppellin Division is an elite force dedicated to the Zeppellin-borne infiltration and destruction of the lairs of world-dominating super-villains, and would surely meet your requirements for a sufficiently ninjous lifestyle.
Before you attempt to pass their selection tests, however, I would suggest that you spend a considerable amount of time familiarising yourself with assaults on armoured bunkers using space-hoppers, and the art of Death By A Thousand Millipedes- both of which are central to the combat effectiveness of the Division.
I hope this information is of assistance to you.
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
2/6/2001 10:07:17 PM
Ferret Query
Natasha Morabito of London asked:
Why are ferrets so long?
Dear Ms Morabito
Ferrets. Yes, they certainly are unnaturally long.
This is because they are tidally linked to the moon, and as such are regularly stretched by its gravitational attraction. This is also true of other similar creatures such as weasels, stoats and mink.
Ferret keepers are able to judge the level of the tide by the length of their ferrets. They were an invaluable aid to navigation before the invention of the compass. This is why all coastal towns in Britain were originally named after the ferret, and why the Viking longships had a Ferret at the prow.
This is also the origin of the old rhyme ending in "Pop goes the weasel" - as weasels ferrets and stoats will occasionally pop when a neap tide occurs due to the particularly strong pull of the moon on these occasions. Such a weasel popping evening was responsible for the repulsion of the Spanish Armada, of course.
I hope this information is of help to you
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
2/6/2001 09:55:30 PM
Guruage Again
Ms Stunted Geefle Stuffer of Leicester, UK asked several questions:
Thankyou for your enquiries- please find the answers belowly:
Not including leap years, If there are 365 days in a year, and 52 weeks in a year, and 7 days in a week, why does 7 x 52 only equal 364 ?
This apparent anomaly in the number of days in the year is due to the two half days we have annually. Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve are both evening-only half days with no morning. These two missed mornings mean one less day in the year, which is why 7x52=364.
What is officially the worst thing to say when meeting someones parents for the first time, in a bid to never have to go and meet them again?
Say to the mother:
"Do you mind if I fuck you up the arse with a strap on while your charming husband wanks furiously in a corner and videos it?"
Why do you lose the ability to dance over the age of 25?
Personally I am as old as the hills and yet still dance with the spritely daintiness of a forest elf.
Why were 1980's children's TV programmes like The Moomins and Dramarama designed to psychologically disturb children in their formative years?
This was part of Thatcher's evil scheme. She knew she would not rule for ever and wanted to ensure that the country would be populated by mentally ill lunatics after her demise.
I hope that this information is of use to you
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
2/2/2001 08:21:55 PM
