Squid Satisfaction!
The Squid of Joy really works! Hoorah! I have already received this feedback:
Fiona Hughes of the UK wrote:
Since receiving my Squid of Joy I have already received a good shafting from Robbie Williams, Damon Hill and Sooty (who incididently is hung like a donkey and satisfied me immensely!)!!!
I am now looking forward to the weekend when my list has been lengthened to include Pierce Brosnan, The Duke of Edinburgh and Noel and Danny from Hearsay (at the same time!!).
Thanks again, you've improved my sexlife no end!!
You're a pal!!
So there you go- proof positive, the Squid of Joy definitely works.
If you have sent the Squid of Joy to some friends and immediately been roughly shafted by several celebrities, I would be interested to hear your testimonials.
posted by Joel Veitch
3/23/2001 04:31:41 PM
Crap Attempt To Create Viral Email
I thought I'd have a go at creating a viral email, so I sent these to some people:
Here is your Squid of Joy, sent to you by someone who cares. Lucky you!
If you send the Squid of Joy to everybody you like, your life will improve to the point where your brain explodes from sheer ecstasy.
You will get to sleep with the celebrity of your choice, and win a lifetime's supply of marmalade. The nice kind with bits in.
You will also become a talented gymnast.
Remember, the more nice people you send the Squid of Joy to, the more celebrities you get to sleep with. They'll really love it too, and tell all the papers how good you are.
I also sent this:
Lucky you! Here is your special lucky crab, sent to you by someone who cares.
If you send this lucky crab on to everyone you like, it will bring you luck in all things and a u-boat.
Remember, the more people you send the lucky crab to, the more luck and u-boats you will get.
Happy lucky crab! Woo!
I also sent round an sms lucky crab which gets you money and zeppellins for sending it on.
If you would like me to send you a Lucky Crab or a Squid of Joy, send a request to me and I'll see what I can do.
I'm quite interested to know if they get around too, so if you receive them from anyone then I'd appreciate a note.
posted by Joel Veitch
3/23/2001 03:00:09 PM
More Wanking Euphamisms
Nick Tebbut (of, I believe, Nottingham University, UK) has subimtted a couple more hand-shandy colloquialisms:
white water rafting
batting practice
visiting madam palm and her five lovely daughters
posted by Joel Veitch
3/23/2001 02:49:12 PM
FAME! I Want To Live Forever etc
To my surprise and confusion, I am, for some reason, still not the most famous man on the planet.
This simply will not do, and requires action. So, how to become the most famous man on the planet?
I have decided to be the first person to cross the Sahara on a Space Hopper.
I'm thinking that it would be pretty hard getting up the sand dunes, as you wouldn't get much of a bounce, but it should be easy enough to roll down them once you've reached the top so it should pretty much even out.
If you would like to volunteer to video my epic and historic trek across the Sahara on a Space Hopper, please send in an application.
I would like to point out that I would expect my cameraman to do the trek on a pogo-stick. Due to the difficulty of using a pogo-stick in the sahara I am going to have to require that your hands and feet be glued to the pogo-stick to ensure that you don't give up and walk it.
The camera will of course be nailed to your head.
I expect the applications to come flooding in.
posted by Joel Veitch
3/15/2001 03:33:36 PM
Self Abuse Explanation
Rainleopard contacted rathergood in some confusion as to how to best summon the wanky shit demon, due I would assume to a linguistic misunderstanding.
He wrote:
I love your web site. But I was just wondering how exactly you wank your own shit, or anything for that matter? e-mail me back, or not, anytime, or never.
Thanks, Rainleopard
Here is an explanation, which may be useful to any other linguistically confused readers wishing to summon the demon:
Hi Rainleopard.
Are you in the states? I think what we may have here is a transatlantic linguistic conundrum. You guys don't say wank right?
It's English slang for masturbation.
So, to have a wank would be equivalent to
whack one off
strangle the worm
polish the happy lamp
tug the ham truncheon
empty the weasel
shaking hands with kojak/the pink darth vader
bishop bashing
monkey spanking (any form of primate abuse)
playing a steve vai guitar solo
polishing the pink police helmet
Having a Thomas (The Tank )
Charming the snake
5 knuckle shuffling
self-manipulation
pump yer fist
Whack the Donkey
Choke the Chicken
Beat the Meat
Hope that helps
Joel
If anyone would like to submit any more euphamisms for self-abuse I would be interested to see them. Please send them in.
posted by Joel Veitch
3/15/2001 03:13:23 PM
