Global Warming - An Explanation
My brother is nowadays working on a global warming project in Washington DC.
I talked to him on the phone, and found myself in some confusion as to exactly what this entailed.
I was interested to know what method he used for warming his globe, and what temperature it should be maintained at. To avoid the general public suffering the same confusion, I will outline an explanation of exactly what global warming is, and how it should be done.
Firstly, your globe should be maintained at a temperature of around 37 degrees celsius during office hours, and allowed to cool in the evenings. The temperature should be even and consistent, so it is no good, for example, holding a lighter under your globe, and you should definitely avoid what I initially tried, which is to douse your globe in diesel fuel and ignite it.
This will ruin your globe.
The most effective way to warm your globe, it appears, is to incubate it.
Firstly, you should construct a nest on the floor of your office from any sticks, leaves and general organic material you can collect locally. You should then sit upon your globe from 9am until 5pm to maintain a constant 37 degrees.
You are likely to find that senior members of your company will attempt to harass you and drive you from your nest. You MUST NOT ALLOW THEM TO SUCCEED!
To this end, it will be necessary to act in a defensive manner if anyone attempts to approach you while you are in your nest. Try shouting "Raaark! Raaaark!" at them if they get within around 5 yards of your nest.
You will find that aggressive head movements will help see them off, but you will see much much better results if you tie a large beak-like spike to your face, with which to peck at anyone who is not frightened off by your defensive display.
I have drawn a high-tech diagrammatical representation of the correct method for warming your globe which you may study belowly:
posted by Joel Veitch
4/30/2001 08:10:39 PM
Mouse Enhancements
Housebound of Australia asked the Guru:
Dear Guru
is it possible to get a 64 button mouse so i never have to leave the house?
Dear Housebound
I have been experimenting with the implantage of buttons into mice for some time, as well as various other animals including ocelots and weevils.
I have found that there is only a certain amount of buttonage that can be safely implanted into a mouse before it becomes over-laden.
So far, I have succeeded in implanting the following buttons into a mouse without killing it:
Inflate: this button inflates the mouse with helium (to around the size of a football) so that it floats around the room in an amusing fashion, and squeaks at an extremely high pitch.
Ignite: This button shoots a jet of flame from the mouse's arse- handy for lighting cigarettes or barbecues.
Horn: This emits a loud siren noise- handy when you wish to alert someone of your presence or sound an alarm.
Light: This emits a beam of light from the eyes of the mouse- useful outside at night or during a power cut.
Grenade: This will explode the mouse with devastating and lethal force, after a delay of 7 seconds. Useful when storming bunkers or on bonfire night.
Unfortunately I have found that adding any further functions to the mouse tends to result in death, so a 64 button mouse is out of the question. However, if you would like to purchase my 5-button "Swiss-Army Mouse" then please email £50,000 in used, non-sequential 5s and 10s
I hope this helps
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
4/26/2001 01:24:44 PM
Knightrider Frenzy!
I have applied the highest possible technology to creating the Ultimate Tribute to Knightrider!
Turn the volume up LOUD and hold on tight for the ride of your life! It's raw adrenaline!
posted by Joel Veitch
4/25/2001 06:22:10 PM
Online Romance Revolution!
In love? Fancy giving someone a good rooting? Why not send them a rathergood e-valentine?
It's cutting-edge technology, really pushing the limits of what's possible on the web.
You'll have to have the sound on (pref LOUD and ROCKING) to appreciate it properly, and leave it running for a minute or 2 to get the full musical intensity of the deeply moving audio.
It's at http://www.rathergood.com/groovycrab/
I'm sure you will agree that it's possibly the most emotionally charged piece of art ever put on the web, as well as one of the most technically advanced syntheses of audio and visual media possible with early 21st century technology.
Just send your loved one the url, and they will immediately fall into your tender loving groin.
Guaranteed.
I sent it to the young lady in my life, and she replied
"i'm speechless joel
speechless."
Proof positive. Send it to your loved one today!
posted by Joel Veitch
4/24/2001 02:04:17 PM
Childcare Advice
Peter Smith, from somewhere, who knows where, asked the Guru:
Dear enlightened one
Why are the children still screaming?
Dear Peter
Have you removed the electrodes?
That should do it
I hope this helps
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
4/24/2001 09:42:56 AM
Hope For The Future Of Humanity
Dragon Lord from Belgrade asked the Guru:
Is nature conservation our only hope for the future, or are there alternatives and what are they?
The only hope for the future is to construct enormous statues of crabs. Vast ones, several miles high, standing astride all cities and towns across the globe.
These statues should be made of solid gold and encrusted with diamonds and emeralds. The people should be forced to leave their normal occupations and labour as slaves to construct these vast idols, being whipped mercilessly if they slack off or collapse through exhaustion. The wealth of nations should be plundered to acquire enough riches to construct these collossal golden behemoths.
Then, and only then, will humanity be able to face the future in safety.
He also asked:
Does this green shirt fit me?
Yes, but it's a bit wide around the collar.
I hope you are suitably enlightened
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
4/23/2001 01:54:51 PM
Russell Crowe And Chocolate Chip Biscuit Related Guruage
Becky, from an indeterminate location, asked the Guru about a couple of things:
Hi Guru,
I was wondering, how tall is Russell Crowe? You'd expect him to be tall but in a weird way he looks short.
Plus, if it isn't too much trouble, how do they get the chocolate chips in chocolate chip cookies not to melt?
Thankyou for your time.
Becky
Dear Becky
Russell Crowe is actually only 3cm tall. This is why he was such an ideal choice to star in the film "Gladiator"
Using a normal sized actor would have necessitated the construction of an entire duplicate of Ancient Rome- which obviously would have been prohibitively expensive and time-consuming.
By casting the 3cm tall Russell Crowe, the producers were able to construct, instead, a small model of Rome in a room. The miniature actor was then placed into the model and allowed to run around, giving the impression of a vast ancient city.
Normal-sized actors were used for the rest of the film, and were made to look the same size using an elaborate system of mirrors and lenses.
"Chocolate chips" in biscuits are actually chocolate-flavoured asbestos to make them heat-resistant.
I hope this helps
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
4/23/2001 01:28:20 PM
Chicken Related Conundrum Guruage
Peter Smith of an indeterminate location in cyberspace asked the guru the following question:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Dear Peter
The chicken crossed the road because it was being targeted by me, using my new highly efficient Chicken Sucking Machine.
The Chicken Sucking Machine will suck chickens from a range of many many miles, and is an absolutely invaluable aid to anyone with an interest in the sucking of chickens.
If you would like to purchase a Chicken Sucking Machine, please email £2500 in non-sequential used 5s and 10s to me.
I hope this helps
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
4/20/2001 12:44:45 PM
A New Low
I have created my most truly soul-destroyingly awful game to date.
Celebrity Gak Monkey is best played with the sound on.
This is a test version, so if you have any suggestions please send them in.
One day I will make something that doesn't involve monkeys and celebrities. At least there's no crabs in this one (yet- there's always the chance I may have a change of heart)
posted by Joel Veitch
4/10/2001 05:26:04 PM
Giant Crab Frenzy
It has come to my attention that Japanese Giant Spider Crabs are being brought to the UK.
These crabs live for 100 years, and grow to 13 feet across (bigger than a mini).
They are going to be held in captivity in a sea-life centre.
I propose to mount an operation to liberate the Giant Crabs from their cruel enslavement, and need volunteers to join my righteous army.
Once the crabs are liberated, I plan to use them as steeds and gallop sideways through the streets of london wielding a huge sword. The Giant Crabs will obviously need names, so mine will be called Steve. Astride Steve, I will charge down Oxford Street screaming "fear me and my Giant Crab" while I cleave people in twain with my huge sword, and Steve the Giant Crab pinces people in half with his giant pincers.
Do you want to join my Army of Giant Crab Liberation? All volunteers will get their own Giant Crab after we have liberated them, and will be welcome to join me in my sideways Giant Crab mounted maiming rampage.
We will sweep through Southern England like the Mongol Horsemen of Genghis Khan's Golden Horde, excpet on Giant Crabs, going sideways.
I might have to insist that all the crabs are called Steve, though, just to make sure that no-one is tempted to give one a stupid name like Jehosaphat, which would upset the Giant Crab.
They are quite sensitive about these things.
If you would like to volunteer and get your own Giant Crab Steed, email me your resume including all previous Giant Crab-mounted sideways maiming rampage experience.
posted by Joel Veitch
4/9/2001 04:08:40 PM
