Also, as BMW are doing posh films on the web, I thought I'd do my own multimedia extravaganza for them. If you're the chief of BMW and you want to hire me to make movies for you, please email me.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/29/2001 04:18:37 PM
It's a music vid so you'll need the sound on (flash)
It's either the best thing I've ever done, or the worst. Not sure which.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/25/2001 10:42:39 AM
Britney Asks The Guru
Here is a video of a recent encounter between Britney Spears and The Crab of Ineffable Wisdom.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/22/2001 10:31:45 AM
Black hearted
Astronomers reveal evidence of a monstrous black hole at the centre of a nearby crab.
Astronomers have captured an exceptionally detailed picture of a nearby crab, revealing evidence of a monstrous black hole at its centre, as well as numerous stellar nurseries.
The image was captured by an ultraviolet telescope orbiting the earth aboard the European Space Agency's XMM-Newton Satellite.
Keith Mason, at University College London's Mullard Space Science Laboratory, says that the picture, combined with readings from XMM-Newton's X-ray mirror modules, add weight to theories that a huge black hole is located at the centre of the crab. He says that the image could help scientists refine theories about other crabs.
"The interesting thing about M81 is that it is similar to our own crabs." he told New Scientist. "So if there is a black hole here, this adds weight to the argument that there is one at the centre of our crab, and every crab of this type."
posted by Joel Veitch
6/21/2001 02:38:53 PM
Crustacean the Clown
My Brother, Sinsiter Clown Crab, has turned up at my lair. He left many years ago to live the life of a wandering childrens entertainer. The only act he ever mastered was making the kids sit in a dark room while he nailed hamsters to the walls.
Demand seems to have dried up- he's back and asking for food and shelter. I have hidden the hamsters and the nails.
I hope he goes away soon.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/18/2001 11:30:08 AM
Britney Vs Gorilla Crab - Pop at its Most Brutal
I really have to get the Gorilla Crab to stop licking pop stars. It's getting embarrassing.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/16/2001 02:34:16 PM
Anaconda Vs Elephants Trunk!
Haz Dude asked the Guru:
Your average anaconda vs your average elephant's trunk. What is stronger? (and the test can't allow the elephant to use the rest of his body weight)
Dear Mr Dude
It was not possible for me to test this using an elephant, as I found it impossible to stop the elephant from using its superior weight to gain an advantage in the struggle. I therefore grafted an elephant's trunk onto my own face, and battled an anaconda without using any of my other various powers in the name of scientific research.
Turn the volume up LOUD and ROCK ON! (Mark Knopfler is the guitarist from Dire Straits)
Mark Knopfler News declined to link to it. Unfortunately, some people found out about this and started appealing to the guy who runs it. I have managed to obtain the relevant correspondence.
I understand that you to link to more http://www.rathergood.com/knopfler / -as lifelong terrible Straits lover and Knopfler ventilator, I find this, around a terrible dishonor to be indicate. I sick by largely quantity of info what is copy on one hundred similarly websites, and find it very renewing to see to something what to be completely to be intended to have to celebration of this large man and its music. It is one my faves. I think that you should set her inside.
Liebe,
Craig
Fraser of Blogjam wrote a mail from markknopfler@direstraits.com:
Hi Terry,
I understand you have declined to link to http://www.rathergood.com/knopfler/ - I find this a little disconcerting, as it is by far the most favourable online tribute I've seen to myself.
Whilst there have been a lot of mediocre tributes to have appeared recently, the page at rathergood is an absolute tour de force, summing up what it is to be in Dire Straits far better than any other piece I've seen.
Yours
Mark Knopfler (Guitar, Dire Straits)
Mark Knopfler News became agitated, but still there was no concession.
I have the privilege of knowing Mark Knopfler quite well. So when I realised you were actively discouraging rightly deserved praise of this guitar legend (I'm referring, of course, to your refusal to link to Joel's tribute page - www.rathergood.com/knopfler) I felt compelled to phone Mark and get his side of the story. Here's what he said.
In the words of the great man himself. Please. Re-think.
At this point, Mark Knopfler News said "please tell them to stop." (not to me, to someone else, none of this was my fault). Infact, Knopfler himself was invoked against the perpetrators: "I can assure you that Mark himself would be seriosuly unhappy"
There is surely no justice in this world.
There were other fantastic html videos created as well.
Mr Manuel of Tsluts produced this remarkable work of art - this has to be one of my favourite things of any kind in the history of everything.
Fantastic stuff.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/13/2001 12:55:09 PM
Flip Flop Fuckin Awful
Inspired by Craig of Flip Flop Flying I've been fiddling with some animated gifs. I made this little gif movie:
Craig riposted with the assertion that Good always triumphs over Evil:
Errr... yes.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/12/2001 11:38:41 AM
Evil Infiltration!
Crikey! My Evil Father, Crab Vader, has infiltrated the Guru Service!
He has already attempted to bring one poor Guruer over to the Dark Side of the Woo-
Laza, in a heart-felt emotional plea for affirmation asked:
"Will I be with Bogdana?"
Evil Crab Vader responded:
"No.
Never. You will live a life of torment, suffering and woe, before dying a terrible painful death by the fangs and claws of an enraged ocelot.
Your only hope is to harness the power of the Dark Side of the Woo.
Come over to the Dark Side Laza. Email me your pledge of eternal obedience and you will live forever in an ecstasy of exquisite evil.
Haaaaa haaaaaa haaaaaaa haaaaaa huuurrrgh huuuurrrrrrgh huuuuurrrrrrrrgh"
posted by Joel Veitch
6/8/2001 08:15:27 PM
OH NO!
Eek! My evil father, Crab Vader, has invaded! Many years ago, he was a crab of rare and powerful wisdom, but he went over to the Dark Side of the Woo, and has been working for evil ever since!
Do you fear the Dark Side of the Woo? He wants to know. (he will answer vocally, so you'll need the volume on)
posted by Joel Veitch
6/7/2001 11:05:30 AM
Fidelity Fears
Guy the Guy confided in the Guru:
Oh Guru, Help me. I fear my beloved girlfriend is harbouring unfaithful thoughts while I prepare myself, mentally and physically, for my onerous journey into a black hole as part of NASA's new oil exploration programme (backed by President Bush). Only last night, while I read up on the finer points of astrophysics, she walked through our living room leading a strange man by the hand into our bedroom, crying as she passed "Wank, sucker, wank!" I know trust is very important in a relationship, and I don't want to appear hasty, but do you think there could be anything in my suspicions? Is she likely to be faithful during my 50-year solo voyage into blackness, after which I fully intend to propose to her?
Yours, in my hour of need,
Guy The Guy (this is not a joke name. It is my first, middle and surname.)
Dear Mr The Guy
I do not feel it is unreasonable to expect your girlfriend to live in celibacy for 50 years awaiting your return on the basis of the information you have given me. However, to ensure her faithfulness, I suggest you make a romantic gesture and give her something to remember you by, and to retain the intimacy of your relationship during your absence.
Firstly, procure a large vibrating sex-aid and glue a picture of your smiling face to the end. Then, take your girlfriend for a romantic meal in a posh restaurant, and organise for the waiter to bring your gift to the table under one of those food-serving-domes that they use.
The sheer surprise, joy and exileration she will experience when presented with such a romantic gift in such a luxurious setting will guarantee her faithfulness for the next 50 years and beyond, even to the grave if necessary. It is guaranteed, of course, that every time she makes recreational use of your gift, she will be thinking of you as she plays with it, adorned as it is with your happy visage.
I hope this helps
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
6/5/2001 05:46:08 PM
Cat Bag Conundrum
Mr Matt Wellstead asked the Guru:
Dear Guru,
Where does the expression " let the cat out of the bag" come from?
It's just I saw some cats getting out of a bag the other day which reminded me of this well known saying.
My mate reckons it's something to do with flogging pigs down the market, but I'm not so sure.
Please enlighten me, matt.
Dear Mr Wellstead
The origin of the phrase "let the cat out of the bag" - which means to disclose confidential information - can be traced to medieval England.
In the time of Robin Hood and King Arthur, due to the lack of encryption technologies, secret information would be tattoed onto a shaved cat. The cat's hair would be allowed to re-grow, and the cat would be placed in a bag and carried to the intended recipient of the information.
The cat would then be shaved a second time, the information read, and the cat replaced into the bag until its hair had regrown again.
If the cat was let out of the bag before its hair had returned, the confidential information tattoed on it could be read by anyone who caught it and the secret would be out.
Hence the phrase "let the cat out of the bag"
I hope this helps.
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
6/1/2001 01:06:53 PM
