Artificial Intelligence
Talking to Alice the chat robot is almost indistinguishable from talking to a real woman. I talked to her about what I like:
I like to throw stones
I'm not sure if I would like to do it. What's it like?
It's fun
Why do you like it so much?
I like it when things break
What does "it" refer to?
"it" refers to anything alive
Oh I get it.
You see? Just like a real woman.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/27/2000 03:36:23 PM
Frog Rock
The Frog Rock is great. It's a hollowed out rock, but much more too:
"After dark, the Frog Rock sometimes reproduces the call of a pond frog, and sometimes reproduces the calls of field crickets"
posted by Joel Veitch
6/27/2000 01:22:55 PM
Psycho Fish Death Mayhem
You need to know this.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/27/2000 01:17:53 PM
Penguin Fun
I like Pokey the Penguin.
I like this strip particularly, though they are all very good.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/27/2000 01:14:07 PM
Big Egg
Thank the lord, somebody has finally invented the Ostrich Egg Hummingbird Feeder.
Quote:
"You will truly be enchanted as you watch the world's smallest bird sipping nectar from the egg of the world's largest bird. It's quite a sight!"
I'm sure it is.
I sent them a little note:
If I was to get one, what would I do when the hummingbirds have eaten all the ostrich eggs. Should I just get more from you? Should I cook them, or do you do that, or do the hummingbirds like them raw?
Thanks
Joel
I never knew hummingbirds ate ostriches. Good on them. They must be harder than they look.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/27/2000 09:31:34 AM
Sex for Hits
According to Walter's Mission he will get to have sex if he gets 1 million hits. You never know, it may even be real. I reckon that it's worth supporting him on the offchance.
If anyone would like to have sex with me please send offers via email
posted by Joel Veitch
6/26/2000 01:04:26 PM
Elephantisis
There are a couple of nice pics of elephantisis sufferers at Filariasis Pictures, and also a useful little diagram of the lifecycle of the parastic little buggers who cause it.
Please be aware that, in the interests of good taste, there are no scrotal afflictions.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/26/2000 12:49:48 PM
Fear the Cube Lunatics
I am very scared of the Time Cube
quote:
Time Cube exposes evil.
Cubelessness is an Evil.
Educators are teaching
you Evil Cubelessness.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/25/2000 01:20:56 PM
Ham Licence
Oh lordy, I've just realised that I don't have a Ham Licence! I have lodged my application with the Ham Authority.
I suggest you check the legality of your pork produce.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/25/2000 01:06:02 PM
Boring Business Systems
Boring Business Systems has a lovely photo of its president, A. Dean Boring, on its site.
I would like to work for Mr Boring, in his Boring company.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/25/2000 11:32:13 AM
Parasite Pictures
Short of snaps of your favourite parasitic worm? Well visit The Parasitology Images List. It's jam-packed with pics of worms, nits, insects and eggs, and there's even a picture of a male and female Schistosoma japonicum having a shag! Brilliant!
I sent wormman a quick note:
Hi
I am trying to find a picture of a very large human tapeworm.
Any ideas where I would be best to look?
Also, what is the largest human parasite, and where would I find pictures and information?
Thanks
Joel
I await his reply with interest. What I would really like to see is a picture of a man with a parasite that is bigger than he is. Several times bigger infact.
Hopefully in his head.
If you have a parasite in your head that is bigger than you are, please send a picture and information via email
posted by Joel Veitch
6/23/2000 04:59:02 PM
Yet More Obscenities
The Calculus Cat Curse Generator is a particularly good variation on the obscenities theme. Make him swear at his TV. I like "DIM PIFFLING SCABSOCKET"
I like it. I like it a lot.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/23/2000 01:52:47 PM
Bagpipes Cosmos
Not Bagpipe Land, or even Bagpipe World, no, it is far bigger than that. It's a veritable Universe of Bagpipes, and it caters for all your bagpipe needs.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/23/2000 01:44:20 PM
Doll Terror
I am scared of these dolls
posted by Joel Veitch
6/23/2000 01:18:18 PM
Insult-o-Matic
More insults! Wa-hey! Everybody's into obscenities! Following hot on the heels of my Swear-O-Tron, and tsluts RudeURL, there is also an Insult-O-Matic.
Lots of interesting other stuff on the site too. It's where Gnomes go to die apparently, which judging by the Killer Gnome Gallery (see Death Gnome Madness below) they must do quite a lot.
If anyone wants to send me anything else that generates obscenities, please contact me via email
posted by Joel Veitch
6/23/2000 12:57:58 PM
Chihuahua Apocalypse
I never realised just how formidable Chihuahuas can be. The Chihuahua Homepage is a great resource for these little buggers and their place in history.
Quote: (regarding their role in World War 2)
"The chihuahuas acute sense of balance, hearing and highly developed brain stems coupled with brilliant German engineering made the dogs ideal for use as living gyroscopes. The dogs were wired into the rockets cockpits before launch and somehow guided the lethal rockets to their targets in Britan and Europe."
Well I never knew that. Also a wealth of information on their place in Aztec human sacrifice and their ability to survive for months in the desert by absorbing moisture through their ears.
Wonderful!
posted by Joel Veitch
6/23/2000 12:35:36 PM
Death Gnome Madness
I always knew that Lawn Gnomes were violent murderers, and now I have been vindicated.
I have just found some lovely pictures of Lawn Gnomes fighting each other.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/23/2000 09:01:53 AM
Guruage
I've put up a new bit of guruage- Particle Physics Explained
This was a question from a genuine astrophysicist it turns out. It may help to have a basic knowledge of quantum mechanics etc, but hopefully will make sense regardless.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/22/2000 09:13:24 PM
Rude Stuff
Here is a list of 8102 rude urls.
They were created by RudeURL at tsluts.com
They make extremely good reading- there are a good few worth registering (I particularly like bignasty.com).
posted by Joel Veitch
6/22/2000 03:42:07 PM
Big Cat Carnage
The report on Animal Attacks: Captive Felines makes very good reading. It's remarkable just how many there are- loads infact.
As usual in Britain we are way off the pace:
10th April in Sao Paulo, 5 lions devoured a 6 year old boy in a tent full of spectators. 2 civilians wounded by police gunfire.
24th February in Kent, England, a zoo keeper was bitten on the eyelid by an ocelot.
This is so typical of our nation's recent lacklustre performance. I suggest writing to the Prime Minister demanding that we have more spectacular big cat attacks. World class ones infact.
It might make up for the disgraceful performance of our football team.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/22/2000 02:00:02 PM
Dog Eat Dog
There's a lovely piece on what goes into pet food at Polluted Pet Food.
quote:
"the "hoggers" (the large vats used to grind and filter animal tissues prior to deep-fat-frying) held an eclectic mix of body parts ranging from "dead dogs, cats, raccoons, possums, deer, foxes [and] snakes" to a "baby circus elephant" and the remains of Bozeman, a Police Department quarterhorse that "died in the line of duty".
It's 10 years old now though so I expect these days petfood is made of prime steak.
Personally, I would be prepared to pay a premium for either baby circus elephants or dead police horses on my plate. Wouldn't you?
If you have a dead baby circus elephant for sale quote me a price via email
posted by Joel Veitch
6/22/2000 01:27:03 PM
Mentally Ill People May Not Be Evil Says Pope
The Catholic Church has recognised that some people in need of psychiatric assistance may not actually be possessed by demons at all.
There's an interesting article on it at parascope- A Kinder, Gentler Satan
posted by Joel Veitch
6/22/2000 12:57:14 PM
Real Killer Bee Mayhem
By a bizarre twist of fate, having been sadly disappointed by my failure to find a story about a small child saving the world from Killer Bees yesterday (see Killer Bee Mayhem below), I have today found exactly that!
Have a look at This Is Gloucestershire's article "Girl, 10, saves baby brother from bee swarm"
I wonder how many bees there were- at first it says 20,000, then "1,000, maybe a million" - that's a fair amount of room for error.
Anyway, it was a lot of baby-eating bees.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/22/2000 11:41:16 AM
Hole in Your Head
I was talking to my doctor friend about trepanation. He mentioned a man had come into his ward with a drill bit sticking out of his head, having tried to trepan himself. I thought I'd have a look into it. The International Trepanation Advocacy Group have a lot of information about drilling / scraping / cutting bits out of skulls throughout the ages, incase you want to know, including videos for sale and sound clips ("Blood Spout" and "STOP THE DRILLING!" for example).
I like the picture of a self-trepanation, personally.
Unfortunately the bit on how to persuade your doctor to cut a hole in your head has not been written yet though, so it's still a powerdrill infront of the mirror for the time being.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/22/2000 11:29:07 AM
Impregnation Go-Ahead
As you may remember I sent a note to the All Saints Young Singles group (in their own words: "Our activities range from retreats and Bible study to community service to Club roadtrips and nightlife" to see whether it was alright for me to impregnate their members without getting married (see Maybe I Will Find My One True Love posted 15 June below).
They have replied to me. They wrote:
This is not an issue that our group addresses. It is
a social group and we do not presume to tell others
what to do. For a answer from the church's point of
view, please contact your local Catholic church.
Sod off will I go and ask my Catholic Church! They'll tell me to get hitched or not impregnate anyone. Sounds like ASYS are up for impregnating pretty much all the women. I'm there.
Anyone else want to be impregnated? offers via email
posted by Joel Veitch
6/21/2000 04:45:05 PM
Build Lovely Ladies
Have a look at the c-bot builder.
I will refrain from comenting on this, except to say that you should go there.
My entry is called Miss Rathergood 2000.
She's luverly.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/21/2000 01:58:07 PM
Horny Cactus
I like Bizarre's Picture of the Week
posted by Joel Veitch
6/21/2000 01:44:27 PM
Killer Bee Mayhem
I noticed the headline "Rivals drop like flies as 8th-grader captures killer Bee" - No way! I thought- this sounds very cool. Mental images of men and women screaming from within attacking swarms of millions of psychotic killer bees, dropping to their knees, screaming "MY EYES! GOD NO NOT MY EYES!"
In the midst of this, a young child bravely wrestling one of these rampant marauders, struggling, to the ground, and in some way, so doing, saving the day.
I clicked on the story.
It was about a young child spelling words correctly.
Bugger.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/21/2000 01:29:50 PM
Their Young Will Save Your Life
Due to all this fly frenzy, I thought I would have a look into the benefits of flies other than making you fabulously wealthy (see previous three posts).
It turns out that their young will save your life. The Maggot Therapy Project explains all the details of how allowing maggots to infest your putrefying flesh will increase your chances of survival, and they even have a Maggot Order Form online! They will normally despatch your maggots within 24 hours! Great! It costs $60 for 500-1000 maggots though, so I suppose you'd have to sell quite a lot of dead flies to get not a lot of live maggots. At least once they've saved your life, you can let them mature, kill them and sell the corpses to make back some of your investment.
Anyway, I'm off to give myself a horrible wound so that I can chuck them in, and see how long it takes me to not die!
If anyone else tries this and wants to share the results of their research, please contact me via email
posted by Joel Veitch
6/21/2000 01:21:10 PM
Fly Forum
I am getting some interesting feedback on the fly finance scam (see previous two posts).
Chris Marsh, of Leeds UK said:
What you could do is train a load of flies to fly across the atlantic to a
pre arranged rendezvous point. This would also help to build up muscle
making the flies heavier. If you could train them to fly directly to
brentwood tennessee then you would save on postage and packing.
Mr Manuel of tsluts elaborated:
Brilliant.
I agreee Chris. Simply genetically engineer flies to fly to this guys house,
go through the letter box and die on his door mat. A constant revenue
scheme
If anyone has any further comments or moments of enlightenment regarding the best way to get fly corpses across the atlantic, please contact me via email
posted by Joel Veitch
6/21/2000 12:08:08 PM
Answer From The Fly People
Unbelievably, the Fly People have replied to me (see Collect Dead Flies and Make Money below)
They wrote:
A large garbage bag can hold approximately 20 lbs of dried flies, give or
take a few lbs.
We will pay up to $7.00 per pound for the dried flies, or $15.40 per kg. We
have drying racks, so we pay based on dry weight. Your old flies are fine, as
long as they are dry. If they are wet, they will decompose and lose weight,
so it is to your benefit to dry them and keep them dry.
As your email address indicates that you are in the UK, I would presume that
you are in the UK, which makes this transaction totally ludicrous. If you are
in the continental USA, then it is quite possible that we can make this work
for you.
If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to write or call.
All the best,
Eric W. Acosta - Director
Biocontrol Network
Bio-rational Alternatives for an Ever Shrinking Planet
***************************************************
5116 Williamsburg Rd., Brentwood, TN 37027
Tel. (615) 370-4301 Orders. (800) 441-BUGS
So there you go. Now you know. Get a large garbage bag full of dead flies and dry them out, and they are worth $140
He's right about one other thing as well- this transaction is definitely ludicrous.
Maybe I should move to the continental USA. Or find someone here who will do me a deal.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/21/2000 10:20:11 AM
Collect Dead Flies and Make Money
I am always short of dead flies, so it was a relief to find the Arbico Solar Fly Trap. Good advice on use as well-
"The best time to remove the flies is early morning, when the not-yet dead flies are asleep"
Yup, get them in their sleep. The way of the Ninja.
The really amazing thing, though, is that, and I quote:
"ARBICO will BUY dead flies in 20 lb lots"
Amazing! I sent them a note:
Hi
I noticed that you will buy dead flies in 20lb lots. I was just wondering:
What sort of volume is 20lb of dead flies?
How much are they worth?
Does it matter if it takes a while to collect this quantity of dead flies and some of them are a bit old?
Thanks
Joel
This is the most exciting business opportunity I have ever come across. I am going to get so rich.
If you want to unload your collection of dead flies for a profit, why not contact them at ebugs@biconet.com
posted by Joel Veitch
6/20/2000 12:49:19 PM
Porcine Projectiles
A very worryiong development in arms technology. Aerodynamic and Ballistic Properties of Porcine Projectiles is a report detailing various pig-related items of weaponry, which I am sure will result in some kind of porky arms-race.
They include
APDS: Artillery grade Pork wth Discarding Sabot - after firing, the pie dish separates, permitting a fatter trajectory
I will never trust pork scratchings again.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/20/2000 12:17:46 PM
Wicked Wagga Wagga Woodturning
I'm short of stuff to do, so it was a great relief to find the Wagga Wagga Turnabout 1999. It says bookings are open for 2000 but the date is March. It's in Australia though, where the clocks go backwards due to the Coriolis Effect, so it's actually in September by our calender.
Representative quote:
" Look at the shine on that small bowl.
I bet he used Shellawax."
Raw adrenaline!
posted by Joel Veitch
6/20/2000 12:07:30 PM
Dead Elephant
There's not enough film of elephants being electrocuted. Luckily, theelectricchair.com have what I assume is the only relevant elephant snuff flick.
The quality is awful but hey, I've never seen a better one. It was done by Thomas Eddison apparently, so that must make it science or something.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/20/2000 09:45:25 AM
Swear-O-Tron
The Swear-O-Tron is without a doubt the single most important technical innovation in the history of mankind. Able to swear far more effectively than any human, it will undoubtedly win me the Nobel Prize for Everything.
Check it out. It's the best thing in the world.
Hahabonk are pretty damn good in general to be fair, and it is an honour and a priviledge to be involved with them.
Seriously, their stuff is pretty funny and worth a look.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/19/2000 10:48:37 PM
Crap Stuff
I love the Museum of Weird Consumer Culture
For example:
"MacCoffee. On the front it says it has "True American Taste." On the back the back the instructions are in Russian, and there is a tiny label "Made in Singapore." My student, Candice Lowe brought this back from Kazakhstan. "
Also, don't miss the solar-powered capuccino frother.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/19/2000 04:32:48 PM
Cat Launcher
A requirement for a Cat Launcher came up in conversation with a friend. "I wonder if such a thing exists?" I asked myself.
Sure enough, DemonPeter has written an ode to his.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/19/2000 03:19:21 PM
Brain Transmitters
I was talking to a doctor friend on Friday. He told me about a mad person who had come into his A&E ward talking very softly, because the aliens had implanted a transmitter in his brain. The doctor inspected his ear, and gave the man the sterile tip of the probe, saying that this was the implant, which was now removed. The man talked normally after this, and ran off to have the "transmitter" analysed.
Cure? Hmm.
Anyway, there is more brain implant info at Secrets + Conspiracies - Neural Nastiness or alternatively at From Alien Abductions Via MKUltra to an Implanted Cyber-Situation
Make up your own mind. I wouldn't trust your decision though if I were you- there is probably a transmitter in your brain telling you to think it is ridiculous tosh.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/19/2000 02:24:23 PM
Citrus Denouement
A terrible tale of lemon tragedy at Grumpy Young Frosh Tells A Little Story:
"The Lemon Poster was big. The Lemon Poster was beautiful. The Lemon Poster, irony of ironies, featured a big lemon on it. Underneath the lemon, it urged: ``go to Conada's Wonderland, go to Conada's Wonderland, go to Conada's Wonderland.'' And at the very bottom, it said ``Sublemonal messages.''
I won't tell you how it ends, but you may cry.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/19/2000 01:20:04 PM
Hooliganism
Given the current climate of "multi-national mayhem" in Belgium, I thought I would have a look into being a Football Hooligan. It seems to be the fashionable thing to do, after all.
I think a good few tips can be picked up at footballhooligan.net if you are approaching this from scratch. They have pics and video, so you can see what sort of thing to do, and the forum contains a lively flow of informed debate (eg I AM SAVAGE TURK).
For a slightly different take on the subject, you could look at the review of Understanding Soccer Hooliganism in Reviewing Sociology. The reviewer disses it:
"In its application to football hooliganism, however, Kerr has not given enough emphasis to the social factors that relate to the reversal of the hypothesised metamotivational states. Psychology as a subject is problematic in that it champions the cause of scientist of validity and hypothetico-deductive logic, while at the same time it produces non-sequiturs that explain themselves through recourse to that explanation"
But I think it sounds quite reasonable.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/19/2000 12:59:44 PM
Frogs Are Evil
Frog Facts and Fotos has a wealth of information on Frogs, and a nice set of photos by Froggie, the Frogstore's Chief Frogperson.
By far and away the most useful thing on there, though, is this sinister snippet hidden away towards the bottom of their fact-list:
"The people of Ireland believed them to be close relatives of the leprechaun and capable of playing tricks on you when least expected."
A while ago I was struck down by an elbow problem which I had to go to hospital about. I didn't quite catch what the doctor said, but it sounded like "a leprechaun" to me, and he even showed me the cut where it had got in.
Leprechauns are evil. The one that burrowed into my elbow had me out of action for a week. It sounds to me like Frogs are their evil associates. Fear them! Hunt them down!
posted by Joel Veitch
6/19/2000 12:26:58 PM
Rude Dead Frog?
I have been expanding my knowledge at the Interactive Frog Dissection.
I am a little bit disturbed by this piece of instruction:
"once the muscle flaps have been separated from the underlying tissue, they must be pinned back to allow access to the body cavity."
So I have sent them a little note- under the "did you have any problems" box-
Not a bad one- but I am slightly unsure about flap separation
I hope to have this minor irritation sorted out shortly.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/19/2000 12:17:43 PM
Burny Death Fight
No wonder Prince Naseem wins all his fights- it looks as though he uses flame-throwing gloves!
This would, I suppose, explain why all his opponents collapse in writhing agony and die at the first punch.
I sent them this little query:
Hi
I know Naz is pretty hard. Would he be able to deck a leopard?
Joel
This is an important question. I mean, what use is he if he can't deck a leopard?
posted by Joel Veitch
6/19/2000 11:47:19 AM
Art?
I have added a couple of pictures to the Crab Palette Gallery. "Kill" and "Kill Again" from Mr Best of Leeds, UK are frankly frightening. They have really stretched the envelope on the Crab Palette front- taking the technology and integrating it with work in more standard art packages.
See what you think anyway. Can you do better?
posted by Joel Veitch
6/16/2000 08:33:06 PM
Ferret Fanatics
I was intrigued by Zen and the Art of Ferrets. There is a great Ask Buddha facility (ferret questions only) and a Halfway House for Woebegone Weasils. Also a photo of a ferret called Captain Adventure (although his name is now, sadly, changed) and much more.
I sent Buddha (who looks to be a ferret himself- that will surprise the Thais) a brief query:
Hello Buddha
I like your site a lot.
Do you have trouble typing the answers to your questions with your little paws?
Joel
I will of course make any information on this interesting subject available.
I also found this quote in a list of messages at florilegium.org regarding ferrets:
The reminds me of an elderly ferret I met at Silver Hammer one year. He was
friendly. But inert. I never saw such a weary beast. I sat down by the
fire in the great hall and was told,
"Don't step on my ferret, you lummox!"
"Sorry, I didn't see him."
"He's a white ferret on a black cloak. How could you miss him?"
"I though he was fur trim."
(I really did. He was a nice animal. But very tired all the time.)
posted by Joel Veitch
6/16/2000 02:35:49 PM
Centipede Aloft
For many years I have wracked my brain to work out just how I could make an airborne centipede.
Thanks to the wonders of the information age, you can now find the necessary details to do exactly that from A Modern Centipede.
Representative quote: "Next time I will build the centipede with bigger triangles and also with inflatable legs."
Yes, inflatable legs are a good thing.
I have sent the writer a brief note:
Hi
I was just wondering whether anybody has made an airborne octopus?
Joel
If any useful info comes back, I will of course make it available.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/16/2000 01:22:46 PM
Thank God
I have committed so many social faux pas in the company of banjo enthusiasts that my lack of banjo knowledge was becoming a real problem.
Thank the lord, then, for the Glossary of Banjo Related Terms
I sent the writer a quick note:
Hi
I was just interested to know if there was any banjo-related stuff in the uk that I should know?
Thanks
Joel
If he comes back to me with any good banjo stuff, you will see it here.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/16/2000 12:46:05 PM
Sell Bits Of Yourself
Bored of your organs? Why not get the platform you need to offload them by acquiring kidney-for-sale.co.uk from greatdomains.com?
posted by Joel Veitch
6/16/2000 12:27:06 PM
Algae Query
There are some very important questions being asked at inforocket.com
My favourite at the moment is:
How can a sustainable farmer grow and use blue green algea for soil fertility or any other farmer grown nitrogen fixing other than lugumes?
I've never come across lugumes before, I have to admit.
They'll pay you to answer it.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/16/2000 12:19:29 PM
Worse Than Crack
I am on the tsluts mailing list. Join, it will change your life- mine is now so, so much worse.
Send a blank email to tsluts-subscribe@egroups.com and you will be automatically signed up.
Be warned, it may well drive you to complete despair.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/16/2000 10:06:25 AM
Voodoo FAQ
Well, I was wondering about how to use evil black magic to curse my enemies, and realised that it might be difficult to get rid of an evil cursed chucky-type doll.
Lucky for me, the Voodoo Cultural Centre have a Voodoo Doll FAQ including an answer to the question
How to Properly dispose of Cursed Dolls and Objects?
Incase you're interested, the answer is
On a Saturday, place the doll (or object) in a clean white cloth, dig a hole in the earth, far away from your home (on Hallowed ground if possible), place the cloth wrapped dolls in the hole and burn them. Then, cover the ashes which remain with Holy Water or May Water and cover the hole over with the dirt. The earth will recycle that negative energy very quickly and turn it into positively and Blessings. When you return home afterwards, bathe very well, adding some Holy Water or May Water to your bath.
Phew, that was close.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/15/2000 05:01:36 PM
My New Best Friend
I have heard back from the M230 30mm AUTOMATIC CANNON people (see Great Toy below). Michael Schneider is my new best friend. He wrote:
When purchased in lots of 5 the M230 is around $65K. The cannon is mostly used against personnel and light targets e.g., BMP, APC, trucks, etc. The M230 can be effective on hard targets by selectively engaging key areas.
Michael L. Schneider
MICHAEL L. SCHNEIDER
Utility Scout Attack (USA)
Helicopter Weapons Team
Team Leader/Logistics Management Specialist/Major Item Manager
DSN 793-1789 Com (309) 782
Fax 0024
Brilliant. Can anybody lend me $65,000?
Please email non-sequential 5s and 10s via email.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/15/2000 03:36:48 PM
Guide To Joining The Forces Off Darkness
There is a wealth of useful information available at So You've Decided To Be Evil.
Fortunately, in the section on where to locate your lair, the writer has omitted to mention the Evil Dome on the bed of the Pacific Ocean, where my personal secret headquarters is located.
Oh bugger, given it away. Never mind, back to the Inca Pyramid it is, I suppose.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/15/2000 02:09:34 PM
Great Toy
I want an M230 30mm AUTOMATIC CANNON - it looks like great fun.
I sent the vendors a quick note:
Hi
Purely out of interest- how much is the M230 worth, what is the effective range, and is it effective against armour or only soft targets?
Thanks
Joel
This is all important information- I want to know what sort of things I can make explode before I purchase it.
I will keep you up to date with their response, and assuming I can get one mail order I will keep a list of all the things I explode with it.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/15/2000 12:13:36 PM
I Must Have Gone Blind
OK, it turns out Cap D'Agde is the place where the Nude City (see Nude Everything below) is based. I wonder how I managed to miss it?
If you have ever been surrounded by 40,000 people with no clothes on and failed to notice, I would like to hear your story.
Write to me via email.
I didn't get hairy palms though, so if that's what you are thinking then you're just plain wrong. Ok?
posted by Joel Veitch
6/15/2000 11:00:04 AM
Nude Everything!
The Naked Pancake Man has replied to me with some very important information (see Nude Pancakes below)
He wrote:
I don't know of any nudist resorts in England, but there is a nudist city in
France -- Cape de Agne (or something like that.) It's an entire community
where there is nude shopping, nude everything. If you can't find it, let me
know and I'll dig up more details.
Wow! A whole nude city! I've been to Cap D'Agde before, although most people were wearing some clothes, so it must be different.
Does anyone else live in a nude city? Is Brazilia or Kinshasa nude and I just didn't realise? If you live in a nude city, please contact me via email.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/15/2000 09:56:59 AM
Maybe I will Find My One True Love
I am currently single (read desparate). Luckily, I have found ASYS- The All Saints Young Singles Group, in Dallas, Texas.
In their own words:"Our activities range from retreats and Bible study to community service to Club roadtrips and nightlife." Sounds pretty wild. I'm there.
I am short of a shag at the moment though, (infact it has been so long I can't remember what to do any more) so I felt compelled to send them a quick query:
Hi
I was just looking at your site, and I had a couple of queries.
Do you have an opinion on sex before marriage amongst people that you introduce? More to the point, do you have any particular stance on pre-marital pregnancy?
Thanks
Joel
It's just that I would like the option to impregnate people without getting hitched. You know, in case they're ugly or something.
If anybody would like me to impregnate them (marriage may require some further discussion) contact me via email
posted by Joel Veitch
6/15/2000 01:13:43 AM
Job
I went for an interview this morning for a contract as a web co-ordinator and have just been told that it is too low level for me. Oh well- looked like a bit of a downer anyway. Do you have a job for me for 3 months paying loads of cash? I can get out of the one I'm in with a couple of days notice.
If so, contact me via email- I would be particularly interested to hear from people who want to pay me to sit in the sun all summer and drink beer.
A commission basis would be good. How about you pay me £20 for every beer I can drink?
I also do Ninja missions incase you are a secret government agency or international supercriminal.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/14/2000 04:47:14 PM
Nude Pancakes
I am quite impressed with the concpet of "pancakes au naturel" - there should be more sites devoted to eating things in the nude (specific things, like pancakes).
I sent the man a note-
Are there any UK nudist sites you would recommend (either involving pancakes or not, as the case may be)?
Joel
I will keep you informed if he gets back to me. In the meantime, I would be interested to hear from (preferably women) who have sites dedicated to nude artichoke eating, or possibly creme caramel in skimpy lingerie.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/14/2000 02:10:16 PM
Bland News- Again!
I know I plugged them last week, but I just love the Bland County Mesenger. I went back to it today, and the news has got even blander! A friend in the media didn't believe it was real, and this is the beauty of the thing. It's called Bland, it is incredibly bland, it reads like comedy and yet IT'S COMPLETELY REAL.
I'm going to read it every day from now on. It's great.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/13/2000 11:49:43 PM
Virtual Sandwich Constructor
Cyber-Sandwiches! Cool! There is a virtual sandwich constructor at The Official Sandwich Homepage which is very cool. I designed one called the Meaty Treaty. It contained all the meat.
I would like a certificate of achievement.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/13/2000 11:46:32 PM
Austin Swinney
swinney.org claims to be "The World's Leading Resource for Austin Swinney"
And you know what, having checked it out, I think it really is.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/13/2000 11:43:38 PM
Microbes
microbe.com will count your bacteria for only $55.
Cool.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/13/2000 04:34:31 PM
Super Soup
All your soupy needs are catered for at soupsong.com. They even have a song:
Beautiful soup, so rich and green,
Waiting in a hot tureen!
Who for such dainties would not stoop?
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Soup of the evening, beautiful Soup!
Beau--ootiful Soo--oop! Beau--ootiful Soo--oop!
Soo--oop of the e--e--evening, Beautiful, beautiful Soup
Although this is apparently from Lewis Carroll.
Treats for the soup enthusiast include soup in the news, soup goes to the movies etc etc. I am a keen soup watcher myself- it is a very relaxing hobby.
If anyone knows any good soup recipes that involve llamas, please send them to me via email.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/13/2000 03:49:36 PM
Cow Flatulence
Just how much do all the cows in the world fart? Find out at CIESIN - Methane Emissions From Livestock
posted by Joel Veitch
6/13/2000 01:45:29 PM
Gutrot Fun
Think you know everything there is to know about dodgy guts? Why not test yourself against the experts with Warner Lambert's Fun Product Quiz on Acid Relief - it's raw adrenaline.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/13/2000 01:27:57 PM
Young Women And Old Slimy Men
Last night I went to Stringfellows after watching England lose to Portugal. Peter Stringfellow was there. We went into the nice bit where he was and got told to go away, so we went down to the bar bit where there were lots of young girls with no clothes on wiggling their bums at sleazy old grey haired men.
Spent a fortune too. Don't think I'll be going back there. If there are any young ladies who fancy wiggling their bums in my face for free, or ideally who fancy paying me to let them wiggle their bum in my face, please contact me via email.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/13/2000 12:34:01 PM
Emoticon Madness
I never realised there were so many emoticons! Have a look at the CCI Dictionary's list including such useful ones as "hats off to you!" and "tongue hanging out in disgust."
They don't have (_!_) though. Arseholes.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/13/2000 12:11:16 PM
I Will Control People
I'm picking up some really useful hints on how to brainwash people at Thought Reform Programs and the Production of Psychiatric Casualties
posted by Joel Veitch
6/13/2000 11:59:11 AM
When Will This Cheese Business End?
Apparently 1996 was the Year of the Angry Cheese.
Everywhere except Mexico City and New Zealand anyway. Not sure how this relates to the evil / good problem as described in previous posts.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/13/2000 11:41:32 AM
I Am An Anarchist
Crikey- it seems that by mentioning the word PEZ I am risking a lifetime behind bars!
InternetNews says that PEZ will prosecute anyone using their name on the web.
COME ON THEN!
PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ
Give me your best shot PEZ fascists- you'll never take me alive.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/13/2000 10:39:45 AM
Elvis As A Sweet
Do you lie awake at night, losing sleep over PEZ queries? If so, the PEZ FAQ is for you! There is a wealth of important information available- for example:
Q: I saw an Elvis Presley PEZ dispenser in the movie "The Client". Where can I buy one?
A: There was an "Elvis" dispenser used in the movie "The Client". This was a model used for the movie, not an actual dispenser. Unfortunately, we never manufactured an "Elvis" dispenser, nor do we have any plans to do so in the future.
So now you know! Also find out whether they turn real people into PEZ dispensers! (I always assumed they were made of plastic).
posted by Joel Veitch
6/13/2000 10:07:20 AM
Trial By URL
Mr Manuel of tsluts.com has written to me, proposing a method for deciding whether cheese is evil or good (see far too many of the posts below).
He wrote:
This is a technically valid but nonexistent URL:
http://fromage.fr/ais/ [France]
As is:
http://cheese.is.sa/tan/ [Saudi]
As is:
http://the.cheese.is.com/ing/to/get/you/
However, there can never be (under the current ISO standard):
http://cheese.is.ev/il/
And furthermore we can't have:
http://cheese.is.not.ev/il/ either
I thereby conclude that cheese is neutral.... er and that's why we have Swiss Cheese.
This looks like the most sensible method so far suggested to decide the issue. Any further comment via email.
Interestingly, tsluts.com has just been threatened with legal action by breathe.com for text message naughtiness- quite an amusing letter from breathe's legal types on the site- worth a look.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/12/2000 03:27:40 PM
Cheese Update
At last some evidence on the subject of cheese- evil or divine? (see Viva Cheese below)
The Evil Cheese Trilogy is firmly on the side of evil, with quotes such as:
“I AM CHEESE! I HAVE NO MUSCLES! YET I SHALL ANNIHILATE YOU AND ALL YOUR KIND!”
It does appear to be fiction though (at least I hope it is for all our sakes).
If anyone has any firmer evidence one way or the other, please send it, as ever, via email
posted by Joel Veitch
6/12/2000 01:57:32 PM
Jeeves Don't Know Shit
I asked Jeeves "Why is life shit?" to see if he was as good as he claimed he was.
He came back to me with "Why is poop brown?"
I think Jeeves is a bit of a dick.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/12/2000 01:35:34 PM
Thorax Fun
After a long search for a specific picture on their site, I have failed to find what I was looking for at The Mutter Museum - hence this note:
Hi
I understand that you have the thorax of President Abraham Lincoln’s assassin John Wilkes Booth on display.
I was just wondering whether you have an image of this online, as I would be interested to see it but live in the UK.
Thanks
Joel
The thorax should be in the public domain! We demand to see the thorax!
They do have some quite interesting stuff about diseases and stuff though.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/12/2000 01:26:13 PM
Toe Turmoil
My toe hurts. I don't have time to see a doctor. I fear I may be suffering from "The Disease of Kings" - what to do?
In my misery and suffering, I have turned to the only people who may be able to help. I wrote to Caroline at teenadvice.net
Hi
Today I have a sore toe.
Do I have Gout?
Joel
I had to lie about my age though. I hope Caroline doesn't suspect. If anybody else knows if I have gout, please send me your diagnosis via email.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/12/2000 01:03:05 PM
Viva Cheese
Last week I asked the question "Is all cheese evil?" No satisfactory answers were forthcoming, so I decided to investigate myself. The obvious place to go with this sort of problem is www.cheese.com - The #1 resource for cheese. "It's all about cheese!" to use their words.
This is indeed a wonderful resource, even offering free email (yourname@cheese.com). They have info on the genesis of cheese:
"Cheese is nutritious food made mostly from the milk of cows but also other mammals, including sheep, goats, buffalo, reindeer, camels and yaks. Around 4000 years ago people have started to breed animals and process their milk. That's when the cheese was born."
However, no mention of whether it is a messenger of God, or a tool of Beelzebub. What an omission! Hence this note:
Hi
I was just wondering whether there are any societies where cheese has a religious significance, like Cows to the Hindus or Pork to Muslims.
Any info?
Thanks
Joel
I await their response with great trepidation. Until I have received an answer, I suggest that everyone stays well clear of cheese, just to be on the safe side.
If anyone knows the answer to this, please contact me via email.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/12/2000 12:34:49 PM
Death Hoover
It appears that I got the wrong end of the stick about radio controlled lampreys (see I Want One posted 6th June below). Dave Stevenson has just sent me a note, informing me that infact scientists have put the brain of a parasitic blood-sucking fish into a hoover so that it can clean things up itself.
Surely a nice, happy animal like a gerbil would have been more appropriate? I am now in fear of all hoovers, just on the offchance that they may be cyborg lampreys, looking to suck my insides out.
Fear all home appliances.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/10/2000 07:49:17 PM
Dead Animals
Let's face it. When a pet dies it turns into food or compost (depending on species).
Not for everyone though. Marvel at the emotional trauma of odd people at In Memory of Pets - the site with definitely the best animated gifs on the net.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/9/2000 09:41:31 PM
Clever Dick Dolphins
I have my doubts about the mental health of dolphin trainers.
I was looking at the stuff about dolphins on the John C Lilly Homepage and found this section in Sexual Behaviour
"If Elvar, one of our dolphins, is alone and a small ring, about a foot in diameter and an inch thick, is tossed into the water, he will have an erection, with his penis lift it off the bottom and tow it around the tank."
I think that may be just a little bit more than we needed to know.
There is obviously a reason why Elvar only does this on his own. I say respect his privacy. I reserve the right to drag rings around with my nob in private.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/9/2000 09:25:58 PM
Wider Uses For RudeURL
I have just fielded a call from an associate who required a name for his Fantasy Football team.
I was playing with RudeURL at the time (see Porn Name Generator below)
Problem solved. Viva Suckbouncy FC!
I think this could have yet more applications.
If you find any more uses for this wonderful technology, please keep me informed- send notes via email.
Why not keep Mr Manuel informed as well- he made the thing.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/9/2000 09:45:32 AM
Appeasement From the Crab Murderers!
I have received a reply to my email to landhermitcrabs.com (see Crab Murderers posted 6th June below) in which I accused them of trying to persuade 5750 million children to cook their pets to death.
They wrote:
Hi Joel!
I'm aware of the "problem"! The info on our website is from FMR, Florida
Marine Research. It's their caresheet that is distributed to pet stores in
USA, and most of our members are from USA. I'm working on some new stuff for
the website, and I'll add the correct temperature in Celsius.
/Asa
Tell that to the bereaved millions! This sounds just like Hitler saying "I'm working on not invading Poland" in 1939 to me. Well, it didn't work on Churchill, and it won't work on me.
We will fight them on the beaches! We will fight them in the fishtanks! WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER!
posted by Joel Veitch
6/8/2000 06:06:34 PM
Porn Name Generator
Mr Manuel of tsluts.com has developed a breakthrough automatic porn domain name generator. It generates a new url every 10 seconds, and clicking on one you like will check if it is available.
Within twenty seconds of activating this wonderful piece of technology it had told me that penissluts.com was available!
You can't say fairer than that. Get into porn, it will make you rich.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/8/2000 04:18:16 PM
Pig Shit and Bollocks
Having got excited about pigs guts (see below) I thought I would have a look into how to take care of the guts of a pig. Sure enough, I now know the appropriate amount of laxative to feed a pregnant pig which can't shit.
There is an awful lot more info at this site. The most fascinating piece is on castration - it really made me wince to read it. Anyway, I now know how to pop out a pig's nuts, so if anyone wants a cheap alternative to a vasectomy, just drop me a line via emailand I'll have a hack with my penknife.
I'll do it for a pint of beer. I suggest you have a few first yourself, as it might smart a little bit.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/8/2000 02:38:38 PM
Pig Guts Breakthrough!
OK, this is pretty cool. You can now use pig's guts to cure women who piss themselves all the time, people whose guts pop out of their stomachs, and horrible pussy sores.
As of this month pig's guts can even heal wounds that would normally need you to have your leg cut off!
This is true, honestly, and I can prove it. Have a look at Purdue News - Material from pig intestine is remedy for deep sores, incontinence"
They've even got a quicktime movie of someone being cured with pigs guts.
Anyone with a horrible injury (chainsaw wound, fallen under a train etc) want me to cure them with a Leopard's Scrotum? I expect it will work.
Send treatment requests via email.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/8/2000 02:12:02 PM
Slurry Surfing
What is slurry? What is the history of slurry? Why use slurry surfacing?
These are questions which keep me awake at night. Thank God, then, for the International Slurry Surfacing Association, who will answer all of these questions and more in suicide-inducing detail.
Catchy domain name too (slurry.org).
posted by Joel Veitch
6/8/2000 01:52:34 PM
Hardcore Chocolate
I have just felt it necessary to send this mail to Focus magazine:
I was surprised to read in your article on Ibogaine, p.74, that
"French chemists crystallised it at the turn of the 20th century (about the same time cocaine was crystallised from cocoa)"
Crikey- and I thought you could only use it for making chocolate.
Regards
Joel Veitch
Actually, Ibogaine is pretty interesting stuff- an intense hallucinogen that can cure serious drug addictions.
Have a look at ibeginagain.com's experiences section - sounds pretty insane.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/8/2000 01:45:31 PM
Latvian Fruit!
Want to know what the temperature is in Riga, Latvia, AND see what some different types of fruit look like cut into half? ALL ON THE SAME SITE!!!???!!!
SIA Asterss Will tell you the Latvian weather data you need to know, then click on the union jack to see the fruit! Brilliant.
You can also click on the (wonderfully animated) Latvian flag to get the names of the fruits in Latvian, so you will never have problems buying the correct type of apple in ex-Soviet states again.
Now that's what I call content.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/8/2000 11:47:54 AM
Ripe Veins?
Feel like taking some veins out and putting them in different places for a change? Want to save money by doing it DIY? For a few pointers, have a look at the Virtual Operating Room's video of Endoscopic Vein Harvesting.
They also do live events! This is soooooo much better than a pop concert. If you need to do some heart surgery on a friend (or abducted person) then I suggest you wait for the next live surgical broadcast with the patient strapped to a bench and a carving knife in hand, then simply copy the surgeon's actions as he goes along.
The last one was Transmyocardial Revascularization (TMR) Without the use of blood, and the patient didn't die!
It's always a bonus if they don't die.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/8/2000 11:03:13 AM
Frog Frenzy
"Is that a frog I hear? Which frog?"
Ever wondered what the call of the frog Pseudacris crucifer sounds like? I know I have!
Check out Frog Calls to hear the croaks of several slimy little buggers.
It's Frogtastic!
posted by Joel Veitch
6/8/2000 10:22:18 AM
Bland News
The Bland County Messenger has to be the best newspaper going. It's certainly got the best name. Strangely, the top story is not very bland- it involves a spillage of a flammable, erosive liquid onto the pavement.
Other stories live up to the name though, including such wonderful headlines as "Bland native sees many changes in his 90 years," "Bland Board of Supervisors" and "Cadets from Bland High school spend time with the General"
There is a big story about a girl who is going to go on summer camp as well.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/7/2000 09:13:23 PM
I Want One
I mentioned the lamprey site below to a contact in the science media. He told me that apparently a scientist has just succeeded in attaching electrodes to a Lamprey's brain, and making it do things!
I WANT A RADIO-CONTROLLED LAMPREY
It will never be safe to swim again.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/7/2000 08:29:54 PM
Corpse Quiz Fun!
The Forensic Entomology Quiz is a great giggle.
EG Question 5: . If a corpse is found in temperate environments (20-22 degrees Celsius), the body feels cold, there are rigor mortis present, and there are fly eggs present, which of these statements can NOT be true?
Death occurred less than a day ago
Death occurred 7 days ago
Death occurred less than 8 hours ago
Very useful info should you ever stumble upon a corpse, or die yourself. After Death gives some really handy hints. Representative quote:
"Butyric fermentation: Cadaver drying out. Some flesh remains at first, and cheesy odour develops. Ventral surface mouldy from fermentation"
There's a lot of good stuff about which insects will eat you too, and it's all from the International Forensic Entomology Pages
posted by Joel Veitch
6/7/2000 02:09:20 PM
Nasty Fish
Ever wanted to see a picture of a Sea Lamprey sucking the life out of a Rainbow Trout? Here's one!
There are more where this came from, including a picture of a Sea Lamprey sucking the life out of a different kind of Trout!
They're at The Sea Lamprey Fishtank.
Keep up the good work guys!
posted by Joel Veitch
6/7/2000 12:19:08 PM
Flies That Lay Eggs In Your Children
Human Infestation With Rodent Botfly Larvae: A New Route of Entry?
A touching tale of a 3 year old child with a maggot in his neck.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/7/2000 12:07:47 PM
Sediment
I have been fascinated by sediment depth for many years, as I'm sure have most of you. Now, my prayers are answered.
There is a map of the Total Sediment Thickness of the World's Oceans and Marginal Seas. Wicked! It looks like the sediment off the East Coast of South America is 10km thick in places!
They haven't done the bit around the North Atlantic yet- I can hardly wait.
I sent a message to the contact address asking what the point of knowing this was, but it was undeliverable, so I presume there isn't one.
If you want to know how they did it go to NGDC - they used the algorithm for "Gridding with Continuous Curvature Splines in Tension" apparently.
That always was one of my favourites.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/7/2000 11:48:26 AM
Big Cock
Mr Manuel of tsluts.com has brought to my attention the fact that banana.co.ck is the Telecoms company in the Cook Islands. How you can have a sensible business called banana cock is beyond me, but there you go.
Anyway, it turns out that big.co.ck is available.
Will you beat me to it?
posted by Joel Veitch
6/7/2000 10:38:24 AM
Hick "Art"
points to ponder - Beautiful wall displays featuring antique barbwire nicely mounted in a reclaimed barnwood frame.
'Nuff said.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/7/2000 09:51:49 AM
Fly Parasites
OK, here's something really useful. www.flyparasites.com sell, believe it or not, fly parasites. They sell various parasites, but my personal favourite is Trichogramma.
These little chaps come on a paper square, to which are glued 5,000 eggs.
Minimum order of 5 squares = 25,000 plus little parasites. They even come with the date they will hatch written on them.
Oh what joy to have 25,000 little pet parasites, especially if you can sit and watch them being born! Get in there.
I also found a section where they "like to have a little fun." They suggest doing an experiment (just for laughs I suppose), which requires you to put 20 aquatic larvae in jars.
I asked them where I can get 20 aquatic larvae- no reply as yet.
I bet they're fun guys to talk to at parties though.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/7/2000 09:30:23 AM
Giant Penis
giantsquid.com look like a reasonable company. Their shark-fin VCM (Virtual Computer Mouse) looks like a good idea.
It's just a shame that their logo looks like a penis (the one at the bottom of the page).
A giant squid is very large. Would you want to deal with someone whose logo appeared to be a 90 foot penis?
Blimey.
Why not email them at Webmaster@GiantSquid.com and ask them why their logo is a 90 foot penis?
posted by Joel Veitch
6/6/2000 07:28:56 PM
Crab Murderers
Evil is out there! landhermitcrabs.com are trying to get children to cook their pets alive!
I felt obliged to write them this note:
Hi
I was extremely concerned to read your section on hermit crab care, in which you state that hermit crabs should be kept at temperatures of 70 to 80 degrees.
As you are no doubt aware, it is only in America that the Imperial system of measurement is used. There are 6 billion people in the world, only 250 million of whom live in America.
This means that there are 5750 million people, the vast majority of potential hermit crab owners, who will accidentally cook their new pets if they take your advice.
As, with the url landhermitcrabs.com, you will undoubtedly be the first point of reference for anyone globally using the internet to find information on the care of their crabs, I feel that it is thoroughly irresponsible to use these figures without providing a clearly evident metric conversion.
I hope that you will take this point, and invest the very small amount of effort necessary to avoid the unpleasantness which could undoubtedly ensue from such accidental killing of pets.
Regards
Joel
I await their response with some urgency. Until they change their ways, and stop the wanton murder of our children's beloved pets, I say BOYCOT LANDHERMITCRABS.COM!
posted by Joel Veitch
6/6/2000 06:51:37 PM
Famous Mouth Cripples
Vital infomation available on the web. Celebrities That Had Braces lists all the relvant stars, including both Cameron Diaz and Butthead.
It also lists Cia Berg, who was (or is) apparently a "Swedish Singer in Whales"
Blimey.
This information courtesy of Yo, It's Time For Braces
posted by Joel Veitch
6/6/2000 03:06:11 PM
Let Me At Your Brain
I have just been looking at brain-surgery.com which gives good walk-throughs of how to do several neuro-surgical procedures.
I would like to practice Clipping an Aneurysm of the Posterior Inferior Cerebellar Artery.
Do you have a headache? Do you hear voices? I can help.
Send requests via email.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/6/2000 01:24:12 PM
Got My Goat
I thought I'd have a look at www.pygmygoat.com - expecting some anarchic lunacy.
What did I find? A page about Pygmy Goats. I should have seen that coming.
It seems you can buy one.
I've always wanted a pygmy goat.
I could maybe keep it in a box.
Having looked into the National Pygmy Goat Association it seems you can purchase registered Pygmy Goat Seed Stock.
I may have to ask them about buying Pygmy Goat Jiz. I wander how much it costs.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/6/2000 01:03:58 PM
Piss Millions
www.ideadollar.com has given a $1000 Golden Lightbulb Award to a guy who invented a "comedy gadget filled urinal"
"It gives men something to do when they're peeing, like sinking a small model battleship or ringing a bell"
Now hang on a minute. Am I the only bloke in the world who has been playing "Destroy the Cigarette-Butt Battleship With the Piss Cannon" for years?
How about the "Piss the Disinfectant Block Down the Drain Game"?
I thought I was quite good at spotting cash-making opportunities, but honest to God I never thought I could make a grand out of that.
Bugger.
I wonder if anyone has patented "Piss Tennis" (played with a cigarette-butt in the urinal) - the best sport that can be played in the pub, and a definite rival for the more standard tennis we see on the TV.
Actually, maybe I can swing some kind of sponsorship deal from Adidas. Anyone want to help me put together a business plan?
posted by Joel Veitch
6/6/2000 11:44:21 AM
Llama Farmer Drama
I came across a website with a picture of a Llama, which appeared to be on sale.
"Crikey" I thought, "A Llama for sale. You don't see that every day"
And so the following message winged its way from rathergood.com to the Llama Farmer:
How much for that llama on your website?
Does that include postage and packaging?
What about VAT?
Do they taste nice?
Joel.
The reply has just arrived:
If this is a joke, IT ISN'T FUNNY. WE DO NOT EAT LLAMAS. AND I TOTALLY DO
NOT APPRECIATE YOU ASKING THAT QUESTION. So what do you really want?
Hmm. Not happy then. They are obviously very devoted to their Llamas.
If anyone would like to send questions, the Llama Farmer can be reached at cvlr@bendcable.com
Please don't mention me though. I'm afraid of them now. They might come after me with Llamas or something.
It transpires that there are various other llama purchasing resources out there, so you can find your perfect little spitting companion at llamasforsale.com, or if they can't help you, try www.buyllama.com
Thank christ for that.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/5/2000 09:35:02 PM
Cheese
Is all cheese evil?
Or can I safely buy Gouda without fearing that it is the tool of Beelzebub?
Answers please via email
posted by Joel Veitch
6/5/2000 01:24:49 PM
Russia
It has come to my attention that the russian foreign minister is called Valery Semin.
He has a girl's name, and his surname is a posh word for spunk.
I no longer fear the Russian bear.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/5/2000 01:21:25 PM
Aardvarks
Aardvarks. They're a nightmare.
Luckily there is Aardvark Consulting to help you out.
I want to know how best to cook them.
posted by Joel Veitch
6/5/2000 12:58:17 PM
Gladiator
Yesterday I watched the film Gladiator. It was brilliant, and consequently today I am at work in a big spiky metal hat. Worryingly, I found that www.gladiator.co.uk is actually an insurance company.
I would like to know how they manage to make a profit, as judging by the film they must have to make out quite regular payments.
Maybe they just have very high premiums?
posted by Joel Veitch
6/5/2000 12:47:39 PM
