 |
|||||||
|
Enrich your mind! Improve your life! Atop an Inca pyramid in the Peruvian Amazon the Crab of Eternal Wisdom ponders the nature of existence with his horde of fanatical followers The Guru | Archive | Poetry | Inventions | Investigations | Sports | Ramblings ] |
|||||||
Saturday, June 10, 2000Death Hoover It appears that I got the wrong end of the stick about radio controlled lampreys (see I Want One posted 6th June below). Dave Stevenson has just sent me a note, informing me that infact scientists have put the brain of a parasitic blood-sucking fish into a hoover so that it can clean things up itself. Surely a nice, happy animal like a gerbil would have been more appropriate? I am now in fear of all hoovers, just on the offchance that they may be cyborg lampreys, looking to suck my insides out. Fear all home appliances. Friday, June 9, 2000Dead Animals Let's face it. When a pet dies it turns into food or compost (depending on species). Not for everyone though. Marvel at the emotional trauma of odd people at In Memory of Pets - the site with definitely the best animated gifs on the net. Clever Dick Dolphins I have my doubts about the mental health of dolphin trainers. I was looking at the stuff about dolphins on the John C Lilly Homepage and found this section in Sexual Behaviour "If Elvar, one of our dolphins, is alone and a small ring, about a foot in diameter and an inch thick, is tossed into the water, he will have an erection, with his penis lift it off the bottom and tow it around the tank." I think that may be just a little bit more than we needed to know. There is obviously a reason why Elvar only does this on his own. I say respect his privacy. I reserve the right to drag rings around with my nob in private. Wider Uses For RudeURL I have just fielded a call from an associate who required a name for his Fantasy Football team. I was playing with RudeURL at the time (see Porn Name Generator below) I think this could have yet more applications. If you find any more uses for this wonderful technology, please keep me informed- send notes to rudeverything@rathergood.com Why not keep Mr Manuel informed as well- he made the thing. Thursday, June 8, 2000Appeasement From the Crab Murderers! I have received a reply to my email to landhermitcrabs.com (see Crab Murderers posted 6th June below) in which I accused them of trying to persuade 5750 million children to cook their pets to death. They wrote: Hi Joel! Tell that to the bereaved millions! This sounds just like Hitler saying "I'm working on not invading Poland" in 1939 to me. Well, it didn't work on Churchill, and it won't work on me. We will fight them on the beaches! We will fight them in the fishtanks! WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER! Porn Name Generator Mr Manuel of tsluts.com has developed a breakthrough automatic porn domain name generator. It generates a new url every 10 seconds, and clicking on one you like will check if it is available. Within twenty seconds of activating this wonderful piece of technology it had told me that penissluts.com was available! You can't say fairer than that. Get into porn, it will make you rich. Pig Shit and Bollocks Having got excited about pigs guts (see below) I thought I would have a look into how to take care of the guts of a pig. Sure enough, I now know the appropriate amount of laxative to feed a pregnant pig which can't shit. There is an awful lot more info at this site. The most fascinating piece is on castration - it really made me wince to read it. Anyway, I now know how to pop out a pig's nuts, so if anyone wants a cheap alternative to a vasectomy, just drop me a line at nutsoff@rathergood.com and I'll have a hack with my penknife. I'll do it for a pint of beer. I suggest you have a few first yourself, as it might smart a little bit. Pig Guts Breakthrough! OK, this is pretty cool. You can now use pig's guts to cure women who piss themselves all the time, people whose guts pop out of their stomachs, and horrible pussy sores. As of this month pig's guts can even heal wounds that would normally need you to have your leg cut off! This is true, honestly, and I can prove it. Have a look at Purdue News - Material from pig intestine is remedy for deep sores, incontinence" They've even got a quicktime movie of someone being cured with pigs guts. Anyone with a horrible injury (chainsaw wound, fallen under a train etc) want me to cure them with a Leopard's Scrotum? I expect it will work. Send treatment requests to icancureanywoundwithaleopardsbollocks@rathergood.com Slurry Surfing What is slurry? What is the history of slurry? Why use slurry surfacing? These are questions which keep me awake at night. Thank God, then, for the International Slurry Surfacing Association, who will answer all of these questions and more in suicide-inducing detail. Catchy domain name too (slurry.org). Hardcore Chocolate I have just felt it necessary to send this mail to Focus magazine: I was surprised to read in your article on Ibogaine, p.74, that Actually, Ibogaine is pretty interesting stuff- an intense hallucinogen that can cure serious drug addictions. Have a look at ibeginagain.com's experiences section - sounds pretty insane. Latvian Fruit! Want to know what the temperature is in Riga, Latvia, AND see what some different types of fruit look like cut into half? ALL ON THE SAME SITE!!!???!!! SIA Asterss Will tell you the Latvian weather data you need to know, then click on the union jack to see the fruit! Brilliant. You can also click on the (wonderfully animated) Latvian flag to get the names of the fruits in Latvian, so you will never have problems buying the correct type of apple in ex-Soviet states again. Now that's what I call content. Ripe Veins? Feel like taking some veins out and putting them in different places for a change? Want to save money by doing it DIY? For a few pointers, have a look at the Virtual Operating Room's video of Endoscopic Vein Harvesting. They also do live events! This is soooooo much better than a pop concert. If you need to do some heart surgery on a friend (or abducted person) then I suggest you wait for the next live surgical broadcast with the patient strapped to a bench and a carving knife in hand, then simply copy the surgeon's actions as he goes along. The last one was Transmyocardial Revascularization (TMR) Without the use of blood, and the patient didn't die! It's always a bonus if they don't die. Frog Frenzy
Ever wondered what the call of the frog Pseudacris crucifer sounds like? I know I have! Check out Frog Calls to hear the croaks of several slimy little buggers. It's Frogtastic! Wednesday, June 7, 2000Bland News The Bland County Messenger has to be the best newspaper going. It's certainly got the best name. Strangely, the top story is not very bland- it involves a spillage of a flammable, erosive liquid onto the pavement. Other stories live up to the name though, including such wonderful headlines as "Bland native sees many changes in his 90 years," "Bland Board of Supervisors" and "Cadets from Bland High school spend time with the General" There is a big story about a girl who is going to go on summer camp as well. I Want One I mentioned the lamprey site below to a contact in the science media. He told me that apparently a scientist has just succeeded in attaching electrodes to a Lamprey's brain, and making it do things! I WANT A RADIO-CONTROLLED LAMPREY It will never be safe to swim again. Corpse Quiz Fun! The Forensic Entomology Quiz is a great giggle. EG Question 5: . If a corpse is found in temperate environments (20-22 degrees Celsius), the body feels cold, there are rigor mortis present, and there are fly eggs present, which of these statements can NOT be true? Death occurred less than a day ago Very useful info should you ever stumble upon a corpse, or die yourself. After Death gives some really handy hints. Representative quote: There's a lot of good stuff about which insects will eat you too, and it's all from the International Forensic Entomology Pages Nasty Fish Ever wanted to see a picture of a Sea Lamprey sucking the life out of a Rainbow Trout? Here's one!
There are more where this came from, including a picture of a Sea Lamprey sucking the life out of a different kind of Trout! They're at The Sea Lamprey Fishtank. Keep up the good work guys! Flies That Lay Eggs In Your Children Human Infestation With Rodent Botfly Larvae: A New Route of Entry? A touching tale of a 3 year old child with a maggot in his neck. Sediment I have been fascinated by sediment depth for many years, as I'm sure have most of you. Now, my prayers are answered. There is a map of the Total Sediment Thickness of the World's Oceans and Marginal Seas. Wicked! It looks like the sediment off the East Coast of South America is 10km thick in places! They haven't done the bit around the North Atlantic yet- I can hardly wait. I sent a message to the contact address asking what the point of knowing this was, but it was undeliverable, so I presume there isn't one. If you want to know how they did it go to NGDC - they used the algorithm for "Gridding with Continuous Curvature Splines in Tension" apparently. That always was one of my favourites. Big Cock Mr Manuel of tsluts.com has brought to my attention the fact that banana.co.ck is the Telecoms company in the Cook Islands. How you can have a sensible business called banana cock is beyond me, but there you go. Anyway, it turns out that big.co.ck is available. Will you beat me to it? Hick "Art" points to ponder - Beautiful wall displays featuring antique barbwire nicely mounted in a reclaimed barnwood frame. 'Nuff said. Fly Parasites OK, here's something really useful. www.flyparasites.com sell, believe it or not, fly parasites. They sell various parasites, but my personal favourite is Trichogramma. These little chaps come on a paper square, to which are glued 5,000 eggs. Minimum order of 5 squares = 25,000 plus little parasites. They even come with the date they will hatch written on them. Oh what joy to have 25,000 little pet parasites, especially if you can sit and watch them being born! Get in there. I also found a section where they "like to have a little fun." They suggest doing an experiment (just for laughs I suppose), which requires you to put 20 aquatic larvae in jars. I asked them where I can get 20 aquatic larvae- no reply as yet. I bet they're fun guys to talk to at parties though. Tuesday, June 6, 2000Giant Penis giantsquid.com look like a reasonable company. Their shark-fin VCM (Virtual Computer Mouse) looks like a good idea. It's just a shame that their logo looks like a penis (the one at the bottom of the page). A giant squid is very large. Would you want to deal with someone whose logo appeared to be a 90 foot penis? Blimey. Why not email them at Webmaster@GiantSquid.com and ask them why their logo is a 90 foot penis?
Crab Murderers Evil is out there! landhermitcrabs.com are trying to get children to cook their pets alive! I felt obliged to write them this note: Hi I was extremely concerned to read your section on hermit crab care, in which you state that hermit crabs should be kept at temperatures of 70 to 80 degrees. As you are no doubt aware, it is only in America that the Imperial system of measurement is used. There are 6 billion people in the world, only 250 million of whom live in America. This means that there are 5750 million people, the vast majority of potential hermit crab owners, who will accidentally cook their new pets if they take your advice. As, with the url landhermitcrabs.com, you will undoubtedly be the first point of reference for anyone globally using the internet to find information on the care of their crabs, I feel that it is thoroughly irresponsible to use these figures without providing a clearly evident metric conversion. I hope that you will take this point, and invest the very small amount of effort necessary to avoid the unpleasantness which could undoubtedly ensue from such accidental killing of pets. Regards Joel I await their response with some urgency. Until they change their ways, and stop the wanton murder of our children's beloved pets, I say BOYCOT LANDHERMITCRABS.COM! Famous Mouth Cripples Vital infomation available on the web. Celebrities That Had Braces lists all the relvant stars, including both Cameron Diaz and Butthead. It also lists Cia Berg, who was (or is) apparently a "Swedish Singer in Whales" Blimey. This information courtesy of Yo, It's Time For Braces Let Me At Your Brain I have just been looking at brain-surgery.com which gives good walk-throughs of how to do several neuro-surgical procedures. I would like to practice Clipping an Aneurysm of the Posterior Inferior Cerebellar Artery. Do you have a headache? Do you hear voices? I can help. Send requests to brain@rathergood.com Got My Goat I thought I'd have a look at www.pygmygoat.com - expecting some anarchic lunacy. What did I find? A page about Pygmy Goats. I should have seen that coming. It seems you can buy one. I've always wanted a pygmy goat. I could maybe keep it in a box. Having looked into the National Pygmy Goat Association it seems you can purchase registered Pygmy Goat Seed Stock. I may have to ask them about buying Pygmy Goat Jiz. I wander how much it costs. Piss Millions www.ideadollar.com has given a $1000 Golden Lightbulb Award to a guy who invented a "comedy gadget filled urinal" "It gives men something to do when they're peeing, like sinking a small model battleship or ringing a bell" Now hang on a minute. Am I the only bloke in the world who has been playing "Destroy the Cigarette-Butt Battleship With the Piss Cannon" for years? How about the "Piss the Disinfectant Block Down the Drain Game"? I thought I was quite good at spotting cash-making opportunities, but honest to God I never thought I could make a grand out of that. Bugger. I wonder if anyone has patented "Piss Tennis" (played with a cigarette-butt in the urinal) - the best sport that can be played in the pub, and a definite rival for the more standard tennis we see on the TV. Actually, maybe I can swing some kind of sponsorship deal from Adidas. Anyone want to help me put together a business plan? Monday, June 5, 2000Llama Farmer Drama I came across a website with a picture of a Llama, which appeared to be on sale. "Crikey" I thought, "A Llama for sale. You don't see that every day" And so the following message winged its way from rathergood.com to the Llama Farmer: How much for that llama on your website? Does that include postage and packaging? What about VAT? Do they taste nice? Joel. The reply has just arrived: If this is a joke, IT ISN'T FUNNY. WE DO NOT EAT LLAMAS. AND I TOTALLY DO Hmm. Not happy then. They are obviously very devoted to their Llamas. If anyone would like to send questions, the Llama Farmer can be reached at cvlr@bendcable.com Please don't mention me though. I'm afraid of them now. They might come after me with Llamas or something. It transpires that there are various other llama purchasing resources out there, so you can find your perfect little spitting companion at llamasforsale.com, or if they can't help you, try www.buyllama.com Thank christ for that. Cheese Is all cheese evil? Or can I safely buy Gouda without fearing that it is the tool of Beelzebub? Answers please to cheese@rathergood.com Russia It has come to my attention that the russian foreign minister is called Valery Semin. Aardvarks Aardvarks. They're a nightmare. Luckily there is Aardvark Consulting to help you out. I want to know how best to cook them. Gladiator Yesterday I watched the film Gladiator. It was brilliant, and consequently today I am at work in a big spiky metal hat. Worryingly, I found that www.gladiator.co.uk is actually an insurance company. I would like to know how they manage to make a profit, as judging by the film they must have to make out quite regular payments. Maybe they just have very high premiums? |
|||||||
|
| |||||||
|
|
|||||||
"Is that a frog I hear? Which frog?"
