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Enrich your mind! Improve your life! Atop an Inca pyramid in the Peruvian Amazon the Crab of Eternal Wisdom ponders the nature of existence with his horde of fanatical followers The Guru | Archive | Poetry | Inventions | Investigations | Sports | Ramblings ] |
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Friday, June 16, 2000Art? I have added a couple of pictures to the Crab Palette Gallery. "Kill" and "Kill Again" from Mr Best of Leeds, UK are frankly frightening. They have really stretched the envelope on the Crab Palette front- taking the technology and integrating it with work in more standard art packages. See what you think anyway. Can you do better? Ferret Fanatics I was intrigued by Zen and the Art of Ferrets. There is a great Ask Buddha facility (ferret questions only) and a Halfway House for Woebegone Weasils. Also a photo of a ferret called Captain Adventure (although his name is now, sadly, changed) and much more. I sent Buddha (who looks to be a ferret himself- that will surprise the Thais) a brief query: Hello Buddha I will of course make any information on this interesting subject available. I also found this quote in a list of messages at florilegium.org regarding ferrets: The reminds me of an elderly ferret I met at Silver Hammer one year. He was "Don't step on my ferret, you lummox!" "Sorry, I didn't see him." "He's a white ferret on a black cloak. How could you miss him?" "I though he was fur trim." (I really did. He was a nice animal. But very tired all the time.) Centipede Aloft For many years I have wracked my brain to work out just how I could make an airborne centipede. Thanks to the wonders of the information age, you can now find the necessary details to do exactly that from A Modern Centipede. Representative quote: "Next time I will build the centipede with bigger triangles and also with inflatable legs." Yes, inflatable legs are a good thing. I have sent the writer a brief note: Hi If any useful info comes back, I will of course make it available. Thank God I have committed so many social faux pas in the company of banjo enthusiasts that my lack of banjo knowledge was becoming a real problem. Thank the lord, then, for the Glossary of Banjo Related Terms I sent the writer a quick note: Hi If he comes back to me with any good banjo stuff, you will see it here. Sell Bits Of Yourself Bored of your organs? Why not get the platform you need to offload them by acquiring kidney-for-sale.co.uk from greatdomains.com? Algae Query There are some very important questions being asked at inforocket.com My favourite at the moment is: How can a sustainable farmer grow and use blue green algea for soil fertility or any other farmer grown nitrogen fixing other than lugumes? I've never come across lugumes before, I have to admit. They'll pay you to answer it. Worse Than Crack I am on the tsluts mailing list. Join, it will change your life- mine is now so, so much worse. Send a blank email to tsluts-subscribe@egroups.com and you will be automatically signed up. Be warned, it may well drive you to complete despair. Thursday, June 15, 2000Voodoo FAQ Well, I was wondering about how to use evil black magic to curse my enemies, and realised that it might be difficult to get rid of an evil cursed chucky-type doll. Lucky for me, the Voodoo Cultural Centre have a Voodoo Doll FAQ including an answer to the question How to Properly dispose of Cursed Dolls and Objects? Incase you're interested, the answer is On a Saturday, place the doll (or object) in a clean white cloth, dig a hole in the earth, far away from your home (on Hallowed ground if possible), place the cloth wrapped dolls in the hole and burn them. Then, cover the ashes which remain with Holy Water or May Water and cover the hole over with the dirt. The earth will recycle that negative energy very quickly and turn it into positively and Blessings. When you return home afterwards, bathe very well, adding some Holy Water or May Water to your bath. Phew, that was close. My New Best Friend I have heard back from the M230 30mm AUTOMATIC CANNON people (see Great Toy below). Michael Schneider is my new best friend. He wrote: When purchased in lots of 5 the M230 is around $65K. The cannon is mostly used against personnel and light targets e.g., BMP, APC, trucks, etc. The M230 can be effective on hard targets by selectively engaging key areas. Michael L. Schneider Brilliant. Can anybody lend me $65,000? Please email non-sequential 5s and 10s to iwanttohelpsetjoellooseonhackneywithabigcannon@rathergood.com Guide To Joining The Forces Off Darkness There is a wealth of useful information available at So You've Decided To Be Evil. Fortunately, in the section on where to locate your lair, the writer has omitted to mention the Evil Dome on the bed of the Pacific Ocean, where my personal secret headquarters is located. Oh bugger, given it away. Never mind, back to the Inca Pyramid it is, I suppose. Great Toy I want an M230 30mm AUTOMATIC CANNON - it looks like great fun. I sent the vendors a quick note: Hi
I will keep you up to date with their response, and assuming I can get one mail order I will keep a list of all the things I explode with it. I Must Have Gone Blind OK, it turns out Cap D'Agde is the place where the Nude City (see Nude Everything below) is based. I wonder how I managed to miss it? If you have ever been surrounded by 40,000 people with no clothes on and failed to notice, I would like to hear your story. Write to me at idontnoticewhenanentirecityfullofpeoplehavetheirbitsout@rathergood.com I didn't get hairy palms though, so if that's what you are thinking then you're just plain wrong. Ok? Nude Everything! The Naked Pancake Man has replied to me with some very important information (see Nude Pancakes below) He wrote: I don't know of any nudist resorts in England, but there is a nudist city in Wow! A whole nude city! I've been to Cap D'Agde before, although most people were wearing some clothes, so it must be different. Does anyone else live in a nude city? Is Brazilia or Kinshasa nude and I just didn't realise? If you live in a nude city, please contact me at iliveinanudecityandwanttotelltheworld@rathergood.com Maybe I will Find My One True Love I am currently single (read desparate). Luckily, I have found ASYS- The All Saints Young Singles Group, in Dallas, Texas. In their own words:"Our activities range from retreats and Bible study to community service to Club roadtrips and nightlife." Sounds pretty wild. I'm there. I am short of a shag at the moment though, (infact it has been so long I can't remember what to do any more) so I felt compelled to send them a quick query: Hi I was just looking at your site, and I had a couple of queries. Do you have an opinion on sex before marriage amongst people that you introduce? More to the point, do you have any particular stance on pre-marital pregnancy? Thanks Joel It's just that I would like the option to impregnate people without getting hitched. You know, in case they're ugly or something. If anybody would like me to impregnate them (marriage may require some further discussion) contact me at iwouldlikejoeltoimpregnateme@rathergood.com Wednesday, June 14, 2000Job I went for an interview this morning for a contract as a web co-ordinator and have just been told that it is too low level for me. Oh well- looked like a bit of a downer anyway. Do you have a job for me for 3 months paying loads of cash? I can get out of the one I'm in with a couple of days notice. If so, contact me at job@rathergood.com - I would be particularly interested to hear from people who want to pay me to sit in the sun all summer and drink beer. A commission basis would be good. How about you pay me £20 for every beer I can drink? I also do Ninja missions incase you are a secret government agency or international supercriminal. Nude Pancakes I am quite impressed with the concpet of "pancakes au naturel" - there should be more sites devoted to eating things in the nude (specific things, like pancakes). I sent the man a note- Are there any UK nudist sites you would recommend (either involving pancakes or not, as the case may be)? I will keep you informed if he gets back to me. In the meantime, I would be interested to hear from (preferably women) who have sites dedicated to nude artichoke eating, or possibly creme caramel in skimpy lingerie. Tuesday, June 13, 2000Bland News- Again! I know I plugged them last week, but I just love the Bland County Mesenger. I went back to it today, and the news has got even blander! A friend in the media didn't believe it was real, and this is the beauty of the thing. It's called Bland, it is incredibly bland, it reads like comedy and yet IT'S COMPLETELY REAL. I'm going to read it every day from now on. It's great. Virtual Sandwich Constructor Cyber-Sandwiches! Cool! There is a virtual sandwich constructor at The Official Sandwich Homepage which is very cool. I designed one called the Meaty Treaty. It contained all the meat. I would like a certificate of achievement. Austin Swinney swinney.org claims to be "The World's Leading Resource for Austin Swinney" And you know what, having checked it out, I think it really is. Microbes microbe.com will count your bacteria for only $55. Cool. Super Soup All your soupy needs are catered for at soupsong.com. They even have a song: Beautiful soup, so rich and green, Although this is apparently from Lewis Carroll. Treats for the soup enthusiast include soup in the news, soup goes to the movies etc etc. I am a keen soup watcher myself- it is a very relaxing hobby. If anyone knows any good soup recipes that involve llamas, please send them to me at llamasoup@rathergood.com Cow Flatulence Just how much do all the cows in the world fart? Find out at CIESIN - Methane Emissions From Livestock Gutrot Fun Think you know everything there is to know about dodgy guts? Why not test yourself against the experts with Warner Lambert's Fun Product Quiz on Acid Relief - it's raw adrenaline. Young Women And Old Slimy Men Last night I went to Stringfellows after watching England lose to Portugal. Peter Stringfellow was there. We went into the nice bit where he was and got told to go away, so we went down to the bar bit where there were lots of young girls with no clothes on wiggling their bums at sleazy old grey haired men. Spent a fortune too. Don't think I'll be going back there. If there are any young ladies who fancy wiggling their bums in my face for free, or ideally who fancy paying me to let them wiggle their bum in my face, please contact me at iwouldliketowigglemybuminjoelsfaceandpayhim@rathergood.com Emoticon Madness I never realised there were so many emoticons! Have a look at the CCI Dictionary's list including such useful ones as "hats off to you!" and "tongue hanging out in disgust." They don't have (_!_) though. Arseholes. I Will Control People I'm picking up some really useful hints on how to brainwash people at Thought Reform Programs and the Production of Psychiatric Casualties When Will This Cheese Business End? Apparently 1996 was the Year of the Angry Cheese. Everywhere except Mexico City and New Zealand anyway. Not sure how this relates to the evil / good problem as described in previous posts. I Am An Anarchist Crikey- it seems that by mentioning the word PEZ I am risking a lifetime behind bars! InternetNews says that PEZ will prosecute anyone using their name on the web. COME ON THEN! PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ PEZ Give me your best shot PEZ fascists- you'll never take me alive. Elvis As A Sweet Do you lie awake at night, losing sleep over PEZ queries? If so, the PEZ FAQ is for you! There is a wealth of important information available- for example: Q: I saw an Elvis Presley PEZ dispenser in the movie "The Client". Where can I buy one? So now you know! Also find out whether they turn real people into PEZ dispensers! (I always assumed they were made of plastic). Monday, June 12, 2000Trial By URL Mr Manuel of tsluts.com has written to me, proposing a method for deciding whether cheese is evil or good (see far too many of the posts below). He wrote: This is a technically valid but nonexistent URL: http://fromage.fr/ais/ [France] As is: http://cheese.is.sa/tan/ [Saudi] As is: http://the.cheese.is.com/ing/to/get/you/ However, there can never be (under the current ISO standard): http://cheese.is.ev/il/ And furthermore we can't have: http://cheese.is.not.ev/il/ either I thereby conclude that cheese is neutral.... er and that's why we have Swiss Cheese.
Interestingly, tsluts.com has just been threatened with legal action by breathe.com for text message naughtiness- quite an amusing letter from breathe's legal types on the site- worth a look. Cheese Update At last some evidence on the subject of cheese- evil or divine? (see Viva Cheese below) The Evil Cheese Trilogy is firmly on the side of evil, with quotes such as: “I AM CHEESE! I HAVE NO MUSCLES! YET I SHALL ANNIHILATE YOU AND ALL YOUR KIND!” It does appear to be fiction though (at least I hope it is for all our sakes). If anyone has any firmer evidence one way or the other, please send it, as ever, to cheese@rathergood.com Jeeves Don't Know Shit I asked Jeeves "Why is life shit?" to see if he was as good as he claimed he was. He came back to me with "Why is poop brown?" I think Jeeves is a bit of a dick. Thorax Fun After a long search for a specific picture on their site, I have failed to find what I was looking for at The Mutter Museum - hence this note: Hi The thorax should be in the public domain! We demand to see the thorax! They do have some quite interesting stuff about diseases and stuff though. Toe Turmoil My toe hurts. I don't have time to see a doctor. I fear I may be suffering from "The Disease of Kings" - what to do? In my misery and suffering, I have turned to the only people who may be able to help. I wrote to Caroline at teenadvice.net Hi Today I have a sore toe. Do I have Gout? Joel I had to lie about my age though. I hope Caroline doesn't suspect. If anybody else knows if I have gout, please send me your diagnosis at soretoe@rathergood.com Viva Cheese Last week I asked the question "Is all cheese evil?" No satisfactory answers were forthcoming, so I decided to investigate myself. The obvious place to go with this sort of problem is www.cheese.com - The #1 resource for cheese. "It's all about cheese!" to use their words. This is indeed a wonderful resource, even offering free email (yourname@cheese.com). They have info on the genesis of cheese: "Cheese is nutritious food made mostly from the milk of cows but also other mammals, including sheep, goats, buffalo, reindeer, camels and yaks. Around 4000 years ago people have started to breed animals and process their milk. That's when the cheese was born." However, no mention of whether it is a messenger of God, or a tool of Beelzebub. What an omission! Hence this note: Hi I await their response with great trepidation. Until I have received an answer, I suggest that everyone stays well clear of cheese, just to be on the safe side. If anyone knows the answer to this, please contact me at cheese@rathergood.com |
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