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Enrich your mind! Improve your life! Atop an Inca pyramid in the Peruvian Amazon the Crab of Eternal Wisdom ponders the nature of existence with his horde of fanatical followers The Guru | Archive | Poetry | Inventions | Investigations | Sports | Ramblings | Weblog Archive] |
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Friday, June 23, 2000Parasite Pictures Short of snaps of your favourite parasitic worm? Well visit The Parasitology Images List. It's jam-packed with pics of worms, nits, insects and eggs, and there's even a picture of a male and female Schistosoma japonicum having a shag! Brilliant! I sent wormman a quick note:
I await his reply with interest. What I would really like to see is a picture of a man with a parasite that is bigger than he is. Several times bigger infact. Hopefully in his head. If you have a parasite in your head that is bigger than you are, please send a picture and information to ihaveaparasiteinmyheadwhichisbiggerthanme@rathergood.com Yet More Obscenities The Calculus Cat Curse Generator is a particularly good variation on the obscenities theme. Make him swear at his TV. I like "DIM PIFFLING SCABSOCKET" I like it. I like it a lot. Bagpipes Cosmos Not Bagpipe Land, or even Bagpipe World, no, it is far bigger than that. It's a veritable Universe of Bagpipes, and it caters for all your bagpipe needs. Doll Terror I am scared of these dolls Insult-o-Matic More insults! Wa-hey! Everybody's into obscenities! Following hot on the heels of my Swear-O-Tron, and tsluts RudeURL, there is also an Insult-O-Matic. Lots of interesting other stuff on the site too. It's where Gnomes go to die apparently, which judging by the Killer Gnome Gallery (see Death Gnome Madness below) they must do quite a lot. If anyone wants to send me anything else that generates obscenities, please contact me at shitfuckbollockstwatmingeslagyoufuck@rathergood.com Chihuahua Apocalypse I never realised just how formidable Chihuahuas can be. The Chihuahua Homepage is a great resource for these little buggers and their place in history. Quote: (regarding their role in World War 2) "The chihuahuas acute sense of balance, hearing and highly developed brain stems coupled with brilliant German engineering made the dogs ideal for use as living gyroscopes. The dogs were wired into the rockets cockpits before launch and somehow guided the lethal rockets to their targets in Britan and Europe." Well I never knew that. Also a wealth of information on their place in Aztec human sacrifice and their ability to survive for months in the desert by absorbing moisture through their ears. Wonderful! Death Gnome Madness I always knew that Lawn Gnomes were violent murderers, and now I have been vindicated. I have just found some lovely pictures of Lawn Gnomes fighting each other. Thursday, June 22, 2000Guruage I've put up a new bit of guruage- Particle Physics Explained This was a question from a genuine astrophysicist it turns out. It may help to have a basic knowledge of quantum mechanics etc, but hopefully will make sense regardless. If you have any questions, as ever, to guru@rathergood.com Rude Stuff Here is a list of 8102 rude urls. They were created by RudeURL at tsluts.com They make extremely good reading- there are a good few worth registering (I particularly like bignasty.com). Big Cat Carnage The report on Animal Attacks: Captive Felines makes very good reading. It's remarkable just how many there are- loads infact. As usual in Britain we are way off the pace: 10th April in Sao Paulo, 5 lions devoured a 6 year old boy in a tent full of spectators. 2 civilians wounded by police gunfire. 24th February in Kent, England, a zoo keeper was bitten on the eyelid by an ocelot. This is so typical of our nation's recent lacklustre performance. I suggest writing to the Prime Minister demanding that we have more spectacular big cat attacks. World class ones infact. It might make up for the disgraceful performance of our football team. Dog Eat Dog There's a lovely piece on what goes into pet food at Polluted Pet Food. quote: "the "hoggers" (the large vats used to grind and filter animal tissues prior to deep-fat-frying) held an eclectic mix of body parts ranging from "dead dogs, cats, raccoons, possums, deer, foxes [and] snakes" to a "baby circus elephant" and the remains of Bozeman, a Police Department quarterhorse that "died in the line of duty". It's 10 years old now though so I expect these days petfood is made of prime steak. Personally, I would be prepared to pay a premium for either baby circus elephants or dead police horses on my plate. Wouldn't you? If you have a dead baby circus elephant for sale quote me a price at eatbabyelephantsfortea@rathergood.com Mentally Ill People May Not Be Evil Says Pope The Catholic Church has recognised that some people in need of psychiatric assistance may not actually be possessed by demons at all. Real Killer Bee Mayhem By a bizarre twist of fate, having been sadly disappointed by my failure to find a story about a small child saving the world from Killer Bees yesterday (see Killer Bee Mayhem below), I have today found exactly that! Have a look at This Is Gloucestershire's article "Girl, 10, saves baby brother from bee swarm" Anyway, it was a lot of baby-eating bees. Hole in Your Head I was talking to my doctor friend about trepanation. He mentioned a man had come into his ward with a drill bit sticking out of his head, having tried to trepan himself. I thought I'd have a look into it. The International Trepanation Advocacy Group have a lot of information about drilling / scraping / cutting bits out of skulls throughout the ages, incase you want to know, including videos for sale and sound clips ("Blood Spout" and "STOP THE DRILLING!" for example). I like the picture of a self-trepanation, personally. Unfortunately the bit on how to persuade your doctor to cut a hole in your head has not been written yet though, so it's still a powerdrill infront of the mirror for the time being. Wednesday, June 21, 2000Impregnation Go-Ahead As you may remember I sent a note to the All Saints Young Singles group (in their own words: "Our activities range from retreats and Bible study to community service to Club roadtrips and nightlife" to see whether it was alright for me to impregnate their members without getting married (see Maybe I Will Find My One True Love posted 15 June below). They have replied to me. They wrote: This is not an issue that our group addresses. It is Sod off will I go and ask my Catholic Church! They'll tell me to get hitched or not impregnate anyone. Sounds like ASYS are up for impregnating pretty much all the women. I'm there. Anyone else want to be impregnated? offers to iwouldlikejoeltoimpregnatemeandnotgethitched@rathergood.com Build Lovely Ladies Have a look at the c-bot builder. I will refrain from comenting on this, except to say that you should go there. My entry is called Miss Rathergood 2000. She's luverly. Horny Cactus I like Bizarre's Picture of the Week Killer Bee Mayhem I noticed the headline "Rivals drop like flies as 8th-grader captures killer Bee" - No way! I thought- this sounds very cool. Mental images of men and women screaming from within attacking swarms of millions of psychotic killer bees, dropping to their knees, screaming "MY EYES! GOD NO NOT MY EYES!" In the midst of this, a young child bravely wrestling one of these rampant marauders, struggling, to the ground, and in some way, so doing, saving the day. I clicked on the story. It was about a young child spelling words correctly. Bugger. Their Young Will Save Your Life Due to all this fly frenzy, I thought I would have a look into the benefits of flies other than making you fabulously wealthy (see previous three posts). It turns out that their young will save your life. The Maggot Therapy Project explains all the details of how allowing maggots to infest your putrefying flesh will increase your chances of survival, and they even have a Maggot Order Form online! They will normally despatch your maggots within 24 hours! Great! It costs $60 for 500-1000 maggots though, so I suppose you'd have to sell quite a lot of dead flies to get not a lot of live maggots. At least once they've saved your life, you can let them mature, kill them and sell the corpses to make back some of your investment. Anyway, I'm off to give myself a horrible wound so that I can chuck them in, and see how long it takes me to not die! If anyone else tries this and wants to share the results of their research, please contact me at ihavehorriblywoundedmyselfandnotdiedthankstomaggots@rathergood.com Fly Forum I am getting some interesting feedback on the fly finance scam (see previous two posts). Chris Marsh, of Leeds UK said: What you could do is train a load of flies to fly across the atlantic to a Mr Manuel of tsluts elaborated: Brilliant. I agreee Chris. Simply genetically engineer flies to fly to this guys house, If anyone has any further comments or moments of enlightenment regarding the best way to get fly corpses across the atlantic, please contact me at cashfordeadflies@rathergood.com Answer From The Fly People Unbelievably, the Fly People have replied to me (see Collect Dead Flies and Make Money below) They wrote: A large garbage bag can hold approximately 20 lbs of dried flies, give or As your email address indicates that you are in the UK, I would presume that If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to write or call. Eric W. Acosta - Director So there you go. Now you know. Get a large garbage bag full of dead flies and dry them out, and they are worth $140 He's right about one other thing as well- this transaction is definitely ludicrous. Maybe I should move to the continental USA. Or find someone here who will do me a deal. Tuesday, June 20, 2000Collect Dead Flies and Make Money I am always short of dead flies, so it was a relief to find the Arbico Solar Fly Trap. Good advice on use as well- "The best time to remove the flies is early morning, when the not-yet dead flies are asleep" Yup, get them in their sleep. The way of the Ninja. The really amazing thing, though, is that, and I quote: "ARBICO will BUY dead flies in 20 lb lots" Amazing! I sent them a note: Hi This is the most exciting business opportunity I have ever come across. I am going to get so rich. If you want to unload your collection of dead flies for a profit, why not contact them at ebugs@biconet.com Porcine Projectiles A very worryiong development in arms technology. Aerodynamic and Ballistic Properties of Porcine Projectiles is a report detailing various pig-related items of weaponry, which I am sure will result in some kind of porky arms-race. They include APDS: Artillery grade Pork wth Discarding Sabot - after firing, the pie dish separates, permitting a fatter trajectory I will never trust pork scratchings again. Wicked Wagga Wagga Woodturning I'm short of stuff to do, so it was a great relief to find the Wagga Wagga Turnabout 1999. It says bookings are open for 2000 but the date is March. It's in Australia though, where the clocks go backwards due to the Coriolis Effect, so it's actually in September by our calender. Representative quote: " Look at the shine on that small bowl. Raw adrenaline! Dead Elephant There's not enough film of elephants being electrocuted. Luckily, theelectricchair.com have what I assume is the only relevant elephant snuff flick. The quality is awful but hey, I've never seen a better one. It was done by Thomas Eddison apparently, so that must make it science or something. Monday, June 19, 2000Swear-O-Tron The Swear-O-Tron is without a doubt the single most important technical innovation in the history of mankind. Able to swear far more effectively than any human, it will undoubtedly win me the Nobel Prize for Everything. Check it out. It's the best thing in the world. Hahabonk are pretty damn good in general to be fair, and it is an honour and a priviledge to be involved with them. Seriously, their stuff is pretty funny and worth a look. Crap Stuff I love the Museum of Weird Consumer Culture For example: "MacCoffee. On the front it says it has "True American Taste." On the back the back the instructions are in Russian, and there is a tiny label "Made in Singapore." My student, Candice Lowe brought this back from Kazakhstan. " Also, don't miss the solar-powered capuccino frother. Cat Launcher A requirement for a Cat Launcher came up in conversation with a friend. "I wonder if such a thing exists?" I asked myself. Sure enough, DemonPeter has written an ode to his. Brain Transmitters I was talking to a doctor friend on Friday. He told me about a mad person who had come into his A&E ward talking very softly, because the aliens had implanted a transmitter in his brain. The doctor inspected his ear, and gave the man the sterile tip of the probe, saying that this was the implant, which was now removed. The man talked normally after this, and ran off to have the "transmitter" analysed. Cure? Hmm. Anyway, there is more brain implant info at Secrets + Conspiracies - Neural Nastiness or alternatively at From Alien Abductions Via MKUltra to an Implanted Cyber-Situation Make up your own mind. I wouldn't trust your decision though if I were you- there is probably a transmitter in your brain telling you to think it is ridiculous tosh. Citrus Denouement A terrible tale of lemon tragedy at Grumpy Young Frosh Tells A Little Story: "The Lemon Poster was big. The Lemon Poster was beautiful. The Lemon Poster, irony of ironies, featured a big lemon on it. Underneath the lemon, it urged: ``go to Conada's Wonderland, go to Conada's Wonderland, go to Conada's Wonderland.'' And at the very bottom, it said ``Sublemonal messages.'' I won't tell you how it ends, but you may cry. Hooliganism Given the current climate of "multi-national mayhem" in Belgium, I thought I would have a look into being a Football Hooligan. It seems to be the fashionable thing to do, after all. I think a good few tips can be picked up at footballhooligan.net if you are approaching this from scratch. They have pics and video, so you can see what sort of thing to do, and the forum contains a lively flow of informed debate (eg I AM SAVAGE TURK). For a slightly different take on the subject, you could look at the review of Understanding Soccer Hooliganism in Reviewing Sociology. The reviewer disses it: "In its application to football hooliganism, however, Kerr has not given enough emphasis to the social factors that relate to the reversal of the hypothesised metamotivational states. Psychology as a subject is problematic in that it champions the cause of scientist of validity and hypothetico-deductive logic, while at the same time it produces non-sequiturs that explain themselves through recourse to that explanation" But I think it sounds quite reasonable. Frogs Are Evil Frog Facts and Fotos has a wealth of information on Frogs, and a nice set of photos by Froggie, the Frogstore's Chief Frogperson. By far and away the most useful thing on there, though, is this sinister snippet hidden away towards the bottom of their fact-list: "The people of Ireland believed them to be close relatives of the leprechaun and capable of playing tricks on you when least expected." A while ago I was struck down by an elbow problem which I had to go to hospital about. I didn't quite catch what the doctor said, but it sounded like "a leprechaun" to me, and he even showed me the cut where it had got in. Leprechauns are evil. The one that burrowed into my elbow had me out of action for a week. It sounds to me like Frogs are their evil associates. Fear them! Hunt them down! Rude Dead Frog? I have been expanding my knowledge at the Interactive Frog Dissection. I am a little bit disturbed by this piece of instruction: "once the muscle flaps have been separated from the underlying tissue, they must be pinned back to allow access to the body cavity." So I have sent them a little note- under the "did you have any problems" box- Not a bad one- but I am slightly unsure about flap separation I hope to have this minor irritation sorted out shortly. Burny Death Fight No wonder Prince Naseem wins all his fights- it looks as though he uses flame-throwing gloves! This would, I suppose, explain why all his opponents collapse in writhing agony and die at the first punch. I sent them this little query: Hi
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