Soapy Titbits
Wonderful news! GIMMESOAP.COM will be launching on Monday. You can register now though, and get a daily delivery of soap opera direct to your inbox.
It's the best thing ever to happen in the history of mankind. Why am I so upbeat about it? Because I have a stake in it of course. Anyway, I've sweated blood (as have various other people) to make it the best thing of any kind ever in the history of everything, so have a look, type in your email address, and sit back and enjoy the wonderful new life that will be yours for the taking once you're one of the gang.
GIMMESOAP.COM cures all known diseases.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/31/2000 02:38:29 AM
Pirate Music
With all the current hype about pirating music on the web, I thought I'd get in on the action.
I thought I would do a piratical cover of Gina G's "Oo, Aah, Just A Little Bit"
It's a huge improvement on the original- listen to it (it's only 69k, won't take long)
If there's any particular tune including the word "aaaarrrrr" that you would like to hear a pirate version of, please send suggestions to me.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/29/2000 01:04:38 PM
Gallery Update
After another lengthy period of deliberation, the Esteemed Panel of Judges for the Crab Palette Gallery have decided to honour another 2 applicants with inclusion.
A shade of ennui gives a metaphysical edge to Mr Keith Duncan's "Crap Balette" while Mr Rob Tyler's masterpiece "The Sheep and the Cowboy" could not be more different. In his own words:
""It tells the tale of a cowboy, who wants to catch a sheep. He has a gun and a lasso thingy, so the sheep is quite scared. Also, there is an alien presence watching from the heavens in the alien mother ship (the aliens are not dangerous, so its ok). The cowboy is called Jim-Bob and the sheep does not have a name, but I think Mandy would be nice."
To see these great works and the other exhibits along with the judges' comments and criticism, all created with my revolutionary Crab Palette Art Package, have a look at the Gallery.
Think you can do better? Draw a picture in squashed crabs using the Crab Palette and submit it to our judges. The competition is still running, so you could still be a famous artist! If you don't play, you can't win!
posted by Joel Veitch
8/26/2000 05:01:52 PM
Classic Curry
The CurryConnoisseurClub is obviously the fruit of years of painstaking research. If you want to know where to get a curry in Yorkshire, the reviews must surely be the best place to start.
However, the best thing is without a doubt the definitive list of every Curry related song.
I particularly like Sandie Shaw: Poppadum a String, and Madonna: Poppadum Preach.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/25/2000 11:32:05 PM
Tractor Mayhem
Shake with raw adrenaline as you read the masterpiece of modern history that is "More Memories of a Field Service Engineer" at Yesterday's Tractors.
There are loads of photos of old tractors too, including this sexy snap of a 1948 Allis Chalmers IB.
You get the chance to comment on the photos too. Cool.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/25/2000 10:51:46 PM
Bad Cab Ride
I spent the night in the pub with Mr Manuel of tsluts discussing our latest scheme to make millions out of all these internets that everybody's going on about these days.
He took a cab home late, and I received this note in the morning:
"Last Night.
Got a cab from Victoria Station... Stupidly, I got a mini-cab rather than a
black cab.
The guy seemed alright.. Indian chap, 2 years in UK. We talked about his
home, and the good quality of Indian computer programmers. Everything normal
enough.
Then out of the blue, he asks me if I want a massage. I politely decline,
and attempt to steer conversation back to India. He then says I can massage
him if I like. Again I decline, and again attempt to move conversation to
safer ground... He then offers to forget about the fare if he can massage
me... Once again I decline, and this time give up attempting to change the
conversation and stare out the window. He offers to pay me if he can massage
me. Hmmm, not exactly tempted here.
I have to get out to get cash for the fare. Think about running off, but get
back into the cab. He says "So are you up for this massage or not." I repeat
"no no no." What is it with this guy? A no is simple enough to understand
isn't it?
We reach my road. He stops the car. I get out and don't look back.
So there you go."
I will be taking the tube from now on.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/25/2000 10:43:20 PM
Shooting Groceries
To quote the introduction to Innocent Inanimate Objects:
"On Dec 17 1995 I went out with a bunch of groceries and shot them with .357, .45, 9mm and .22 pistols."
Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. There are a good selection of video clips of groceries exploding, with titles such as "Cardboard box of tofu shot with a .357 Cor-Bon" and "Kiwi shot with a high-velocity 88 grain 9mm hollowpoint"
Excellent stuff.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/25/2000 09:47:05 PM
Fetus Frenzy
I have always wanted to see a step-by-step guide of how to dismember the unborn porcine young. It is therefore a great relief that my attention has been drawn to the Fetal Pig Dissection Slideshow.
If anybody has any insights on how to dismember other species' unborn young, please send them to me.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/25/2000 09:36:54 PM
How To Blend In
Genius. A superlative demonstration of how to blend in from Dean and Nigel.
As I am sure you can imagine, I do a lot of blending in myself, what with international conspiracies plotting my downfall all over the place, but I am sure you will be able to learn something.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/25/2000 09:20:13 PM
Deadly Cats
I often wonder just how many things cats kill. Luckily, Martin Black has drawn my attention to The Mammal Society's report on cat kills.
It seems that in the UK cats kill at least 300 million animals and birds every year.
I reckon that my cat, the formidable Vladimir Leyton Orient Veitch, must kill at least 300 million things a year on his own, including Rhinocerous and Cape Buffalo, which he stalks through the streets of East London like the Dwarf Panther that I suspect he really is.
If you suspect that your ostensibly domestic cat is infact a Dwarf Panther, please send your story (and ideally a picture of it bringing down big game animals in an urban environment) to me.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/25/2000 08:56:56 PM
Get Rich Quick Scheme
I have come up with a great money making scheme. A friend recently showed me a Woolly Mammoth tooth which she had inherited from her Grandfather. It was absolutely huge. If you'd like to see what a Woolly Mammoth tooth looks like, have a look at this picture.
Anyway, it strikes me that if you were to procure a Woolly Mammoth tooth, and leave it under your pillow, the Tooth Fairy would be obliged to give you an absolute fortune in return for it. Assuming the Tooth Fairy pays by weight, and also assuming that the going rate the last time I personally did business with the Tooth Fairy (some years ago now) remains much the same allowing for inflation, I have calculated that putting a Woolly Mammoth tooth under your pillow should net you approximately $1,000,000.
Does anyone have a Woolly Mammoth tooth I can have? If you have sold a Woolly Mammoth tooth to the Tooth Fairy for $1,000,000 and would like to tell the world, send me your story.
I quickly searched for "Tooth Fairy" and found that I was directed, rather than to the Tooth Fairy's headquarters, to the rather scary Toothfairy Teeth site. It's worth a look, they have some quality merchandise. Oh yes indeedy. There's a gallery of their produce available.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/15/2000 02:25:33 AM
The Greater British Empire
As you will probably be aware, I am currently on holiday in Washington DC and am hence surrounded by Americans.
As a result of this, I have decided to lend the support of my horde of fanatical followers to Dr Fenderson's Greater British Empire.
This seems like an admirable idea to me, and I am quite sure that this empire will prove to be a useful ally in my coming push to subjugate humanity to my will.
I will of course eat it alive when the time is right.
You can see the pledges I have made in order to secure the allegiance of the Empire.
I think you'll agree this is a masterpiece of machiavellian statesmanship.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/11/2000 09:57:04 PM
Cheese Mayhem
In the course of a recent conversation it became evident to me that I could become very wealthy by developing a lifejacket made of special buoyant cheese. The lifejacket could be oversized, allowing the wearer to eat a large amount of it without sinking.
It would be marketed with the slogan "Cheeses Saves"
This product would undoubtedly be best used in conjunction with my Magnetic Cheese for maximum dairy produce survival benefit.
If you would like to invest large amounts of hard cash in this wonderful opportunity, please email used non-sequential fives and tens.
Excited by this development, I decided to have a look into existing high-tech cheese equipment, and was very pleased to find this remarkable automatic cheese identification device.
Wonderful! I want one.
Credit must be given here to Julie Farnen, whose thrilling anecdote regarding a "Jesus Saves" plate and candle lead to the moment of clarity from which this wonderful scheme arose.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/7/2000 04:55:54 PM
Die Fishy
Short of ideas for how to kill fish? There is a lot of advice available at this Euthanasia guide.
To my surprise, he advises against killing a four foot catfish by putting it in a tank of piranhas. However, wrapping it in a cloth and throwing it at the wall is perfectly acceptable.
I'm off to the pet shop to buy some fish, so that I can try out the various techniques for myself. If you have a fun or unusual method of killing fish, why not send me details.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/5/2000 08:38:07 PM
Scary Food
I have just arrived in Washington DC on holiday. First impressions? Well, it's the scariness of the food.
I went for breakfast down the road and walked past Kung Fu Pizza - how scary. I'm not sure how it works, but I expect either they kung-fu leap the pizza over to you, or you get a pizza with extra kung-fu.
Went for an Italian instead- they had Fettucini El Diablo on the menu- I fear evil incarnate spaghetti even more than a ninja pizza.
Looks like I may starve.
Bugger.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/4/2000 10:15:17 PM
Pterodactyl Man
I had a very vivid dream last night, which involved me running around in a brightly coloured pterodactyl suit, with small glowing skulls at the end of each finger. I was Pterodactyl Man, and I didn't do anything either good or bad, and everyone knew it was me inside the pterodactyl suit.
Pretty unique, I thought. I searched to check that no-body had had a similar experience before, and to my horror found various sites about "Pterodactyl Man", including this interview.
Bugger.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/4/2000 10:09:40 PM
Sinister Techno-Cat Deterrant
Martin Black has drawn my attention to the technical revolution available from PawSense. When it detects a cat typing on your pc, it makes a noise which "annoys the cat"
While they seem to think that most cats will learn that they should not type, I strongly suspect that if it tried to deter my cat, Vladimir Leyton Orient Veitch in such a way, he would probably launch an all-out offensive against the computer.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/3/2000 11:15:58 AM
Hedgehog Parasite Info
Having trouble identifying your hedgehog parasite? I know I am!
Thank God, then, for the Welsh Hedgehog Hospital. The infinitely useful hedgehog parasite image gallery will help you to identify your hedgehog parasite in double quick time.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/3/2000 01:09:37 AM
Sinister Pet Update
In response to Sinister Techno-Cat (see below) Martin Black sent me some useful info:
my cat also sits on my lap while I do things on my Mac thing. a while ago
it puked up all over the keyboard, I have now bought a PC and the cat's
stomach has remained calm. is there a lesson to be learnt here?
My cat is called moth, 13 years old.
There is definitely a lesson to be learned here. I strongly suspect that as a result of recent legal proceedings Bill Gates has decided to genetically engineer a parasite which infects cats and makes them vomit on products that do not use Microsoft technology. Coincidence? Never.
This is extremely sinister.
For legal reasons, I have been advised to point out that I did not just say that- it was someone else who looked like me.
Germans in a camper van, infact.
They've gone now.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/3/2000 01:06:05 AM
Holiday
I'm going on holiday for a couple of weeks- woo-hoo! As a result, there is likely to be a lack of new posts here for a little while- why not have a look at the main part of the site instead?
posted by Joel Veitch
8/3/2000 01:00:09 AM
Odd Questions
I just ordered a new PC from Dell. They asked me if I intended to use it to develop weapons of mass destruction. Infact, if I answered yes, they wanted me to specify what sort of weapons of mass destruction I was going to use it to make.
I wonder exactly how many positive responses they get to that?
posted by Joel Veitch
8/3/2000 12:57:31 AM
Meta Spy
The Meta-Spy rocks. It shows you what people are searching for on metacrawler in real time. A one minute look turned up people searching for "Japanese Panty Gallery," "Hemoroid Treatments," (sic) "Frank Sinatra" and "sodium phosphatemolecular weight" among many others.
If you're short of ideas, it's worth a try.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/1/2000 12:58:01 PM
Donkeys
The Neato Donkey Page has everything you could ever want to know about donkeys. It's dedicated to the preservation of American Mammoths or something apparently, which I thought were all dead, but there you go.
Click on the donkey's nose - it's very cool.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/1/2000 12:00:26 PM
Sinister Techno-Cat
My cat lives next to the computer. When I work, he sits on me, and helps by walking on the keyboard and showing me what he thinks I should be typing.
This may seem perfectly innocuous, but it seems that infact he has a sinister agenda.
I was alerted by a friend that someone had posted my portrait at http://www.metababy.com/jake-or-rudy
so I decided to have a look . To my horror, the cat on the right, masquerading as "Rudy," appears to infact be my cat, Vladimir Leyton Orient Veitch.
He has also re-named me "Orbitron 5000" presumably to cover his tracks. He is asking people to vote for him, obviously in an attempt to build up enough of a following to take over the world. I voted for my picture, and it did not register, so he has obviously used his evil genius to rig the ballot.
Sinister. Very sinister.
So, I have a sinister techno-cat. If you have a sinister techno-cat, or other pet such as an evil techno-chinchilla, I would like to hear your story.
posted by Joel Veitch
8/1/2000 11:07:23 AM
