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Atop an Inca pyramid in the Peruvian Amazon the Crab of Eternal Wisdom ponders the nature of existence with his horde of fanatical followers

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Saturday, August 26, 2000

Gallery Update

After another lengthy period of deliberation, the Esteemed Panel of Judges for the Crab Palette Gallery have decided to honour another 2 applicants with inclusion.

A shade of ennui gives a metaphysical edge to Mr Keith Duncan's "Crap Balette" while Mr Rob Tyler's masterpiece "The Sheep and the Cowboy" could not be more different. In his own words:

""It tells the tale of a cowboy, who wants to catch a sheep. He has a gun and a lasso thingy, so the sheep is quite scared. Also, there is an alien presence watching from the heavens in the alien mother ship (the aliens are not dangerous, so its ok). The cowboy is called Jim-Bob and the sheep does not have a name, but I think Mandy would be nice."

To see these great works and the other exhibits along with the judges' comments and criticism, all created with my revolutionary Crab Palette Art Package, have a look at the Gallery.

Think you can do better? Draw a picture in squashed crabs using the Crab Palette and submit it to our judges. The competition is still running, so you could still be a famous artist! If you don't play, you can't win!
posted by Joel Veitch 8/26/2000 5:01:52 PM

Friday, August 25, 2000

Classic Curry

The CurryConnoisseurClub is obviously the fruit of years of painstaking research. If you want to know where to get a curry in Yorkshire, the reviews must surely be the best place to start.

However, the best thing is without a doubt the definitive list of every Curry related song.

I particularly like Sandie Shaw: Poppadum a String, and Madonna: Poppadum Preach.
posted by Joel Veitch 8/25/2000 11:32:06 PM

Tractor Mayhem

Shake with raw adrenaline as you read the masterpiece of modern history that is "More Memories of a Field Service Engineer" at Yesterday's Tractors.

There are loads of photos of old tractors too, including this sexy snap of a 1948 Allis Chalmers IB.

You get the chance to comment on the photos too. Cool.
posted by Joel Veitch 8/25/2000 10:51:46 PM

Bad Cab Ride

I spent the night in the pub with Mr Manuel of tsluts discussing our latest scheme to make millions out of all these internets that everybody's going on about these days.

He took a cab home late, and I received this note in the morning:

"Last Night.

Got a cab from Victoria Station... Stupidly, I got a mini-cab rather than a
black cab.

The guy seemed alright.. Indian chap, 2 years in UK. We talked about his
home, and the good quality of Indian computer programmers. Everything normal
enough.

Then out of the blue, he asks me if I want a massage. I politely decline,
and attempt to steer conversation back to India. He then says I can massage
him if I like. Again I decline, and again attempt to move conversation to
safer ground... He then offers to forget about the fare if he can massage
me... Once again I decline, and this time give up attempting to change the
conversation and stare out the window. He offers to pay me if he can massage
me. Hmmm, not exactly tempted here.

I have to get out to get cash for the fare. Think about running off, but get
back into the cab. He says "So are you up for this massage or not." I repeat
"no no no." What is it with this guy? A no is simple enough to understand
isn't it?

We reach my road. He stops the car. I get out and don't look back.

So there you go."

I will be taking the tube from now on.
posted by Joel Veitch 8/25/2000 10:43:21 PM

Shooting Groceries

To quote the introduction to Innocent Inanimate Objects:

"On Dec 17 1995 I went out with a bunch of groceries and shot them with .357, .45, 9mm and .22 pistols."

Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. There are a good selection of video clips of groceries exploding, with titles such as "Cardboard box of tofu shot with a .357 Cor-Bon" and "Kiwi shot with a high-velocity 88 grain 9mm hollowpoint"

Excellent stuff.
posted by Joel Veitch 8/25/2000 9:47:06 PM

Fetus Frenzy

I have always wanted to see a step-by-step guide of how to dismember the unborn porcine young. It is therefore a great relief that my attention has been drawn to the Fetal Pig Dissection Slideshow.

If anybody has any insights on how to dismember other species' unborn young, please send them to iliketodismembertheunbornyoungofanimals@rathergood.com
posted by Joel Veitch 8/25/2000 9:36:54 PM

How To Blend In

Genius. A superlative demonstration of how to blend in from Dean and Nigel.

As I am sure you can imagine, I do a lot of blending in myself, what with international conspiracies plotting my downfall all over the place, but I am sure you will be able to learn something.
posted by Joel Veitch 8/25/2000 9:20:13 PM

Deadly Cats

I often wonder just how many things cats kill. Luckily, Martin Black has drawn my attention to The Mammal Society's report on cat kills.

It seems that in the UK cats kill at least 300 million animals and birds every year.

I reckon that my cat, the formidable Vladimir Leyton Orient Veitch, must kill at least 300 million things a year on his own, including Rhinocerous and Cape Buffalo, which he stalks through the streets of East London like the Dwarf Panther that I suspect he really is.

If you suspect that your ostensibly domestic cat is infact a Dwarf Panther, please send your story (and ideally a picture of it bringing down big game animals in an urban environment) to mycatisinfactadeadlydwarfpanther@rathergood.com
posted by Joel Veitch 8/25/2000 8:56:56 PM