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Atop an Inca pyramid in the Peruvian Amazon the Crab of Eternal Wisdom ponders the nature of existence with his horde of fanatical followers

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Wednesday, January 10, 2001

Moon Issues

I'm having a strange week. It seems that the reason for this is the unusual moony situation at the moment.

The combination of a full moon and a lunar eclipse produces freak tidal forces in your brain, causing odd things to happen. I suspect witchcraft.

If you know of any witches who are responsible for the recent deterioration in the normality of the moon and the subsequent tidal brain weirdness, please contact me at iknowawitchwhosfuckedupthemoontopissyouoff@rathergood.com so that I can organise a burning.
posted by Joel Veitch 1/10/2001 08:41:02 PM

Monday, January 08, 2001

Once In A Lifetime Offer

Have you recently been ill, suffered a bruise or been mildly uncomfortable? You have probably been cursed by a witch. Even if you have suffered no symptoms so far, 99.4% of people have been recently cursed by malevolant hags and so you can expect to shortly suffer terrible pain and anguish.

I can save you!

For a fee of only £50, I will happily visit your area in my capacity as Grand Inquisitor and burn some old ladies in public, saving you from a horrible fate. If you have recently sinned, I will also sell you bits of Saint Augustine which mean you will live for ever in heaven and not just die like everyone else.

Contact iwanttoburnsomeoldladiestomakesureidontgetacold@rathergood.com
posted by Joel Veitch 1/8/2001 06:14:38 PM

A Sad Tale of Thwarted Ambition

I used to go to school with a girl called Katie Jones. We were at her house around 15 years ago, and Mrs Jones asked what we all wanted to be when we grew up. Katie's little brother Robin said he wanted to be a buffalo.

When he was informed he could not be a buffalo he threw an enormous strop and cried and cried.

I haven't heard of the Jones's for about 12 years, but my mum went to see Mrs Jones just recently and it turns out that Robin is now a mobile telephone engineer.

How sad- from a life migrating across the open plain with a vast herd of similarly minded herbivores to a life fiddling with wires and switches.

I am crying inside. This is the Tragedy of Robin Jones.

Does anybody else know any such tragic tales?

Please send woeful anecotes to iwantedtobeagreatbeastofthesavannahbutnowworkinrefusecollection@rathergood.com
posted by Joel Veitch 1/8/2001 04:53:39 PM