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Enrich your mind! Improve your life! Atop an Inca pyramid in the Peruvian Amazon the Crab of Eternal Wisdom ponders the nature of existence with his horde of fanatical followers The Guru | Archive | Poetry | Inventions | Investigations | Sports | Ramblings | Weblog Archive] |
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Saturday, January 20, 2001
Scissor Quizzer Mr Welsh Idiot of (presumably) Wales asked the guru: Can you tell me how to make reverse-scissors, that kind of stick things back together, and make hair longer? Dear Mr Idiot Unfortunately that is not possible in the northern hemisphere without resorting to the spreading of superglue on the blades of the scissors and then using them. This will work, but only for a short period of time. The best way to achieve a genuine reverse-scissor is to go to Australia. Scissors work backwards in Australia due to the coriolis effect. This is the same principle which is responsible for your watch running backwards and the counter-clockwise curl of pigs' tails in the land of Crocodile Dundee. I hope this information is of assistance to you. Regards The Guru As ever, any query whatsoever about anything at all will be answered, send them to guru@rathergood.com Friday, January 19, 2001
More Guruage Mr Tom Burt of an inderterminate location in the UK sent the guru the following query: Dear Guru, I have a question that has been troubling me for some time. I'm a fairly slim male of the species and I was wondering - if I was a woman, would I have nice breasts? I'm worried I might be a bit flat chested. Cheers, Dear Mr Burt If you were a woman you would have lovely full breasts. Lovely full orbs of womanhood. Wonderous pneumatic buoyant full-aureoled globes of pleasure. Silk-smooth, softly yielding, sensuous joy-jugs that would keep you infront of a mirror softly caressing them for weeks on end. I hope that this answers your question Regards The Guru As ever, if you have a query regarding anything whatsoever, send it to guru@rathergood.com or have a look at previous guruage at www.rathergood.com/guru.html
Pyramid Velcro Ball I've been working on a new game. It's called "pyramid velcro ball" Basically the court is a very large pyramid with a goal in each corner and four teams. The base of the pyramid is a huge trampoline and the sides are covered in velcro, as are the players. Basically there are no rules except to get the ball in the other teams nets by any means necessary. During the day, the pitch could be converted into classrooms and used as a school. Also, the whole thing would be designed to be transportable by zeppellin. And it would of course have the advantage of channelling positive cosmic energy as well, being a pyramid. Players will get weapons- spiky balls on sticks and possibly some kind of spinny roundy burny bladey thing. I would expect it to be televised, with Dale Winton presenting. We could milk the dale winton connection by having groceries available for the players to pick up for bonus points. 1 point for canned veg Dale could sit with the spiky top of the pyramid up his bum, giving ongoing commentary: "And, yes, HE'S GOT THE FROZEN MIXED VEGETABLES!! FANTASTIC PLAY!! OH, WATCH OUT, YESS!! A LOVELY MOVE WITH THE ROTARY SAW THERE, THAT'S 4 POINTS FOR Would you like to televise this sport, or invest in setting up a league? If so, please contact me at pyramidvelcroballisthefuturefortheentertainmentofhumanityandiwanttobeapartoftherevolution@rathergood.com
TV Gameshow Concepts Phat Mess of England has sent me this suggestion for a TV gameshow: Family Endgame. A family have to survive 7 days in a special sealed box whilst tasks are sent to them. Day 1 Day 2 Day 3 Day 4 Day 5 Day 6 Day 7 Dunno if there is much mileage in that. Lisa Rogers could host? I think this is a fantastic idea. If you are a TV programming executive who wants to take on the format, or a venture capitalist who would like to invest large sums of money in making this entertainment dream a reality, please contact me at iwanttoscreenthiskindofpsychologicalterrorismtothegeneralpopulacebecauseiknowtheywantblood@rathergood.com Tuesday, January 16, 2001
Depletion Conundrum There's been a lot of worry over the dangers of depleted uranium lately. One thing that's been worrying me is if depleted uraniums are killing people, what's happening with the depleted fisheries I keep hearing about? There's no labling on my fish to say whether it's depleted or not! How many of us are going to die? Well, it seems that the situation is not as bad as it seems. I am reliably informed by Mr Price of Maidstone that what is being referred to is infact depleted fish stocks. These are apparently the stocks used by fishermen to firmly grip fish to the shoulder. Clearly, when you finally get the finished fish, there is no stock on it, and hence it is perfectly safe for consumption. Never eat a fish with a depleted uranium stock still on it. If you have any further information on the safety or otherwise of the use of depleted uranium fish stocks, please send it to iknowallaboutdepleteduraniumfishandthisisthelowdown@rathergood.com
Soup My favourite soup is chicken broth. I have been considering starting an internet soup opera called gimmesoup.com or similar. I think some chicken broth would be the star, but there would also obviously be room for other soups, such as oxtail or mulligatorny. It's guaranteed to be bigger than Dynasty. Would you be interested in investing in my soup opera? Do you have any ideas for plots or opinions on which soups should be the nasty characters? Send cash or soup to soupsarebetterthanpeoplewhenitcomestopopularentertainmentsoherearemylifesavingsforyourproject@rathergood.com
Oh Jesus Popbollocks just gets worse and worse. |
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