Musk Ox Video Frenzy!
I've made an adrenaline-packed video for the Cleaning Musk Ox Song!
Turn the volume up LOUD and ROCK ON!
Woo!
posted by Joel Veitch
5/31/2001 11:40:28 AM
Disco Joel
A remarkable Disco Me has been created. It's very funny. I dance and dance and dance. I look very gay in it. You'll want the sound on, and the volume up LOUD.
It was made by this man (Mr Manuel of tsluts):
posted by Joel Veitch
5/30/2001 12:29:36 PM
Sibling Stuff
My brother is temporarily back in the country. We are very similar. Infact, we are as alike as two peas in a pea.
Two peas in a third, larger, pea-encompassing pea.
I have made this high-tech diagram to illustrate more clearly how similar I am to my brother, using the pea metaphor (we do not actually physically resemble peas).
Fig 1a: A Pea Chart of Joel and Alex Veitch
posted by Joel Veitch
5/24/2001 04:14:36 PM
Time Travel Conundrum!
Mr Welsh Idiot wrote to the Guru:
Dear Guru,
I was shocked and upset to discover that the time travel experiment I intend to carry out in 50 years time has not worked. It was my intention to send myself a million space credits back from the year 2051 to yesterday, but alas, they did not appear.
Do you have any recommendations in order to stop this not ever happening again, in the past, or indeed.. the future...... even if it had not been done yet, which it has.
You see?
Dear Mr Welsh Idiot
Thankyou very much for your query. The best way to ensure that this kind of thing doesn't happen is to not tell anyone about your plans.
Yesterday (subjectively to me- 50 years in the future for you) I used the information in your note to dispatch a legion of my fanatical followers to Old Colwyn to procure - forcibly - your time machine and million space credits to be used in my ongoing struggle to take over the world.
I then came back in time to join my younger self for dinner and write you this explanatory note.
I'm off to the stone age to set up an Ikea -style modern furnishings shop- I reckon there's got to be a fortune to be made doing that.
I'm going to sell lava lamps too.
Thanks again
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
5/24/2001 11:57:53 AM
Cleaning Musk Ox Song
I've noticed recently that the world has been sorely missing a song about cleaning Musk Ox.
So I made this one with my brother.
Download the MP3 now and ROCK ON!:
Cleaning Musk Ox Featuring Joel And Alex Veitch
posted by Joel Veitch
5/22/2001 08:55:59 PM
Vital Advice
The Elusive Mr Fishy asked the Guru several questions:
Why am I told to never bend over on a Tuesday?
The seven-day week as it currently stands was originally adopted to help people deal with the 7-day cycle of variance in the gravitational pull of the earth. On Tuesdays the gravitational field of this bejewelled orb upon which we live is approximately 3 times as strong as on a Saturday (which is quite rightly a holiday in celebration of our reduced gravitational impedance).
You should therefore never bend over on a Tuesday as you are extremely likely to break your spine and be crippled or die. Maintain an erect posture or lie down, this is the only sensible advice.
Why must I never put jam on a magnet or a sock in a toaster?
Jam is highly volatile in the presence of a magnetic field. If you spread it directly on a magnet it is likely to explode with the force of a thousand Hiroshima bombs. Take heed. Stick to toast or bread.
You should not put a sock in a toaster as this is a serious fire hazard.
Why do cats drill behind the sofa?
They are drilling for oil. Behind the sofa is a good place to look for oil. The Geophysical properties of typical sofas are ideal for formation of oil deposits at their rears. Cats are good with that kind of thing.
And where on earth can I buy bread for my bread-gun?
This depends on the calibre. Obviously it is harder to find a baker licensed to deal in large Bloomers intended for long-range artillery use than to procure close-quarters poppy-seeded buns or practice baps. You may find that recent crackdowns have made the carrying of hand-to-hand Baguette sidearms risky legally as well. Write to Charlton Heston with full details of your bread gun, including calibre and intended use (ie self-defence, hunting, target practice, genocide) and he will be able to supply you with most requirements.
I hope this helps
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
5/22/2001 08:37:34 PM
Refrigeration Frenzy!
Toby Hammond asked the Guru:
Dear Guru,
I hope that you can put an end to this insanity....
After enjoying the sun on a lovely day on the beach, I returned home to find that my fridge had defrosted. I was a little confused as to why this had happened, but my girlfriend told me that the seal had gone.
We've been living in this flat for a year now, and in that time I have never seen a Seal or any other kind of aquatic mammal for that matter. Is she mad? or are Seals indeed an intrinsic part of any refrigeration unit, and I have been kept in the dark all these years.
Can you shine your light of wisdom upon me oh great crustacean?
Regards
Decks
Dear Toby
You are right in assuming that seals are indeed invaluable for their refrigerative properties. You may have noticed that both the arctic and the antarctic are very cold places It is no coincidence that it is in these frigid waters that you will find huge populations of wild seals.
Both of these regions would be naturally extremely hot and humid, but the many millions of seals inhabiting the areas, emanating colditude with great force and efficiency, keep the seas frozen over with solidified water, the technical term for which is "ice"
The relationship between man and the wild seal has never been an entirely happy one- the wild seal is a ferocious predator and can eat a man alive in seconds with its huge serrated teeth. Also, locals in the cold areas in which the seals live would like it to be warmer. Both of these factors have contributed to the ancient conflict between man and seal. However, for much of the world's population this natural order has been changed by the hand of man.
In much the same way as the cow has been domesticated over thousands of years for its milk and meat, the ferocious wild seal has been gradually tamed and pacified since the dawn of time to the point where today, in the developed world, the domestic seal is commonly born in a vast seal-farm and immediately implanted into a refrigerator. The domestic seal will then happily live out its life in quiet solitude, keeping things cold in return for the freedom to browse off the scraps of food it finds in the refrigerator when the door is closed and no-one is looking (the only time it will ever venture into the main compartment of the fridge).
In a very few circumstances a seal will find itself inhabiting a refrigerator in which is kept either insufficient or unacceptably low-quality food, and in these rare situations the seal will sometimes leave to fend for itself in the streets rather than face death by starvation.
Your fridge has defrosted because of your mistreatment of your seal. Your seal has indeed gone.
You should think of that poor, defenceless creature roaming the dark alleys of the metropolis in a constant search for food and feel terribly, terribly guilty.
I hope this answers your query, and that you will in future take better care of your seal.
By the way, whales also have refrigerative properties, but are too big to fit in household kitchen appliances. They are mainly used to refrigerate abbatoirs, where they live vast water-filled tuppereware bowls.
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
5/21/2001 06:56:54 PM
Grange Hill Mayhem!
I've made a fantastic Grange Hill music video. It takes the crap music vid thing to a new level. You'll want to have the sound on of course, preferably LOUD.
posted by Joel Veitch
5/13/2001 03:11:34 PM
Jamie Oliver Is A Cunt Video Launched
I made this video out of around 430 pictures of Jamie Oliver being a cunt submitted to hairytongue.com
posted by Joel Veitch
5/11/2001 03:39:29 PM
Invisibility Trauma
Invisible Dan of Old Colwyn, Wales, asked the Guru:
At Christmas time I was given a book of magic spells. I made myself invisible, but lost the book, and now I can't turn myself back to normal.
I've been quite content to walk around for the last 4 months wearing sunglasses, a trilby and a long overcoat whilst wrapped in bandages, and removing them to impress the the girls in the pub. Now summer's arrived, the bandages and coat are getting a bit sweaty.
What are the summer catalogue alternatives for people who have been rendered invisible? Shorts and t-shirt and bandages would be such a fashion faux pas.
I hope you can help me Guru.
Dear Invisible Dan
Thankyou for your query.
You only really have one option if you are determined to lead a normal life despite your invisibility.
Obvious solutions such as tattoing your entire body would certainly result in strange reactions from the public. In order to be accepted as normal, you need to have visible skin.
Your only option is to find someone slightly larger than you, flay him alive and wear his hide. Then people will react to you normally. The hide will start to go off in summer after a few days, so you will have to keep on killing, and killing, and killing again, in order to maintain constant fresh supplies of skins to wear over your own.
You may find it worthwhile to invest in some high-quality butchers utensils.
I hope this helps.
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
5/10/2001 12:22:25 PM
Flapjack Fever
Aahgrasshopper confided in the Guru:
At last! a guru to save me from this impossible conundrum.
It all began innocently with a choc - chip flapjack one day to complement my tea and cigarette, but i would never have taken that first fateful bite had i known the terrible consequences. Over the last year i have shunned those around me, and all that society has to offer, unable to devote time or any energy to anything other than fulfilling an ever increasing desire to eat more flapjacks.
Even as i spend my last reserves of life force typing this appeal for help, i fear that it may be too late. I know not whether it is their oaty goodness or their succulent moistness that has ensnared me so, but i lack the strength to resist - please tell me - how can I save myself from this terrible affliction?
Help me, crab of ineffable wisdon - you are my only hope!
Dear Mr Aahgrasshopper
Oh dear, you appear to be well on the way to a life of hell as a flapjack casualty. You will likely end up as just another statistic, with your sore- and scab-ridden photograph plastered over billboards with the header "Flapjacks Screw You Up"
We all know that drugs are classified into "Good" and "Bad" according to the vowel used in their name. "A" drugs are bad, and "E" drugs are good.
For example, weed, e and speed are all good for you and should be taken as a health issue, whereas crack smack and gak will turn you into a wild-eyed psychopath who sells their family into sex-slavery for a hit.
Extrapolating from this undeniable fact, flapjacks are the worst of the bunch, being the only thing that uses A in it's name twice.
Your only hope is to try to wean yourself off the flapjacks by smoking vast quantities of crack, all the time. This will be far preferable to a flapjack addiction. If a massive crack habit doesn't work, try injecting huge doses of heroin every 2 hours as well.
I hope this helps
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
5/10/2001 10:24:06 AM
Key Monkey Catastrophe Guruage
Gonk, of an indeterminate location in the UK, asked the Guru:
Has anyone seen my keys? I thought I put them in the bag when I left the newsagent, and that was definitely AFTER the post office and I must have them to get into the house, but Im buggered if I know where they are now.
Can you help oh omnipotent crustacean?
Regards,
Gonk.
Dear Gonk
Ah the impenetrable Mystery of the Key
It sounds to me as if you are the victim of an attack by a group of Burundian Key Monkeys.
The Burundian Key Monkey is a pack hunter, moving with supreme stealth and rarely seen. It feeds exclusively on keys, which it will steal from bags and pockets with the skill of a hair-covered, hooting, prehensile-tailed Artful Dodger.
The Burundian Key Monkey must eat three times its own weight in keys every day, to maintain the enormous energy expenditure of its constant wanking.
It is a close relative of the Rwandan Mobile Phone Gibbon and the Congolese Credit Card Marmot, all of which have reached plague proportions in the UK.
The only way you are likely to reclaim your keys is by sifting through the dung of the monkeys until you find it. Burundian Key Monkey dung is indistinguishable from dog shit, so you should probably start searching your area within a radius of approximately 3 miles from the place where you lost your keys, and carefully pull around and study anything you can find which looks like dog shit.
You can improve your chances of finding your keys like this: The Burundian Key Monkey is irresistably attracted to the pheromones in the dung of the opposite sex of its species. Your best bet to find the responsible monkey is therefore to smear everything you can find which looks like dog-shit all over your body, and hopefully the monkey will come to you and sit there wanking next to you. You can wait there until it shits out your keys- the monkey will happily wank by your ankles for at least a day.
You might want to put on some old clothes first as it's likely to get a bit messy.
I hope this helps, and good luck
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
5/4/2001 04:57:46 PM
Romance
Desparate of Wiltshire writes:
My darling Guru
I can't stop thinking about you. I love you and I want to marry you. Life without you would not be worth living. But I am afraid you will not return my affections, please don't desert me, although we have never met I love you more than words can say, I even wrote you a poem:
Don't love me for fun
Let me be the one
I think you have a nice bum
When I think of you
I get a nice feeling inside my tum
If you would marry me, I'm sure
We'd have a lot of fun
I'd even buy you,
A new hat
I have never felt this way about anyone, if you ignore me I will surely perish, but please dont string me along- I've been burnt before; love me for a reason; let that reason be love.
Yours adoringly
Desperate of Wiltshire
Dear Desparate
Thankyou for your deeply touching emotional plea. I have read and re-read it a thousand times, with an affectionate tear of joy running slowly down my cheek.
I am afraid that I can never devote my life to you, and you alone. I have a duty of honour to the millions of poor, desparate wretches whose lot in life is to suffer the Dostoevskian maelstrom of anguish inflicted upon them by the cruel cruel world in which we live.
I am sorry, deeply sorry, but to marry you would be to betray the trust of those who depend on me to give their lives meaning.
I hope you can accept this with gladness tinging your sorrow.
Yours
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
5/4/2001 02:12:32 PM
Yet More Wanking Euphamisms
I've been sent a lot of wanking euphamisms. The best recently have been:
Fighting Cyclops till he cries, from Matt Wellstead, and having a date with Palmela Handerson, from a mate of Phat Mess.
Hmmm......
posted by Joel Veitch
5/2/2001 10:36:53 PM
Get Cecil Down From There
Henry The Mule of Lincoln asked the Guru:
Sir,
Is it true that the ox is hungry? If so, do let me know and I shall rush to the barn at once with a bag of wheat and gut.
Thankyou.
Henry the Mule
Dear Mr The Mule
Yes, the Ox is hungry.
The Ox is hungry for blood.
Fear the Ox
Fear Him
Regards
The Guru
posted by Joel Veitch
5/2/2001 10:29:48 PM
