Thursday, October 18, 2007
Hooray! Mr Honk can crawl! He has been trying for ages, and been very close to success for a very long time, but as of yesterday morning he is now officially self-propelled.
This will have far-reaching consequences. He will presumably ratchet up escape attempts, and also will find it easier to acquire treasure which he previously was unable to claim, such as knives, glasses, cups of hot tea etc. The cat will also be at an increased level of peril.
All round, hooray for Mr Honk!
posted by Stallion Explosion (aka Joel)
3:39 PM
0 comments
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Patrick Nolte has sent in some queries regarding Hover Bacon. My responses are below:
Does Hover bacon work the same way a flying carpet works?
No. Flying carpets are essentially bunkum. If you have been sold a flying carpet it is probably either a: just a carpet or b: a hovercraft with a carpet over it.
Can people fly on Hover Bacon?
Yes. Yes they can.
One person here thinks you control the bacon by thought but the rest think there has to be some sort of control or maybe you would "surf" on it.
You don't use controls to control Hover Bacon. To be honest it's not really conscious thought either. It's much more Zen than that. Essentially you have to feel the bacon, become one with the bacon, feel the consciousness of your brains meld into the consciousness of the Universal Bacon, and then you will find that your will and the will of the Bacon are one.
Does the bacon itself come from the moon? Being the crab of ineffable wisdom, you already stated that all meat comes from the moon.
You have answered your own question there my friend. Yes, of course Hover Bacon comes from the moon, as does all meat. The Hover Bacon Mine is in an extremely secret moon location, where it is mined by slave dwarves who have been sworn to secrecy. The dwarves have to be tethered, of course, to prevent them from escaping from the mine on the Hover Bacon.
I hope all this information helps, and is of use to you
Regards
Joel aka The Crab Of Ineffable Wisdom aka The Guru aka Stallion Explosion
posted by Stallion Explosion (aka Joel)
12:02 PM
0 comments
Friday, December 10, 2004
Opposite the office where I work is a leather workshop (or so it claims) whose logo is a fish. A fish? Why not a cow, or some other animal relevant to leather? The windows are quite high up, but you can just see in. Just visible are the tops of 3 cages full of monkeys.
One has tiny monkeys, one has normal monkey-sized monkeys, one has a big monkey dangling by its feet (I had to jump up and down in the street to get a glimpse of that one).
What in God's name are they doing in there? Why the hell would you have 3 cages full of monkeys in a leather workshop? Are they making monkey-leather? What do you do with monkey-leather? Who the hell has anything made of monkey-leather?
On the wall is some graffiti-"Jimmy Dynamite has a small Ghinko." I thought Jimmy Dynamite was a pretty cool name. I also assumed Ghinko was obscure slang for nob. I googled it and it appears to be something to do with bonsai. A tree, i think.
This makes the graffiti far more interesting. It's a statement of fact, regarding a man with a good name who likes bonsai. Jimmy Dynamite has a small bonsai tree. I don't know who Jimmy Dynamite is, but at least I know about his small tree. But why did someone paint this information on the monkey-leather building? WHY?
Fucking weird-ass-bonsai-graffiti-monkey-leather-building fucking with my head.
Next door is a shop that sells insects as food. To people. Insects for people to eat as food.
The Fucking Kangaroo is still there opposite my flat by the way.
At home I have to stare at a Fucking Kangaroo.
At work I have to stare at a fucking weird-ass-bonsai-graffiti-monkey-leather-building.
Sinister forces are conspiring to break my mind. It's the only explanation. Someone is trying very hard to put strange things opposite me, wherever I go.
posted by Stallion Explosion (aka Joel)
4:29 PM
86 comments
Friday, November 19, 2004
I live in London.
Outside my window there's an enoromous pile of leaves presumably collected for disposal. At the edge of this pile of leaves is a fucking kangaroo.
Now, I know it can't really be a kangaroo, because it hasn't moved at all and anyway what would a kangaroo be doing on the other side of the road by some leaves, but fuck me does it look like a kangaroo.
EXACTLY like a fucking kangaroo.
It's doing my head in.
I'm starting to wonder if someone has put an unwanted stuffed kangaroo by the leaves hoping they'll burn it.
I reckon a couple living across the road recently got a call to say their Uncle Wally in Wagga Wagga has passed away, and left them a stuffed kangaroo in his will. Having shipped it out to London, they will have been staring at its malicious face, smelling its musty odour, for hours. Eventually the wife will have turned to her husband and said
"Exactly what the fuck are we going to do with this fucking kangaroo?"
"I know dear, in the middle of the night I'll leave it out by that pile of discarded leaves and hopefully they'll burn it"
"Don't you think that might freak out the guy in the flat opposite? Don't you think he might look out of his window and stare in utter disbelief for hours wondering why the hell there's a fucking kangaroo outside, then write a load of drivel about it on the internet?"
"Fuck that dude. Fuck him. The fucking kangaroo must burn"
posted by Stallion Explosion (aka Joel)
2:02 PM
75 comments
Friday, October 08, 2004
DRIVE FASTER!
posted by Stallion Explosion (aka Joel)
1:45 PM
33 comments
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Well, it's been a pretty unusual summer. To kick off, my brother married the lovely Rebecca over in New York State. Here's a little video clip of the happy couple on the way back from the reception (in spooky night-vision).
That was fantastic, then we had another reception for them back here with all the UK contingent. Shortly after that, my cousin Tim got married down in Cornwall to the lovely Zoe - here's a little video clip of a song that we did for them (they are both very tall indeed).
That was fantastic too, and then a couple of weeks ago another cousin got married in Wakefield, which was also fantastic (there's some great air-guitar action from that which I'll post when I've got my hands on it).
So, it's been a pretty family-dominated full-on rock-out kick-ass party summer all round. The only cloud over everything is that all through it my aunt Bean has been missing due to illness, and she's sadly just passed away. So we'll have another family get-together next week, but for much less happy reasons.
So long Bean- we'll miss you.
posted by Stallion Explosion (aka Joel)
5:11 PM
14 comments
Monday, September 27, 2004
I went for a stroll with my video camera yesterday, and found these little brats committing unspeakable acts of cruelty upon a little furry chap, who didn't look to be enjoying the experience at all.
So, good-hearted and kindly man that I am, I rescued the little chap and took him home to my lab. Donning my protective Science Suit I set out to give him an examination, and soon discovered why the brats had taken to persecuting him. As you can see from this video from inside my laboratory, he is possibly the most annoying creature I have ever come across.
Damn his eyes.
posted by Stallion Explosion (aka Joel)
1:16 PM
25 comments
