Back in January we went to the park and I took this film of Zak splashing in puddles and quacking at ducks. Watching them now, it's amazing how far he's come in just four months.

I got an email saying "Solve all your Ed issues here" this morning. I was very excited about this as I have been having problems with Ed today - specifically I have been gorging on nuts from the communal nut bowl, and he has been badgering me to leave some so that he can eat some too, the inconsiderate glutton. I opened the email in some anticipation, only to find that it was spam trying to sell me Viagra. What a shame! Viagra doesn't contain nuts as far as I know.

I'm not currently suffering from any erectile dysfunctions. One erectile problem that is always worth worrying about, though, is Priapism. The name comes from the Greek god Priapus. Wikipedia says about Priapus: Hera cursed him with impotence, ugliness and foul-mindedness while he was still in Aphrodite's womb. He attempted to rape the nymph Lotis but was thwarted by an ass, whose braying caused him to lose his erection at the critical moment. In the end, his lust gave him a permanent erection and his penis grew so large that he was unable to move.

Priapus would appear to be just about the worst god ever.

In ancient Greece and Rome, people would put statues of Priapus in their gardens and doorways. Visitors would stroke his big cock for good luck. It seems likely that the modern garden gnome is descended from Priapus.

Shame they've lost the big schlong on the way, but hey.

It seems that it was common in ancient times for the Priapus garden ornament to have a sign round its neck threatening trespassers with rape. My neighbour just has a picture of a dog on her door. It's not as direct an approach as a massive-cocked gnome threatening to rape you. Maybe there's a business idea in here somewhere. In these paranoid times, when everyone is suspicious of everyone else. Big-cocked Priapus gnomes with "Trespassers will be raped" signs on them in every front garden.

We'll be rich. Really rich. Really really rich. And anyone who tries to steal our riches will be bummed by a big-cocked gnome.

I did my spot on Sky News on Friday. This time I was talking about the moon, a porno politician, and Dijongate among other things.

A door was partially open on Curtain Road in Shoreditch. Looking inside, I saw this massive, sinister machine.

What are they building?
What evil are they plotting?
Sinister. Deeply sinister.

I'm on the uke, Zak is the Master Of Ceremonies, giving it the Maximum Large One. Grandad is dancing along, Mum and Bliss are spectating from the sidelines and filming. Hooray!