Seadave has written a treatment for a film. It is the BEST TREATMENT FOR A FILM EVER!

Imagine you're fighting terrorists on a cargo net trailing behind a transport plane, (the plane is flying, obviously, otherwise it'd be a bit rubbish) and you have to beat the terrorists quite quickly because in four minutes THE WORLD WILL EXPLODE!

And one of them is A VELOCIRAPTOR! The velociraptor is not really a terrorist but THEY HAVE HIS FAMILY so he has to do what he's told BUT ACTUALLY YOU BOTH TEAM UP AND DEFEAT THE EVIL ROBOT HEAD TERRORIST TOGETHER and then you ride the velociraptor and it is pretty cool.

Only the EVIL ROBOT HEAD TERRORIST is a ROBOT. The others are normal terrorists, albeit ones with NUCLEAR BOMBS strapped to their fists so when they punch you it's a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION punch. Which is ALMOST TWICE AS PUNCHY as a normal punch.

The EVIL ROBOT HEAD TERRORIST travelled back in time from the FUTURE and PROGRAMMED HIMSELF to DESTROY THE WORLD. He is almost INDESTRUCTIBLE and has only ONE WEAKNESS- he can only be defeated by PUNCHING HIM REALLY HARD IN THE FACE.

After the terrorists are dead the plane CRASH LANDS into an EXPLOSION FACTORY or something.

In the end you save the velociraptor family and nobody dies except the terrorists although IT IS PRETTY CLOSE AT TIMES.

You also manage to stop the WORLD from EXPLODING - I think that was IMPLIED but I wanted to MAKE SURE just in case you were WORRIED.

If you are a big-time Hollywood producer obviously you will right now be desperate to make this movie so please drop me a line at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it and we'll get going on making it thankyou Seadave will be very pleased.

I am wondering what will happen if I eat a load of bioluminescent bacteria. Will they establish a colony in my gut? Will we have a symbiotic relationship? Will they make my poo glow brightly? I may well be able to use my bum as a torch as well, which would be really handy. Whenever I was stuck in the dark, I would just pull down my trousers and a beam of glorious bumlight would help me find my way.

I found these instructions on growing my own colony of bioluminescent bacteria:

http://cibt.bio.cornell.edu/programs/archive/0608alum/lumos.pdf

I just need:

750 ml seawater
250 ml water
5 g peptone
3 g yeast extract
3 ml glycerol
15g agar

It does say not to eat them, but this is just because of contaminants. Presumably if I carefully picked out the bioluminescent bacteria and threw the other ones back it would be ok.

I could do amazing art! I could poo artily on a large canvas at night and then I would totally be an artist. Or maybe I could find a way to get glowing fingers or something. Squids and stuff have set up these bacteria to give them glowing tentacles and that kind of thing, and I'm LOADS cleverer than a squid, so how hard can it be? I reckon if I eat the bacteria and then just think really hard about them going to my fingers, and maybe do some special finger flexes, that might get them there. They could establish colonies in my fingers and then that would be TOTALLY COOL. I'd be a massive hit at raves - I wouldn't need glowsticks - my fingers would be like natural glowsticks all on their own.

Yep, I reckon I should totally give it a go.

Penge may seem like an inconsequential suburb of London

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penge

It is, however, surprisingly important. Here are some facts about Penge:

DESTINY'S CHILD'S BEST SONG ABOUT PENGE IS INDPENGENT WOMAN

THE BEST FILM ABOUT KILLER SHARKS IN PENGE IS JAWS 4: THE REPENGE

THE BEST FILM ABOUT AN ALIEN INVASION OF PENGE IS INDEPENGENCE DAY

THE PENGE IS MIGHTIER THAN THE SWORD

THE BEST SALISBURY TOURIST SPOT IS STONEPENGE. IT IS AN EXACT LIFESIZED MODEL OF PENGE MADE FROM STONE THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO

A LOT OF RAPPERS IN AMERICA RAP ABOUT BEING SENT TO THE STATE PENGEITENTIARY

THE MOST EVIL NAZI PHYSICIAN WAS DOCTOR PENGELE

Helloooooooo! And welcome to the 79th EVER update from rathergood!

We've got some AMAZING stuff for you today!

First up, I have developed the single best thing in the history of mankind! It is the MEATINI! A full fried breakfast served in a cocktail glass made of BACON! YEAH! I've got photos and stuff- have a look! You will be AMAZED and AWED!

http://rathergood.com/841_Meatini

Also, our little kitten, Meowcat Jackson, has been deeply saddened by the death of his hero, Michael Jackson, last night. He's undertaking a memorial moonwalking marathon, and you can see a live camera feed of it here:

http://rathergood.com/thriller

Go on Meowcat! You can keep it up! He's been going for hours already! Have a look and cheer him on. You can do this by cheering at your screen and offering words of encouragement- your computer microphone will pick it up and play it out of speakers in the field, so he can hear you helping him along.

In other news I did my spot on Sky News again this week. Unfortunately there was a vote in Parliament about the Iraq War enquiry and it over-ran, shunting me into the ad break, so it was only viewable online. Where are their PRIORITIES eh? It's only a war! I had INTERNETS to talk about! Anyway, I still did my thing and you can see it here if you like:

http://bit.ly/RTLfs

Also, little Bliss met one of those lucky cats with the waving arms the other day, and she spent AGES waving back at it! Look - I captured the moment!

 

 

ALSO! (OMG there's loads today isn't there!) we've whacked up an mp3 of the chasm spasm theme tune for download. Hoorays!

http://www.rathergood.com/music/chasm_spasm.mp3

Ed has it as his ringtone now. I've still got the W.S.Demon theme tune for mine.

I think that's about it for this week except to tell you how much I love you. I really do! I love you so much that I'd eat bacon for you! I'd take bacon and pork products made from blood and fat and entrails and I'd fashion them into the form of a cocktail glass and I'd gluttonously scoff them JUST FOR YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU THAT MUCH.

Every time I eat bacon, or black pudding, or anything else from a pig, I do it FOR YOU. I'm thinking about you as I eat that bacon (or other pork product). I'm thinking of you as I fry it up and I'm thinking of you as I chew it and I'm thinking of your face as I pat my distended meat-filled belly. When it comes out the other end, of course, I'm thinking of something else. Yes, something else. Not you. Not then. That would be weird and horrid. I'm probably thinking about cars or hammers or something else that isn't you, honest.

GOODBYE, AND I WISH YOU THE GREATEST OF JOY!

Yours faithfully

Joel Andrew Veitch MA

I had a wonderful dream! A dream of a cocktail of meat! Specifically, a full English fried breakfast served in a cocktail glass made of bacon. Once in every lifetime true revelation strikes a man, and this was my moment of total clarity! This was my chance to make a mark on history! To ACHIEVE A KIND OF IMMORTALITY THROUGH BACON! Clearly, I had to follow my dream and make this thing of great glory. Ed came over and we set to work.

I started out using a bowl as a mould for the glass. I coated it in streaky bacon.

 

The bowl coated in streaky bacon. This was looking good.

We tried a couple of different approaches. This is a mug lined internally with back bacon, the idea being to make a smaller bacon cup.

 

Here Ed is demonstrating the internal cup bacon lining approach. I can't help feeling there's something vaguely obscene about this photo.

We did another bowl lined in back bacon to compare structural properties with streaky. Here Ed is trying it out as an unorthodox cap.

The stem for the cocktail glass was prepared by wrapping a core of streaky bacon in a coil around a skewer. This was then jacketed with an outer layer of back bacon.

We also tried an external casing of streaky bacon around a mug - we anticipated problems with this design due to the gap where the handle is. We thought we'd try it anyway in the interests of science.

Here I am displaying the external streaky bacon mug coating.

All the bacon bowls and cups ready to go into the oven.

Any cocktail needs ice cubes. For the meatini they are made of haslet - a kind of pork meatloaf made largely from entrails.

Into the oven with the bacony stuff! We'll give it about an hour.

A cocktail needs a slice over the edge of the glass, and an umbrella. The meatini's umbrella will be a mushroom. The slice will be black pudding - a sausage made from pig's blood, fat and pearl barley.

External bacon mug disaster! This has clearly not even slightly worked. Hey-ho.

This is more like it! The bowls have both worked lovely. The back bacon bowl is better, but the streaky bacon bowl is still pretty good.

The back bacon bowl is a thing of beauty!

The internal bacon mug has also worked! Hooray!

 

The Meatini starts to take shape! Hoorah! A base of haslet, then the stem of bacon. A second wedge of haslet on top to provide a wider base for the cup. A wooden skewer runs down it to keep it all firmly in place.

First in are the haslet "ice cubes"

Next in goes scrambled egg.

The black pudding slice goes over the edge of the glass.

 

HOORAYS! Here is the Meatini in its full glory! Complete with mushroom umbrella, sausage swizzle stick and cherry tomato cherry! It's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen!

 

Here I am, sipping my glorious Meatini! This is the greatest triumph of my entire life!

I immediately reclined in the garden with Zak., to sip daintily on my delicious Meatini! How very very civilised!

Here I am, chilling out, Meatini in hand.

The internal mug bacon cup was perfect for a lady-sized Minimeatini. Jacqui was very taken with it.

 

Jacqui was not allowed to eat her own Meatini however- little Bliss may be small but she knows what she wants! And she LOVES THAT MEATINI! You go girl!

 

This is an absolutely normal afternoon at the Veitch household. Nothing unusual here at all. Just chilling with some Meatinis.

 

I LOVE THAT MEATINI! OH YEAH! IT IS SO GOOD!

VERDICT: SUCCESS! THE MEATINI IS LITERALLY THE BEST THING EVER INVENTED IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING EVER!