I've whacked some new photos up on flickr - family stuff mainly.You can have a look at them on my photo stream, here as always, if you're interested.

Get an eyeful of THAT you SLAG!

Helloooooooooo! And welcome to the 76th EVER newsletter from rathergood!

We have a lovely little thing for you today - this is Little Pink Bear, and it is the touching tale of a cat who meets a cuddly woodland resident, told using the medium of song:

Little Pink Bear

Isn't that lovely?

You can get the mp3 from here as usual

Also there's Little Pink Bear t shirts up in the shop

Aren't they beautiful? Just think how attractive you will be in one of those! You will be IRRESISTABLE! You'll be fighting the suitors off with whatever comes to hand! They'll be mobbing you in their desperate desire! Lovely!

I've whacked a couple more little written things up on the blog this week - this chat with Sea Dave about how very much we like people

And this discussion with my new friend Steve about his search for improved self esteem, which is progressing very nicely thank you thanks to a wonderful, selfless helper

Also, for those of you who have an interest in either cricket or Christmas, you may be interested in this video of Jacques Rudolph ruining Christmas for everyone. Thanks Jacques

I think that's about it for this week to be honest, except to tell you how much I love you. I really do! I love you so hard! Oh wow I just think about you all the time and how totally HOT you are and I wish we were sitting here together right now.

I'd give you a brioche and I'd watch you eat it- really watch, with my eyeballs right up by your mouth, so close you were grating that brioche against my eyeballs while you ate it, that would be SO GREAT! And I'd sit there, not minding the pain of the brioche in my eyeballs, because YOU put it there and I got to watch you eating that brioche with your mouth up real close! OH YEAH! That would be AMAZING! And then later I'd go to the hospital to get the brioche out from my eyeballs and some of it would probably have got round the back and stuff but I'd just tell them about how I watched you eating that brioche and they'd be so JEALOUS of me and then I'd keep the bits of brioche in a special box on the mantelpiece for EVER AND EVER.

So yeah, I hope you're having a totally brilliant day! You really deserve it! YEAH! GO YOU!

Yours faithfully

Joel Andrew Veitch MA

I made a new friend online today- Steve. He had a really touching story. I was chatting with him on IM and I mentioned that sometimes I miss the toilet when I do a wee. Steve said he did too (who doesn't!) but it's OK because nobody minds. Why would they mind a lake of stale urine seeping through the floorboards and dripping into the floors below?

"Your toilet must be pristine!" I said to him, as it sounded like he hardly got the toilet at all!

"Well, it's pristine in there somewhere under all the years of heaped up faeces" he replied.

I was pleased to hear that he didn't miss with the faeces! He confirmed that he was bang on target every time when it comes to faeces. Every time. 12 times a day or more. That seemed like quite a lot, I observed, and he confirmed that he has to drink gallons of laxatives to keep it up. It's a hobby. I thought I should tell him to talk to a doctor. It didn't sound healthy to me.

Steve reassured me that everything was fine. No need to worry! Since everything flopped out of his bottom he doesn't even have to squeeze any more. He's just piled all the tubey bits that came out up on the heap of excrement, and he lies on the floor next to it in the pool of urine and fallen-off excrement from the pile, drinking laxatives.

He's in quite a lot of pain, but he doesn't think that's related.

I was concerned his pain might have something to do with the Hogdeath. That or the Pigsweats, the Pork Terror, the Bacon Doom or Ham Cancer. He was sure it wasn't anything to worry about though.

Now, I realised he must have his computer working on his bathroom floor as he's pretty much stuck there. He confirmed this- in fact it turns out he hits the keys with a dobber on his forehead. He can't use his hands because they were holding the stuff that came out of him on the pile for so long they got concreted in by the accumulated faeces. I enquired as to who attached the dobber? They must be very kind, whoever they are.

It turns out that Steve has a man who comes in every hour or so to pour a litre of laxatives into the funnel and tube in his mouth. It was this man who attached the dobber. In fact it was this man who got him in to the whole hobby. He's been very encouraging and helpful. He's called Enabler John, and he has been enabling Steve to reach his full potential with this whole thing. He'd have had to stop ages ago otherwise, probably when his insides prolapsed.

He met Enabler John at a self-help group for people with low self-esteem. He suggested Steve try this laxative hobby as a way to build his self-esteem back up again. He's been great, and Steve really feels like he's achieved something. In fact, he thinks he probably one of the best people there is at this. It's a bit hard for him to tell of course as he can't get out and about. Also, it's a shame about the pain, which really is very severe.

Enabler John doesn't practice himself, he just helps Steve out, takes photos and videos of him, that kind of thing. Some of the things he does make the pain worse but he says they're necessary. Things like carving "UGLY FREAK SCUM" into Steve's sides.

I mentioned at this point in Steve's tale that I wasn't sure how that would help. To be honest, it seemed like it might be counter-productive to me. I was beginning to wonder if Enabler John really knew what he was doing with this program.

It's all OK though- it turns out it's to do with motivation, in the same way they shout at elite troops in the marines and stuff to make them better. That's what makes them elite. That's why Enabler John kicks Steve in the face so much and screams.

Screams and kicks and masturbates and kicks and screams. It goes on and on and on. Then it's time for the next litre of laxative and he leaves him alone for a bit.

I asked Steve at this point if his wife or partner had met Enabler John, and if so, what she thought about him. It turns out that it was about the same time Enabler John moved in that Steve's wife left him. Enabler John says he found a note from her. She said she didn't love Steve any more because he didn't produce enough excrement and that she was leaving him. If he wanted to be a real man, she said in the note, he would let Enabler John train him up. Enabler John read the note to Steve and then burned it without letting him see it- this was to help with closure.

Steve hopes that one day he can win his wife back, when she sees what he has achieved. Enabler John says he has a way to go yet though, before that day is near.

I told him to keep his chin up, and Steve replied that he can't really get it up, though he would if he could. It turns out to be cemented to the floor by the excrement. Only the top of his head, with the dobber on, is free to move. Eventually that will probably clog up as well. That will be a great moment, like getting a black belt at karate.

I was confused now. I asked him to clarify- his chin is cemented to the floor, but his hands are sealed inside the congealed mound of excrement and organs?

Yeah, he confirmed, that's right. It's not very comfortable. Enabler John had to help him get the posture right by loosening up some of the more rigid bits with a hammer. That actually caused some quite serious discomfort. Really quite serious.

Which bits did he loosen? It seems he loosened up Steve's legs, arms, back, hands, feet, fingers, toes, teeth, nose..... all the necessary bits, basically.

I did wonder what his long term plans are. I mean, Step 1: Shit more than anyone else in the world. Step 2: Win his wife back.... but what's step 3?

Step 3 is to live a happy and normal life, full of self esteem of course! He'll be really happy and self-esteemy! It's going to be so great! Steve is really looking forward to that!

It's really hard getting there. So very very hard. Steve is frankly amazed that the path to happiness should be so full of awfulness, horror and agony. But still, that's just the way life is.

Will the constant shitting and frequent medicinal beatings still be part of his life? Well, he doesn't really know.

It's hard for Steve to imagine life without the shitting and beatings, and Enabler John will probably keep him motivated. And his wife as well of course, who will presumably be super-supportive!

Enabler John is really very dedicated. He's a huge blessing and Steve feels really lucky to have found someone who's willing to put so much time into helping him make something of his life.

He's so lucky to have Enabler John. So very, very lucky.

If only everyone had someone like Enabler John to help them reach their full potential, what a beautiful, caring world this would be!

I was talking to SeaDave about how much I like people. I really like them. People- they're great! I like to brush my lips against their hair, and breathe on them.

SeaDave really likes people too! He often climbs into people's bedrooms and lies in their beds so when they come to bed he's there waiting for them. When they arrive he usually joins in the cheerful screaming for a bit and then climbs back out the window. He likes to think it brightens up their day, and I'm sure he's right. He's dressed as a clown, so it's a cheerful experience for them.

It must be SO MUCH FUN! Finding a clown waiting for you cheerfully in your bed!

I was a bit concerned that his costume might not be what some people were expecting - I had a pretty clear image of what a clown costume looked like, but SeaDave's costume is a clown face, and then the rest of him is nude and smeared in blood and faeces. It seems a bit unusual to me but SeaDave is very clear that it's the right costume, so I suppose it must be.

It isn't his own blood of course- that would just be weird. It is his own faeces though. He generates quite a lot of it while he's waiting, generally.

Now, I did check at this point that he was absolutely sure that all the screaming was cheerful screaming, and not the other kind. I know it can sometimes be difficult to tell which kind of screaming is coming out of people, but he's absolutely definite that it is the cheerful kind. It's because of the clown make-up of course. He's very sure of that.

Sometimes while they're screaming happily at him, they try and joyfully attack him with their fists and teeth. That's normally where the blood comes from. They're full of it apparently - must be seven or eight pints worth in each of them!

I guess it must all be part of the happiness reflex, as it just leaks out after they try and hit him with glee.

SeaDave describes it as like a dance; they leap at him gleefully screaming and swearing, and then he tickles them with his special clown saw. It sounds really great - by this time he's usually laughing uncontrollably.

Laughing and cutting and screaming and sawing. And smearing of course.

And the other person is leaking all over the place with joy. It sounds like SUCH FUN! They normally join in at first but then they soon get a bit tired- which isn't surprising really as it must be very exciting for them. After a bit they usually go to sleep and no matter how hard he tries SeaDave can't wake them up.

Once they're happily asleep, he tucks them up neatly in bed and climbs out the window again, full of the warm glow of knowledge that he's made someone really happy. He tucks them up as neatly as he can anyway- they tend to have come apart a bit with all the excitement. Apparently there are all these slimy snaky bits that come out of their middles. SeaDave doesn't like the snaky bits - they spell out bad words.

He gets all the other bits and arranges them neatly in bed anyway. Sometimes he arranges them differently from how they were to begin with. He has a lot more freedom of expression, a lot more opportunity to be a bit artistic, after the clown saw. He can decide which bit goes where, and sometimes he keeps bits for himself. He knows he's not supposed to do it, and it makes him feel guilty for a bit, but they're just so nice he really wants them and given that he's been so very good and made someone so happy he feels he deserves a treat and I guess that's probably fair enough.