Something written by me..
I thought I was in love, Completely and utterly. Little did I know that I was only desperate to feel it. I was lying to myself and not even knowing it.
I curled up in his arms and felt his hardness against my thigh, and slid away, but he pulled me close. I gave in, aching to be fulfilled.. but that's not what I got. It was nothing like you hear or read or see. I didn't feel anything until he was all the way in. And then I felt pain. He pulled out and I rolled over on top of him, trying to get some sort of pleasure out of the act. But nothing came of. I rolled back and he followed, only focusing on his thrusts. That was when I stopped him. The jerk hadn't even bothered to get the right sized condom.. it slid off. I rolled away from him and pretended to be too tired, but really, I was scared
You see, the last thing I wanted was to get pregnant. The last thing I wanted was to doubt his love
but by the gods, I did doubt his love. It felt real at moments, fake at others.
I was fading in and out of unconsciousness when I felt him enter again, this time rougher. Harder. I felt no pleasure. I pretended.
My body shivered when I woke the next morning. I glanced around and realized he was there still, pressed close to me.
St Patrick's came and he partied. I didn't. I couldn't. But he got drugged and drunk and had sex with some girl, a complete slut who was convinced she was better for him than I was. She even went after me through the internet. I wanted to hurt her. At that time I still was convinced I loved him.
When he left for Indiana, to turn himself in, I convinced myself I still loved him, that everything was fine, but deep down, something inside of me ached. Burned. Told me that it was all lies. I wanted desperately to feel that love that I felt at the beginning. I wanted to feel safe. But I didn't.
When I finally broke it to his mom that I wasn't feeling the same, she understood, delivered the news. He was in jail. I felt like crap.
By that time, what little ties there were had broken on my end. I hurt to think that I hurt him, but at the same time, part of me knew. He had lied. Cheated, torn me apart, and all the while never gave me pleasure.. only pain.
Later, September, I realize how terrible he really was to me. I have a new boyfriend, the first one since the cheater, and he's kind, sweet, gentle. Goofy, and fun to be with. And last night, I gave him my "second virginity." I swear, I will never look back at my ex again. Ever. He ruined me.. left me hurting and worried. I still find myself worrying about what my new boyfriend is doing, even though deep down, when he looks at me, I feel the love. I see it in his eyes. It's not lies. I know beyond the merest glimmer of doubt that he would not hurt me.. and that keeps me going to strike the next day with a smile and a higher step. I can't get enough of his laugh, his soft caresses. And I know, without even realizing it sometimes, that he is what a man truly is. Gentle, kind, protective... and when I stare deep into his eyes, I DON'T see the darkness within him, like I did with my ex. I see a glimmer of mischief and hope, a happy glow, and.. me.
beings are fond of themselves, they like pleasure, they hate
pain, they shun
destruction, they like life
and want to live long. To all
, life is dear
; hence their life should be protected
. -Mahaviraclicky please