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Do I Know You?

Why Are You Writing To Me?

Why Work? Bears and Horses, Smells

Musical Hounds, Love.

Exam Tips

Train Times, Personal Hygiene

Germans, Christians, Old People, Bucks Fizz and more!

Bod, Chaz and Dave, Birds and more!

The Sky and The Moon Explained, Baby Fish

Just Because You're Paranoid... Women Who Want It, Persecution of the Virtuous

Crabapples

The Metaphysics of Playing Cards

Salmon Conundrum, Erection Evolution

Important Issues

Yet More Important Issues

Roommate Removal, Poupon Poser

Just Because You're Paranoid...

Flipper wrote: Dear Guru, Are they laughing with me? Or are they laughing at me? Can you help?

Dear Flipper

I realise that you have had a hard time since your fall from stardom. Indeed, there were even reports that you had deliberately drowned yourself out of despair. I can see how you must be wondering whether your fears are due to paranoia induced by the inevitable excesses that come as part and parcel of life as the most famous aquatic mammal in the world.I am afraid, however, that this is not the case. Your paranoia is utterly justified.

They are all laughing at you, and ridiculing you behind your back. I suggest you go to one of the many outlets for surveillance equipment and purchase various cameras, transmitters and recording bugs. You should place these in the homes (particularly cameras in showers) of your "friends," then withdraw from social life and spend all your time in solitude monitoring their activities. You will undoubtedly find evidence of countless plots against you.

I would suggest that you procure large quantities of amphetamines to enable you to maintain a 24-hour vigil, listening to your receivers and straining your eyes at fuzzy surveillance monitors. If you dare to sleep, you will almost certainly miss several vitally important plots against you. You will also be leaving yourself open to the threat of assassination. Place a dummy in your bed to fool any would-be assassin, and surround yourself with samurai swords with which to dice any intruder.

After a couple of weeks without sleep, on constant vigil, you will realise the truth of the deadly plots against you. Around now, having entered a higher state of awareness, you may begin to be aware of the insects crawling around inside your veins, that THEY have put their to torture you. You may begin to become aware of the way they manipulate your thoughts and actions, and of the possibility that it is all part of a huge sinister government experiment. You may even, if you are lucky, begin to be able to hear them instructing you, telling you to do bad things.

I suggest you embark upon this course of action immediately. If you do not, they will crush you mercilessly.

I hope that this improves your quality of life

Regards

The Guru

Women Who Want It

Amanda Weir wrote: Dear Joel I hear you are the fount of all knowledge - better than the Greek Oracle at Delphi. I wonder if you can answer a small query for me - I have a particularly weird colleague who asks me to perform lewd acts by writing them as a 'to do' list in my office diary. How should I respond? Should I threaten violence?

Ms Weir- in response to your query:

I am well acquainted with your current plight. I suggest that you cease to fight your natural desires- it will only drive you mad. It is a natural reaction for a woman in your position to enter a state of denial, but, at the end of the day, you love it.

NB don't forget your appointment for today. Any more queries?

The Guru (scholar and gentleman)

Persecution of the virtuous

Tim Price wrote: Why are those who know the truth so often the object of ridicule?

In answer to your question, Mr Price:

This is symptomatic of the vindictive manner in which those who feel threatened by the presence of a superior intellect will attack anyone whose insights threaten either their personal standing or the status quo in general. In a strangely similar way to that in which Copernicus was hounded to his death by the Catholic Church for asserting a model of the Solar System which was in disagreement with the Geocentric beliefs of the clerical oligarchy of the time, I saw a youth attempting to break into a car yesterday and attempted to explain to him that this mode of life would lead to a lower quantity of overall happiness than would be the case should he devote his spare time to the study of metaphysics. I demonstrated this with a series of graphs and flawless argument, whereupon he called me a cunt and kneed my in the bollocks. This is the cruel and unchanging nature of the human psyche, for underneath the facade of civility we are little removed from the basest beasts.

Don't try and get fucking clever with me Price, alright?

The Guru (Grand Visier)

Pigeons, Robin Reliants, School Uniforms

Shrinking

Sperm

Crossing the Road

Booze

Happiness

How Long Is A Piece Of String, Question Question

Who To Marry?

More Important Issues

Surely Not More Important issues

Particle Physics Explained