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Shrinking

Tony Purcell wrote:

Dear Guru,

I am part of the unfortunate masses for whom life is simply one long conundrum. I have yet to plunge into a Dostoevskian maelstrom of churning anguish but I thought I would write and ask your advice anyway.

I am a sad little person fated to spend every waking hour trapped in a building designed by Erno Goldfinger, one of the Nation's great brutalists. Recently I have begun to shrink. A friend suggested I might have caught a virus of wisdomites. She assures me that she learnt of their existence from her guru. Can you enlighten?

Mr Purcell

Thankyou for your enquiry. I am indeed aware of your plight (as I am of all things) and would be happy to explain the cause of your perceived misfortune.

There are those who find that as time passes they begin to shrink. You are close to the truth of the matter when you talk of a virus of wisdomites, although to explain fully the root cause of your malady we must venture into the realms of neuro-biology.

As you are probably aware, the brain is effectively a pink sponge, containing millions of tiny bubbles (or cells, as they are properly known). Every time a piece of wisdom is assimilated, a small object known as a wisdomite appears from the quantum void underlaying physical reality and is captured in one of these bubbles. As one accrues more and more wisdom, the quantity of wisdomites stored in the brain sponge increases accordingly.

Each of these wisdomites, though small, is remarkably dense. As a result of this, the ever increasing mass of the brain as wisdom is accrued leads to a corresponding increase in the gravitational pull exerted upon the owner by this bejewelled orb upon which we live.

For the vast majority of people, the total quantity of wisdomites accrued leads only to enough of an increase in brain sponge mass to counteract the ongoing growth of the human body (at roughly the age that education ceases, you will notice that most people cease to elongate). However, for a few people such as yourself, who have devoted their lives to the increasage of wisdom, the mass of the brain-sponge becomes so vast as to cause the body to shrink. A perfect example of this is Yoda.

If a human was to be raised in a box, with no capacity for the storage of wisdom, he would continue to grow until he was approximatley the size of Mt Killimanjaro by the age of 80. However, this does not often happen due to the scarcity of such boxes.

In short, it would be advisable and appropriate for you to resign yourself to an ever decreasing physical stature for the duration of your ongoing pursuit of wisdom. You must see it as a badge of honour. I, personally, am no larger than a small garden gnome, and expect at some point to become smaller than an amoeba. My long-term goal is to become so wise, and hence own a brain with such enormous mass and density, that I collapse under my own gravitational pull into a singularity.

I hope and trust that this information will aid you in facing your fate with courage and, perhaps, even gladness.

Regards

The Guru

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