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Troubled of Battersea wrote:

Dear Mr Guru,

Please help me as I have reached a crisis point in my life and I don't know what to do. I have recently made a rather terrifying discovery. Last night I was out with my flat mate, when he quite casually dropped into the conversation that he frequently has a wank, catches the sperm in his hand and gobbles it up. I feel very perturbed about this - does this mean he gobbles sperm from other males? Is this how he keeps his skin so soft and smooth, and doesn't need to shave every day? can you catch anything from eating own sperm? Should I tell a friend or perhaps a sympathetic teacher? I was thinking of writing with a picture to the Sport, but maybe another tabloid would be more suitable. Please advise

Troubled, Battersea x

Dear Troubled

I sympathise with your dilemma. You must be very concerned.

There is one particular risk involved in eating one's own sperm, of which your flatmate should be made aware.

As you know, during a normal fertilisation, involving a sperm and an egg, there is a transfer of DNA leading to an offspring with properties inherited from both germ cells and hence both parents. This is invaluable in evolutionary terms and ensures a healthy gene pool for the human race and complex multi-cellular life in general.

However, problems can arise from this wonder of nature if one eats one's own sperm. Sperms, ingested orally and finding themselves in the digestive tract, have no cognitive abilities and hence behave as if they were in a womb, as they are programmed to do. This means they actively search out cells with which to merge and become fertile.

Unfortunately, in the bowel, the only available partners for this foetal generation are shit cells. This can lead, in some cases, to the genesis of a foetus inheriting half of the genetic properties of the sperm, and half of the genetic properties of a piece of shit.

This shitty foetus will gestate in the colon for nine months, after which it will burst forth from the arse of the parent in an extremely painful bowel movement.

These shit babies stink and are violently emotionally unstable. They also have enormous strength (roughly equivalent to that of an average Godzilla). They often go on a rampage, killing millions of innocent civilians before they finally climb the Empire State Building with a captive woman and are shot by bi-planes.

I would hence urge you to urge your flatmate to cease this activity, lest millions of innocents should face a shitty death.

Regards

The Guru

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