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Crossing the Road

Rob Manuel of b3ta.com wrote:

Dear Guru,

In my mundane existence I have cause to cross roads. Generally I choose 'crossings' which are highlighted by zebras and pelicans. Anyway, that's not my problem. My problem is such: If I am the first at the crossing, and a jonny-come-lately has the audacity to press the crossing button AGAIN, I feel usurped, and sublimated. As if, this bastard is doubting my very ability to press buttons properly.

So, how can I deal with this without getting angry?

Robert Manuel

Dear Mr Manuel

Where would we be in our great civilisation without those unsung heroes of road crossage, the Pelican and the Zebra? Guarding selflessly the safety of the walky people as they traverse the highways of the land, these great beasts of the savannah are indeed to be worshipped as saints.

I appreciate the unpleasantitude of the problem you face, and have advised people similarly afflicted on many occasions. It is very simple to prevent the untimely usurpation of button pressity at crossings with a two-stage plan. As a matter of course, when you have pressed a crossing button, wrap your arms and legs around the pole onto which it is bolted and cling limpet-like with all your strength, rendering the button unreachable to any subsequent arrivals. When the green man is displayed, simply release your death-grip and cross the road normally.

It is possible, of course, that a particularly strong and determined person, or possibly group of people, may be able to overpower you and force your torso far enough from the button for them to reach in and push it. As a defence against this contingency, simply carry a small but razor-sharp skinning knife. Should you feel at any point that you are likely to be prized away from the pole, release your grip without warning. This should send all concerned flying backwards, away from the button, and should provide you with enough time to quickly sever the tendons of their wrists before they recover.

I hope that this approach will prevent any further unpleasantness.

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