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The Metaphysics of Playing Cards

Warning- This is quite long and in-depth - basically it is a message of enlightenment for all mankind, a new metaphysics, and a solution to all the spiritual problems of the world, based on playing cards.

For shorter, snappier stuff please see anything else on the site. If you are seeking genuine spiritual enlightenment (and cards) see below....

Tony Purcell wrote:

Dear Guru,

Your recent correspondence with regard to wisdomites has sent me into a new cycle of despair. The last time I reached this level of despair was when Albert and I attempted to resolve the problem that Erwin posed with his bloody cat. Throughout my life it seems that I have always been forced to confront these fundamental issues. Yet suddenly I’m confronted with crabs that dissolve on the push of a mouse. Now I have never been ecologically conscious but to submit a mouse to the indignity of wiping out crabs seems to me as about as subterranean as the argument that William once used when he suggested to me that 16 year old boys (or were they 14) could decide the fate of Scotland.

But perhaps I am the one who is confused. After all it seems quite logical that the joker should decide our fate. The oracle suggests we should know ourselves despite a general consensus that we are better off if we understand a pack of cards.

After all we are perfectly capable of creating a world in which there are 52 cards in the year. And then we have 4 suites and call them seasons. And by introducing prime numbers we discover that there are 364 days in a year and a joker. On joker day we invent a god. So god does exist. Furthermore, we even know what he looks and sounds like. We also know that he regularly beats his wife whenever they go on holiday to the seaside.

When I was discussing this theory with Stephen he pointed to a slight flaw in the argument until I suggested that if we took the balancing sides of our nature and multiplied them together we ended up with the number of spots found on a pack of cards. This seemed to convince him as he imploded another crab, but this time it created a gigantic black hole. QED.

It is time to recap. We know that god exists and that he beats his wife. We have created the universal number by multiplying together the balancing sides of our personalities and we know that Erwin’s cat cannot possibly save the crabs from their fate.

I still have not quite solved the earlier question of why young boys should be allowed to decide the fate of Scotland or why a mouse is so interested in destroying all those rather good crabs. To resolve this I need a new branch of mathematics.

If you integrate the concepts emerging from a consideration of a pack of cards and differentiate the values espoused by the plants in a garden you end up with a new branch of mathematics. This branch has developed from subterranean growth patterns, invisible to all but the gardener buried deep in her wisteria. The wisteria is hers and the opposite of hers is his. If we merge hers with his we create hysteria. Are you still with me, guru? And it is this hysteria which has led to god beating his wife, a mouse chasing crabs and 14 year old boys deciding the fate of Scotland.

Can it be that 13 x 7 = 91 emerged nanoseconds before the big bang. Almost instantaneously the first prime number squared up to the 91 and created 364. But we needed 365, hence the joker. At that point there was a loud bang and our fate was sealed forever? Please advise.

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