FEAR
THE CRAB!
The Guru
The Guru
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Happiness Sblunt1977 wrote: what is the secret to happiness? Dear Mr 1977 I was very interested to receive your question. What indeed is the secret to happiness? Happiness is the absence of pain, yet this itself is not enough. Happiness is the joy of living- the appreciation of the beauty of all things and the perception of the bright shining light that is one's own life. How do we achieve this state of consciousness? Herein lies the great question, one which has troubled the greatest minds for many millenia. In truth, it is quite easy to achieve a state of ongoing joy through the ingestion of a certain miraculous substance. There are different kinds of pain which can torture the spirit- the physical pain of an injury, or the emotional pain instatntiated by the death of a child. Analgesics can address physcial pain, but the spiritual torture of existence in a cruel and godless world can only be addressed by the drinking of beer. However badly you may become injured (and one of the great truths of beer is that severity of injury is directly proportional to amount of beer consumed) there will always be a level of drunkenness at which the pain ceases to be felt. I have, along with all enlightened beings, woken on many a morning with utterly inexplicable serious injuries to which I had been completely oblivious while intoxicated. The spiritual downfall of most people comes with the decision to go to a hospital, placing their faith in medical science to heal their wounds. This can lead only to a horrible nauseating hangover and a period of incapaitation. The true follower of enlightenement will simply crack open a bottle of whiskey and place his faith in the miraculous properties of alcohol and the body's natural healing processes as soon as he regains consciousness. Such drinking will also address any and all emotional problems you may face- from a difficult relationship breakdown to the suffering of the starving, all problems will be rendered unimportant if enough booze is consumed. The secret of maintaining happiness is simply to ensure that you have access to a large quantity of alcohol immediately on waking so as to maintain the alcoholic transcendance. Similarly, not only does booze remove the impediments to happiness, it also makes it posssible to truly appreciate all that is wonderful about your life and yourself. You will find yourself physically irresistable to members of the opposite sex- a property that is again directly proportional to the amount of alcohol consumed. If you succeed in going blind, you will find that at this point you are the single most attractive individual on the planet. Similarly, you will discover that however lacking in musical ability you may be when sober, you will develop the singing voice of the Archangel Gabriel and the ability to dance with greater flair and panache than even the Kids From Fame. If you are male, you will discover that you have the strength and indomitability of The Incredible Hulk, your conversation will become enthralling and anyone and everyone will be absolutely convinced by any and all of your arguments, regardless of how imbecilic they may appear, due to your vastly increased powers of mental deduction and reasoning. People who were previously your enemies will become your greatest friends. Even your appreciation of outrageously rotten or inedibly spiced foods will become hugely heightened. Dotting the streets of any major city you will find many true followers of the light, who have dedicted their lives to the pursuit of this wisdom. To the uninitiated they appear to be smelly, ragged and mad, whereas infact they have transcended the need for physical posessions and dedicated their lives to the consumption of booze and the wisdom that lies at the end of that path. Some know them as tramps or bums, but I prefer the term alco-shaman. In short, the secret to happiness is to become as drunk as it is possible to be. On regaining consciousness, continue to drink. If possible, appropriate some kind of pumping machine that will enable you to continue ingestion of booze while unconscious. In this way, you may transcend the mundanities of day-to-day existence, and achieve a state of nirvana. If you are interested in a more spiritual, rather than individual path to happiness I would refer you to The Metaphysics of Playing Cards- although it is rather long and involved, it does set out a genuine road to enlightenment. For more on booze see Booze. I hope that this addresses your concerns. Regards The Guru |
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