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Who to marry?

Sblunt1977 wrote: Out of the following list of guys, tell me which i am most compatible with...Mike, Hank, Nathan, or Phil? Please give your reasonings.

Dear Sblunt1977

A good question indeed.

All of these potential suitors have their strengths and weaknesses, and it is of course vital when choosing one's lifetime companion to ensure that one has considered all relevant issues.

In coming to me for advice you have made a most wise decision.

Mike is a truly wonderful human being. He is caring, sharing, intelligent and peace-loving, yet will defend your honour to the death. He would give his shoes to a tramp, or his leg to a victim of landmines. His sense of chivalry is so strong that he would, without question, smash bottles in the face of any man who looked at you, or came within a 2 yard radius of your person. In short, he would make an ideal husband.

Except for one thing. You would never be able to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh, as Mike has carnivorous sperm. As soon as you made the beast with two backs, his ravenous seed would eat you alive from the inside. I would therefore recommend that you poison him.

Hank seems like a much safer option. With his witty repartie, his taste, style and sophistication, there are many women among the cogniscenti, the "It" crowd, who would undergo torture with weevils to be seen on his arm.

However, Hank has a sinister secret. He is infact a devout follower of the ancient faith of the Incas, and wishes to seduce you for his spiritual purposes. In the worship of the Sun God, he has come to believe that wearing the skin of a sacrificial offering over his own for a period of 20 days will give him godlike powers. If you were to marry him, you would end your days flayed alive on a pyramid, your hide worn as a suit. I suggest, for this reason, that you do not marry him, or at least bring a friend along on any dates.

Out of interest, Hank is mistaken in this belief. I tried it. It doesn't work.

What then of Nathan? He has, without a doubt, the most diligent and steadfast character of your potential mates. He seems to be a stolid and reliable breadwinner, a man who would provide well for your offspring. The sort of husband of whom your father would approve.

This is an illusion. Nathan is not infact conscious. He is merely an automaton who reacts to stimuli in such a way as to give the impression of humanity. He is part of a sinister plot by a highly advanced race of ocean-floor squid to infiltrate our society and destroy us. One day soon his eyeballs will explode, releasing a cloud of deadly spores which will grow in the lungs of the populace into a thick grey clogging sponge, killing everyone on the planet and leaving the squid free to conquer the land. With this in mind, I suggest that you at least practice safe sex.

And what of Phil? He is a thief, a bounder, a violent alcoholic with deviant sexual tendencies. He enjoys images of pain and suffering, and likes to eat his own excrement. The sound of a man screaming in pain is as musical to him as Tchaikovsky to any normal human. He also has a strange inherited genetic defect which means that in the presence of detergent, his nostrils expand to the size of swimming pools. He therefore never washes with soap, as he would be in danger of catching the wind with his nasal sail and being cast aloft into the stratosphere.

I suggest you marry Phil, and keep tent-pegs handy with which to anchor your children in a stiff breeze.

I hope this advice will lead to your enjoying a long and happy life.

The Guru

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