FEAR
THE CRAB!
The Guru
The Guru
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Important Issues Mr Manuel of b3ta.com asked many, many questions: Dear Guru, I have a few questions. And if you can't answer them all, you clearly are a charlatan. After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water? Amphibians do not eat. They photosynthesise. Hence no. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? Blind dogs echo-locate, rendering this service unnecessary. Aren't all generalizations false? No, none are, ever. Can fat people go skinny-dipping? Skinny-dipping, ie taking a flayed hide and submerging it, is enjoyed by thousands regardless of race, colour, creed, sexual orientation or size. Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!? Yes. This would blatantly constitute public disorder, and probably also trespassing. Can you grow birds by planting birdseed? Yes, obviously. Where else do you think they came from? Also see Crabapples Did Adam and Eve have navels? No. There was no need for an organised sea-based military before the rise of the city state. Do one legged ducks swim in circles? In the spirit of sustainable agriculture, I regularly amputate parts of my ducks if I am not hungry enough to merit cooking the whole bird. When one leg is removed they do indeed swim in circles. When both are removed, they bob at the mercy of the wind and currents. How can there be self-help groups? A self-help group is a group of people who each help themsleves to goods. This system of mutual theft is not sustainable on a large scale, hence the rule of law in modern society. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign? The deer erect the signs as a safety measure, and educate their young using a "Green-Cross Code Deer" How do you know when yogurt goes bad? When you catch it stealing your wallet to get money for crack, you know it's turned. How do you know when you're out of invisible ink? This is a tough one. The easiest way is to add a coloured dye to the invisible ink when you buy it, so that you can see when it runs out. If inert is to be stationary, what is ert? ERT stands for Entirely Retiscent Torpor. When you are in this condition you are said to be "in ERT" which has been shortened in popular parlance to a single word "inert." If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? No. You get triangular cheeses. This is how "La Vache Qui Rie" ("Laughing Cow") cheese is produced in France. Lucky cows. If a mute child swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap? Parental discipline varies from family to family. However, long-term imprisonment or physical violence are more common methods of retribution. This is easier to inflict on mute children as they cannot complain. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? There is no such thing as a parsley farmer. Parsleys are creatures of the open range, and die if subjected to agricultural captivity. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? Yes. The "Stealth" attriubutes of the aircraft address radar signature and thermal emmissions. They have no impact on impact. If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown? Only if it is a part of the routine. Several prestigious medals have been awarded posthumously to the courageous synchronised swimmers who have strived for the ultimate in Extreme Synchronised Swimming, and have deliberately drowned as the culmination of their performance. |
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