Previous Guruage: Stooge Gum Arse Rage; Blind Women..

Do I Know You?

Why Are You Writing To Me?

Why Work? Bears and Horses, Smells

Musical Hounds, Love.

Exam Tips

Train Times, Personal Hygiene

Germans, Christians, Old People, Bucks Fizz and more!

Bod, Chaz and Dave, Birds and more!

The Sky and The Moon Explained, Baby Fish

Just Because You're Paranoid... Women Who Want It, Persecution of the Virtuous

Crabapples

The Metaphysics of Playing Cards

Salmon Conundrum, Erection Evolution

Important Issues

Yet More Important Issues

Roommate Removal, Poupon Poser

More Important Issues

Still Mr Manuel insists on asking:

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? A turtle without a shell is a lizard. If a lizard finds, and dons, a shell, he becomes a turtle.

If a woman can be a meter maid, can a man be a meter butler? No. Men are classified according to imperial measurments. He is correctly known as a yard butler.

If God sneezes...what should you say? "Coughs and sneezes spread diseases"

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like? Icosahedrons made of pure gold, with lasers playing over them.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Love may be blind but lust is most certainly not.

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? One of the darkest secrets of the cometics industry is the trade in babies from poor nations to feed the baby oil presses of Latvia. Boycott the product.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? People from Poland are called Poles because they grow extremely straight, and have historically been exploited by their oppressors to hold up various signs and plants. The name of the country is a strange coincidence, nothing more. This is the origin of the English word "pole"

If soap is used to make you clean, why does it leave a scum? For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Hence in order to make you clean, according to the laws of thermodynamics, soap has to create scum elsewhere.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill herself, is it considered a hostage situation? No. It would be a different matter if one of the personalities was specifically trying to kill one of the other personalities, but self-destruction is fine. Advisable even.

If the folks at the psychic hotlines were really psychic, wouldn't they call you first? No. They are a business enterprise and make money from the call. It would make a good way to improve your sales record on cold calls though- "Hi I'm psychic and the dead have told me that you urgently require new double glazing"

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? Funeral processions are never held after dark due to zombie problems.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat? Vegetarians are people who are concerned about the welfare of vegetables.

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? Fish die if placed in white wine. I suggest you stick to water.

If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry? Never do this. If they were to come into contact with each other in your stomach, the energy released could result in the kind of cataclysmic explosion which may cause a nuclear winter and kill all life on the planet.

If you bear a child, why do you have a cow? Sorry? Is this some kind of obscure sexual reference? I have never "had" a cow. Although i would not condemn you for doing so, as long as it consented.

If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them? Do not have psychic friends. They know too much. Shun them, fear them and burn them.

If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time? This is a patently ridiculous question. The only way to go back in time using a microwave involves sinister techniques using secretly cloned dwarves with strange powers. I am not willing to disclose any more details.

Pigeons, Robin Reliants, School Uniforms

Shrinking

Sperm

Crossing the Road

Booze

Happiness

How Long Is A Piece Of String, Question Question

Who To Marry?

More Important Issues

Surely Not More Important issues

Particle Physics Explained