Previous Guruage: Stooge Gum Arse Rage; Blind Women..

Do I Know You?

Why Are You Writing To Me?

Why Work? Bears and Horses, Smells

Musical Hounds, Love.

Exam Tips

Train Times, Personal Hygiene

Germans, Christians, Old People, Bucks Fizz and more!

Bod, Chaz and Dave, Birds and more!

The Sky and The Moon Explained, Baby Fish

Just Because You're Paranoid... Women Who Want It, Persecution of the Virtuous

Crabapples

The Metaphysics of Playing Cards

Salmon Conundrum, Erection Evolution

Important Issues

Yet More Important Issues

Roommate Removal, Poupon Poser

Surely Not More Important Issues?

Will Mr Manuel's questions never end?:

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away? Yes. Only the central ball is suitable for use. The rest are all protective packaging.

When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in? Cotton balls.

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? No. It is thinking about ways it might be able to kill you. As usual.

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all? They bury themselves alive.

Who tows the tow trucks when they break down? Bigger tow trucks. And even bigger ones for those, etc etc. Eventually tow trucks will tend towards infinite size.

Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room? The correct term for a drawing room without any artistic equipment is a "room"

Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like? Crap. That's why you never see them.

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? Glue is simply an inert substance, into which are placed many millions of tiny genetically modified octopi. While they are in the bottle they hibernate, but when they leave the bottle they automatically grab hold of whatever is near them with their tiny suckers and refuse to let go. This is how glue works.

Why doesn't superglue stick to its container? see above (the only difference is that superglue uses more determined octopi)

Why don't sheep shrink in the rain? Rain water is not hot enough. If you place them in boiling water they rapidy shrink to the size of a bean.

Why is it called a TV set when you only get one? When TVs are manufactured, they leave the assembly lines as a gelatinous fluid. They only become usable once they have set. The term "TV set" first came about due to customer concern in the 1940s that they were buying TVs that had not set properly yet.

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? They are not, if you do it properly. In the British Imperial Army of the 18th century, there were 3 distinct states of sittage. A normal sitting posture was "The Sit." Soldiers were often called upon to "Sit Up" which involved standing in a slightly crouched manner, or when under fire to "Sit Down" which involved sitting curled into a ball to reduce the target presented to the enemy. These terms have become abused over the years and lost their original meaning.

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? It is. You're just mispronouncing it.

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? There's no point. Cats get mice all the time. However, most of them are to small to take down sheep and cows for themsleves, so they appreciate the help on this front.

Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees? Because it is not news. People are so used to gruntling along day to day, they don't really talk about it. It's only when something goes wrong, and they become disgruntled, that anybody takes an interest.

Pigeons, Robin Reliants, School Uniforms

Shrinking

Sperm

Crossing the Road

Booze

Happiness

How Long Is A Piece Of String, Question Question

Who To Marry?

More Important Issues

Surely Not More Important issues

Particle Physics Explained