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Roommate Removal, Poupon Poser

Rob Manuel wrote: Guru, Tonight I need to travel. I wish to be in Wolverhampton by about 7:30.

What time is my Train?

Dear Mr Manuel

Your options for travel are not restricted to the trains. Your view of the possibilities for translocation are restricted by the bounds placed on your thought by the restrictive nature of society's conformist public travel policy. Expand your commuting horizons. Each new hour brings new chances for new beginnings. The horizon leans forward, offering you space to place new steps of change.

To reach Wolverhampton by 7.30 this evening, come down to Balham by 7.25.In my garden is a pneumatic cannon. Climb into this and you will be fired vertically upwards to an altitude of approximately 15,000 ft. At this altitude you will impact into a large block of that green spongy stuff used in flower arranging, which is suspended from a tethered balloon. A special machine will extricate you from the block, whereupon you will be strapped to a high-tension wire running from this balloon to a similar one tethered over Wolverhampton town centre. You will be offered a rocket back pack, which you can fire, travelling at a velocity of approximately1,000mph until you impact in an enormous bag of marshmallows over the Midlands. You can then plummet to the Earth, where you will find yourself landing softly in a gigantic vat of discarded breast implants on the roof of Wolverhampton Town Hall.

Assuming you start this journey by 7.25, you will be at your destination in good time.

I trust your prayers are now answered

Veitch

Distressed of Cradiff wrote: Dear Guru

How can I get Dave the Cartwright to wash more often. This has been a source of constant worry, concern and distress for sometime now. In your profound experince, can you tell me if this is normal?

Dear Distressed

You can take a Dave to water, but you can't make him wash. Remember- a Dave is for life, not just for christmas. Actually, a Dave Cartwright is much like a cat in many ways- not least a natural antipathy to water (and obvious agility / hunting instinct issues).

If in doubt, I suggest you put a bell on your DaveCartwright's collar to prevent him from eating songbirds and remember that any and all odours emanating thenceforth are pheremonial and hence you fukin luv it.

You may also consider neutering.

Regards

The Guru

Pigeons, Robin Reliants, School Uniforms

Shrinking

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Crossing the Road

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Happiness

How Long Is A Piece Of String, Question Question

Who To Marry?

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Particle Physics Explained