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Guruage: Stooge Gum Arse Rage; Blind Women..
Do
I Know You?
Why
Are You Writing To Me?
Why
Work? Bears and Horses, Smells
Musical
Hounds, Love.
Exam
Tips
Train
Times, Personal Hygiene
Germans,
Christians, Old People, Bucks Fizz and more!
Bod,
Chaz and Dave, Birds and more!
The
Sky and The Moon Explained, Baby Fish
Just
Because You're Paranoid... Women Who Want It, Persecution of the Virtuous
Crabapples
The Metaphysics of Playing Cards
Salmon
Conundrum, Erection Evolution
Important
Issues
Yet
More Important Issues
Roommate
Removal, Poupon Poser
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Lucy Gould submitted
several queries:
Dear Ms Gould
As with the multiple queries posed recently by Mr Davis, I will place
my answers under the individual questions posed for ease of reference.
Lucy Gould wrote: Dear Veitch, Please can you help me sleep better at
night??
It would be a pleasure. Give me a ring later on this evening and I will
pop over.
Toilet seat up or down...???
Up. Always up. If you leave it down we will only piss on the seat.
Wings or no wings???
For sanitary products, this is a matter of personal preference. For heavier-than-air
flying machines, they are usually an advantage.
Shall I record Sunset Beach?
No, watch a video nasty instead.
Will Chaz and Dave live forever?
Contrary to popular belief, Chas and Dave are merely mortal and will
die like the rest of us. Their music, however, will live on, indellibly
etched into the collective consciousness of society, until the end of
time.
Where's Bod?
After the collapse of his glittering showbusiness career, he is now working
in Sainsbury's in Cheam.
And What ever happened to the Grumbleweeds?
On their way to a tour of Papua New Guinea, their boat was attacked,
and they were subsequently sucked to death by a giant squid.
I trust that this will clarify your perception of the nature of the world
about you.
Veitch
Christian Goodbrand wrote: Please oh all knowing one answer me this:
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? What's love got
to do with it? Why has the Devil got all the good music?
Please reply if you can, oh exalted Guru of Balham
Dear Mr Goodbrand,
Thankyou for your several questions. The answers are all very simple:
Birds flock to me like flies round shit because they love it.
Love's got nothing to do with it whatsoever- it's a purely physical thing.
The Devil hasn't got all the good music- God has Cumbayah.
Yours munificently
Veitch
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Pigeons,
Robin Reliants, School Uniforms
Shrinking
Sperm
Crossing
the Road
Booze
Happiness
How
Long Is A Piece Of String, Question Question
Who
To Marry?
More
Important Issues
Surely
Not More Important issues
Particle
Physics Explained
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