Karma, Revelation

Watched Pots, Bolting Horses, Last Laugh

Milving, Sports Car, Big Rock

Popular Parlance

Otter Attack! Crime and Punishment

Kiwi Conundrum, Teepees, Navigation

Amphibian Emperor

Education, Ozones

Information

There are some things that you simply have to know if you are to survive in the modern world, but which are, for some unimaginable reason, omitted from the educational curriculum. Here I impart to you a few of the pearls of wisdom which have kept me out of trouble over the years.

Otter Attack

When attacked by a seven foot long man eating otter, there is one way and one way only to avoid being gnawed to death by the savage beast. Otters are notoriously bad at mathematical problems- simply ask it a theoretical problem involving, for example, the sum of the internal angles of various regular shapes auch as icosahedrons and dodecahedrons. They will become embarassed and scarper, to spend weeks on end with textbooks and calculators. Linguistic problems need not occur as all otters are born with an innate knowledge of Esperanto. Simply learning this grammatically regular tongue and carrying a few books of maths problems could save your life in the depths of the Amazon jungle (or in Neasden where some giant man eating otters are kown to have settled in secret, disguised as balloons).

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

Crime And Punishment

In the Arab states bordered by the sea, it is considered blasphemous to shag a squid. Unfortunately many men in these states find the lure of the slimy tentacled molluscs too much to endure, and they are regularly caught copulating with these bendy-legged bastards. The punishment is laid down in the holy texts- they are suspended by their hands from a twenty-foot scaffold in the shape of a seahorse- virtuous aquatic equus of the Lord- and the local women gather around armed with clams. A giant squid, some 100 feet across, is strapped with its tentacles at full stretch pegged out infront of the victim at a range of fifty yards. The giant squid is then hauled by a steam catapult like a huge tentacly elastic band, whereupon the women place their armfulls of clams upon the head of the squid.

The mullah shouts "AAALAHUAKHBAR BANZAIACHTUNGSPITFIRE!!" which is translated into "Release the righteous avenging squid of the Lord, and clam the life out of this wretched blasphemous squid-shagger!!"

The squid is released, firing the clams at enormous velocity. The offender is clammed to death.

Bravo, we should have it here is what I say.