lot those missionaries, eh?
I knew a chap once who spent a good few years out in the amazon with the natives, trying to teach them about cricket and tea. Name of Godfrey Ponsing-Twatte. As I recall, his problem really came about because of those shaman chappies in the jungle. Got him blowing this stuff up his nose through hollow sticks, commune with the jungle spirits, or something. Anyway, we had to expel him from the club in the end- always seeing tigers behind the sofas.
He was a nice enough chap really, had awful trouble getting a decent wicket rolled out in the rainforest, he said, but I'm afraid that incident with Dame Cornelia Pendulous-Labia was quite the last straw. Lovely lady, she was, turned up one afternoon at the main reception, asking for that German chappie we had for a while, Helmut Fuk, I think his name was. Anyway, she was wearing this feather Boa, and old GPT had some kind of hallucination, grabbed the Purdey from the Colonel and blasted her head clean off. Awful mess, kept shouting about pythons. Terribly bad form in the afternoon, had to be asked to leave.
Funny things those pythons, wrestled one once out in the Congo with the Huzzars. Swallowed three of my men, that thing. Don't understand Queensbury rules, that's the problem with these bloody Africans. No point keeping your guard up and looking for an opening with the left jab when the damned colonials are coming at you with fangs and all that. Bloody dishonourable wildlife, if you ask me. You don't find good god-fearing English otters and so on swallowing you whole. No sir, you most certainly do not.
Good old Bertie Shaggitt used to breed otters. Made underwear from them as I recall. Do you know, he didn't leave this room for fifteen years- prisoner of his own moustache. Twenty yards from end to end in by the time he passed away, couldn't fit through the doors you see. Not a bad way to go though, I suppose. Mistook a box of those effervescent pain-killers for mints, ate the lot. Had a glass of water and just exploded. Swelled up like a barrage balloon first though- made an awful mess. The colonel got an awful shock with the bang, started loosing off left right and centre with the Purdey. Got five of the servants. Shame about old Prandeep- made an awfully good pot of tea. Never did quite touch the ground when he walked though- most peculiar.
Anyway, must dash. Seeing the quack about my tongue- nearly a yard long now.