We have got a slap chop in the office! Inspired by this amazing video by DJ Steve Porter. Hooray! I wanted to create a proper meal I could prepare at work, where there is no cooker, using the slap chop. Here is my solution - Slap Chop Steak Veitchois!

Ingredients: sirloin steak, 2 spring onions, half a lemon, a hot chilli pepper, Thai fish sauce and a slap chop.

A whole sirloin steak proved to be too ambitious for the slap chop. I really put some welly into this, but it was not going to work. It was a bit of an ask fot the slap chop anyway - clearly more than it was designed for.

No, this clearly isn't working.

I resorted to cutting off a bit of the steak to try slap chopping it in segments. This seemed fairer to the slap chop.

I'm really giving it some here.

It has certainly slapped, but does not appear to have chopped particularly.

I resorted to dicing the steak with a knife and then slap chopping it.

Slap chopping was not doing the job so I stamped on that sonofabitch.

Here's the slap chopped steak. Actually it's diced with a knife and then stamped with the slap chop - it hasn't chopped the meat at all, but to be fair it has mangled it, achieving something similar to tenderising with a spiky tenderising mallet. Not a complete waste of time then, but also not a very efficient tenderiser.

OK, this is the spring onion and dried chilli pepper- easy prey for the mighty slap chop! Time for it to show that it is actually capable of doing its job.

No, it can't even chop spring onions. Just mangle them. What a piece of crap.

The juice of half a lemon goes in with the steak, spring onions and dried chilli.

The Thai fish sauce goes in. Vital for flavour, it is a brilliant brilliant thing.

The finished article! See how the lemon juice has sort of "cooked" the steak. This is proper food! AH YEAH! Slap Chop Steak Veitchois for the win!

Ed tries a mouthful of Slap Chop Steak Veitchois. He's frankly dubious.

Ed says "it's surprisingly not bad" - Ed is very diplomatic. I think he was actually horrified by the whole experience.

OOH YEAH THAT IS THE GOOD STUFF! OOH BABY THAT IS GOOD!

It's pay-off time - I get to gorge on Slap Chop Steak Veitchois! And BOY is it tasty!

Steak Veitchois verdict is excellent! Absolutely brilliant food!

The verdict on the slap chop however is less good. It is a completely useless piece of crap.