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I have invented a wonderful new recipe! Hairy Nut Scratchings! Here is a guide to making this marvellous convenient and nutritious meal!

First, get some top quality Pork Scratchings and some delicious nuts.

As you can see, the Pork Scratching is a hairy beast.

Add the Pork Scratchings and the nuts to the bowl!

Marvel at the Hairy Nut Scratchings! Desire them! They are a thing of terrible beauty!

They look so good!

Marvel at their hairy nutty glory! Hairy Nut Scratchings are truly the food of kings!

NOW YOU MAY DEVOUR THEM!

I had a great culinary triumph yesterday. I cooked borscht and home-made cheesy bread. It was a truly wonderful meal. Here's how to do it.

For the borscht:

Fry up half a bulb of garlic, a pack of bacon bits and a couple of onions, add a leek, some tomatoes, 3 big beetroots, half a red cabbage, a handful of black olives and some beef stock. Shove in a load of boiling water to soup it up. Cook for a couple of hours Serve with a swirl of cream. Absolutely DELICIOUS!

For the cheesy bread:

Mix 400g strong white bread flour, a teaspoon each of yeast and salt, 150g or so of cheddar, cut into cubes, and 300ml of warm water.

Mix the dough, leave for 10 mins in the bowl covered with a cloth.

Lightly oil the worktop and your hands, knead a bit (not much, less than a minute) and put back in the bowl. Leave it 10 mins, knead it again for a bit, leave it 10 mins and knead it again.

Leave it 45 mins and flour the worktop. Pat the dough flat and roll up, shove on a floured try, seam down. Leave another 45 mins, flour the top, cut a slice in it.

Shove a tray of boiling water in the bottom of the oven, at 220 degrees or so (dead hot anyway)

Whack the bread in the oven, take it out after 45 minutes and BINGO YOU HAVE GOT CHEESY BREAD AH YEAH!

Slice and butter, serve with your delicious borscht! You have THE BEST MEAL IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD!

There are no photos of either the borscht or the cheesy bread, as it was all ravenously devoured before I got the chance to snap it. Sorry about that. I looked as good as it tasted though!